Lilac Dreamer

Security Issues

2008-09-11T04:32:00.002-04:00

Hello Again!

I know it's been forever since I've updated here..and I think that for the next while at least..this blog will remain fairly stagnant..but that doesn't mean that I'm not updating!

I'm still updating (fairly) reguarily from my travel blog..but the more I think about it..the more afraid I am to have it open to the public..so I've restricted it to only people who I invite..so if you'd like an invite..leave a comment here with your email and I'll send you an invite..or you can email me with your email asking to be granted access to this blog at daydreaminggirl@gmail.com

<3

An Absence Of Sorts

2008-08-18T08:47:00.004-04:00

I know that I haven't been updating lately..

But I have been updating a little at my travel blog a little more than here..

I've just been very busy...as is pretty par for the course :)

And now, I must run..as I'm just procrastinating and I have SO much to do! I promise I'll have more witty fun posts once I'm IN EUROPE!!!!!!!!

Love you all!

Adventures!

2008-08-08T21:16:00.003-04:00

Hey folks!

I've decided to start another blog to write about my European Adventures! I'll DEFINITELY still be blogging here..but just wanted a place where I could keep in touch with friends and family and let them know what's going on in regards to my travels! (For some reason..I'm not quite ready to open up THIS blog to a lot of my family yet..haha!) I'll be posting stories and sharing pictures of the places I visit HERE though!! So although I definitely will STILL be updating here with daily rants, stories and thoughts..I won't be posting QUITE as many travel stories..since I'm starting to sound like a broken record..and that's basically all I ever seem to talk about or write about anymore!

So if you want to follow along..make sure to check that out!! (and come visit me here too!)

Perspective

2008-08-08T19:24:00.001-04:00

So the strawberry farm that I work and live on isn't just a home for strawberries..we have many a fresh produce option. We grow a lot of different fruits and vegetables..strawberries being one of our biggest crops..but we also grow raspberries, blueberries, gooseberries, black currants, red currants, peas, beans, tomatoes, potatoes, cucumbers, zucchini and amazing sweet corn..amongst other things that I know I'm forgetting.

So to deal with this produce..we have a store that I work in on most days (when I'm not at the farmers markets with Shop Girl*) to sell things that we grow..and over the years we've expanded to include things from other local farms that we either don't or can't grow here...peaches, plums, lettuce, onions, beef, cheese, etc.

The emphasis that we've always tried to put on the things that we provide for other people is fresh, local produce with friendly service..and we've grown a lot over the years to make this work...and continue to put in unmeasureable amounts of time and effort in an attempt to make the farm that we love successful, all the while providing a quality service to the people of this area.

This being said..I've grown up on this farm. I moved here when I was four..and have thus lived here for the last 18+ years. I have an immense connection with it..I've always been in the 'front' of the operation..while my brother and my Dad focused their energy on growing amazing produce..my job has always focused more on the service part of the job..and displaying and selling the produce to the public...and after years of fielding questions and providing information about produce...and running our store (Which, by the way, started out with my first sale off of a picnic table on our front lawn, and has now grown to be a full fledged store with a variety of products).

Now, I often have 'stories' about things that happen in my day to day existence within our store..and this particular one happened the other day..

A woman came in..and I greeted her with a friendly hello as I do with anyone who comes into our store...she seemed rather reserved and a little bit..cold...but I went about doing what I was doing while she looked around..I recognized her as someone who had been in the store before..and always has had a sort of..sour personality...always grumbling about something..and just generally not a very happy person..regardless..I tried to be my normal happy self.

After a few minutes, I could hear her humming and hawing and sighing as she looked at the green and yellow beans..

I asked if she was finding everything okay or if there was anything I could help with..and she said "well, I would get some of the beans..but these just aren't any good"....I was surprised, as I always try to keep pretty tight control over the quality of whatever we're selling, especially at the store..and had been looking at the beans not less than ten minutes ago..and didn't find anything wrong with them.

Now, I don't consider myself an expert on produce...but I do know a fair bit. Living and breathing produce every summer for the vast majority of my life has given me a little bit of an edge on the subject matter...but I'm far from knowing a TON of stuff, let alone everything..and I know this..but I do attempt to share my knowledge whenever possible..because..well..I'm a produce dork...AND..knowledge makes the world go round..everyone needs food..so you might as well be as educated as possible about it.

So, that being said..I was like..oh..what's wrong with them..and went over to look...the woman mumbled something about them not being 'good'..but couldn't seem to explain to me WHY they weren't any good. I was a little confused, as they looked and felt perfectly fine to me...but over the years..I've become pretty use to people who like to pretend that they know what they're talking about...and like to pretend that I don't..because I'm not as old as them or I'm not as experienced in life as them or whatever..

And it had been a kind of 'blah' day. So I smiled sweetly..and told her that I'd go and grab some other beans out of the cooler for her to have a look at and walked into the back room and grabbed a bin of beans. I brought them out into the front of the store..and showed them to her.

Upon seeing them, she instantly exclaimed that these were 'much better' and 'exactly what she wanted' and quickly filled a bag with them, paid for her purchases and left.

As I was putting the beans back in the cooler..I couldn't help but laugh a little to myself..and wonder why it is that we do the things that we do...why some beans aren't good enough..and others are just perfect...

Especially since this woman had no idea..that mere minutes before she had arrived in the store...I had taken the beans to put on display...from that exact same bin which was 'much better' than the exact same beans that was on display. I never said that either beans were fresher, they weren't any different..infact..they were exactly the same...yet she somehow believed that the ones that I brought out of the back..were somehow superior to the ones that I had just before put out for display...even though they looked, tasted and WERE the exact same.

It's funny how perspective can change so much. How we can make assumptions about things..and although we often make assumptions based on appearance...this one wasn't even based on that..it was just based on perspective....and in this case..was based on an assumption which was completely and totally inaccurate...and only confirmed to me that she didn't know what she was talking about.

So that was my little game for the other day..had she actually balked and said that the bin of beans I brought out wasn't up to the quality she desired..then I *may* have believed that there was actually something wrong with them..despite them just having being picked..but now I'm content in knowing that she was just being nit picky and didn't actually know what she was talking about.

Today's Lessons? A) Don't jump to conclusions or make opinions based upon assumptions. B)Know what you're talking about..or else I may prove that you're actually full of it...and then I will think you're probably an airhead who doesn't really know anything but likes to pretend that they do :)

And yes. Just in case you're wondering..the woman was back in the next day..raving about how good her beans were..and asking me to get more out of the bin from the back.
Sometimes..it's all about plastering a sweet smile on your face..and letting them pretend that they know what they're talking about.

Disclaimer: I'm not USUALLY a person who likes to trick or decieve people..I'm actually...usually..a pretty good(ish) person. I just had this funny gut feeling..that this woman knew absolutely nothing about what she was talking about..and was complaining just for the sake of complaining..and it gave me a smug sense of satisfaction to sell her the exact same beans which were on display..but had somehow magically transformed into produce which was suddenly 'good enough' for her..because they were 'different' from what was on the table. There was absolutely nothing wrong with them..and in fact..I ate the same ones for dinner myself that night. You can always ask Shop Girl* about difficult customers if you'd like to know more..we don't usually have too many..but she can confirm that sometimes..they're just plain stupid...and also..that sometimes..there are days..when you've somehow been magnatized to attract every stupid, nit picking idiot on the face of the earth..LOL.

Packing Up The Pieces..

2008-08-02T20:28:00.006-04:00

My fate is still up in the air..I'm heading to Europe fairly soon...but that is a little bit up in the air right now. I'm waiting for my visa..and my travel plans aren't completely and totally solidified...which is in a word...terrifying! I'm excited to go..beyond belief! But it's also quite scary to think about leaving for give or take a year! I'm hoping that in the next day or two I can finalize my travel plans and get everything organized. Technically I should be leaving REALLY soon..but it's this darn work visa that's making everything more difficult! Ah well, guess you've just gotta take the good with the bad..I hope that it can be sorted out soon though..I'm really quite anxious to get on my way and do some travelling :)

In my attempt to "sort out" my life and get things organized for being out of the country for a year I've been doing many things. I've got an international drivers lisence, I've purchased a couple of my favourite english books, I've got a phrase book which gives me certain phrases from English --> French, German and Italian (Handy, since those are three of the main languages spoken in Switzerland, where I'm headed). I've started buying those necessary items that I always *want* when I'm travelling..extras of certain things that I want to take with me..some new clothes...the general getting ready to travel things. It's hard though, because I'm attempting to get things ready for the next YEAR. As I'm discovering, a year is A LOT longer than it seems. I'm trying to pack things and accumulate things for multiple seasons. This means everything from jeans and t-shirts to skirts to sweaters to snow pants. There are a lot of different things that I feel are going to come up that I'm going to be like "darn, I wish I'd brought ______".....but I'd like to have as many of the "essentials" as I can now..so that I can save up the money I'm making there for my REAL emergency buys..and of course..that pesky little backpacking through Europe thing of which just the THOUGHT of has me hooked.

One of the main things I've been trying to accumulate before I go though..isn't anything that I can buy or gather up or pack into my suitcases...It's not something that has a physical form or something that can be touched or even seen...but it's something that I already know that I'm going to miss the most when I leave home.

The thing that I've been trying to gather the most of during my final weeks and days at home is simply love, friendship, warmth and family. I've been attempting to 'soak up' as much possible love from everyone around me...in every way I know how. Just spending quality time with the people I love..and trying to make an effort to do this is any way I know how. It's been hard..because no matter who I'm spending them with..I always wish that there were more hours in a day so that I could squeeze in extra time with others, with more of those people who I hold closest to my heart..but there just never seems to be enough time.

I wish that I'd started 'soaking up' love from people earlier. It's something that we should all do all of the time..spend as much time with the people with love as is humanly possible..but unfortunately, it seems that the vast majority of people (myself included) don't do or make enough time for these things...There are always excuses it seems..being too tired, to drained, too busy, too WHATEVER..and then we loose sight of what's really important. We forget to savour each moment, to cherish the little things and really live life to the fullest...

I'm glad that I've been trying to spend as much time with everyone as I can lately..even though sometimes I do flake and don't spend nearly as much time with everyone as I want to..even though I feel torn because I wish there was a way for me to do EVERYTHING that I want to do and spend as much time with everyone as possible...I'm still TRYING..even if it doesn't REALLY seem like I am.

I just want to have as many reserves of love and happiness stored in my soul as possible..because I know that when I leave home..I'm going to desperately miss it here. Even though I'm ready to leave, even though I want to have adventures..even though I need to experience new things..I know that once I leave..I will miss things here...I will miss chatting with my Dad after we've finished our day...I will miss sitting on the deck when the sun comes down..I will miss going out for drinks with Nannon..and going to the park with Nenna...I will miss coffee dates..and swimming at the cottage..and just joking around...I will miss everyone's smiles and their laughs...

Not only will I miss these things, but there will also be events that I miss. Birthdays, weddings, milestones and other occasions that are hard to leave behind..so I'm hoping that by having so many happy, lovely, wonderful memories tucked away in my head..I'll be able to rely on these..and not be so sad about missing out on certain things that I know will tug at my heartstrings.

I know that I have an amazing adventures ahead of me..and I know I am going to have the time of my life..a completely and undeniably once in a lifetime experience..

But I can't help but think about the things and the people who I will miss more than anything..

If only I could bottle them up and bring them with me..

I guess that would probably defeat the purpose of leaving home to experience new things and meet new people...but I suppose it at least will (and maybe already has?) make me appreciate the people in my life a lot more than I have been...and make me cherish those little moments for what they really are..classic bits of old fashioned love and happiness...

Despite everything..despite the stress..despite everything else that is going on...Life is still okay...in fact..life is good. :)

Old Fashioned Love

2008-07-31T22:19:00.003-04:00

At work, I often run into a lot of different characters. Some of them are good, others are...not so good. Some of them a little out there..some aren't really there at all. Some are young, some are old, and some are at that generic place of inbetween.

This story has to do with two that I happened upon a few weeks ago.

It was a rather slow moment at the store..I was cleaning up around the front of the store..so I watched as a man, weathered with age, liverspots and laugh lines got out of the car and slowly made his way to the passenger side. I then watched in awe as he opened the door for his grey haired wife and they made their way into the store...hand in hand. Now, I'm fairly use to couples coming into our store, especially couples that are on the older of the age spectrum. But there was something different about this couple. They weren't holding hands because they were leaning on each other, or because one was unsteady on their feet. No, despite their grey hair and obvious age, they were holding hands..simply for the sake of holding hands. Their arms swayed back and forth as they walked and they made simple, light conversation as they walked to the entrance.

Upon their arrival to the store they walked around and then eventually asked if they could go out to the fields to go picking their own strawberries. I said of course, showed them the different baskets we had and then sent them on their way. I told them they could either walk down to the field, or wait for a tractor ride...but they opted to walk. As they want on their way I could hear them chit chattering and laughing all the way to the field...walking again..hand in hand. They had the biggest smiles on their faces and looked at each other with such love in their eyes that I couldn't help but smile myself...

I can only hope that I find someone who I can love that much. Who I can grow old and gray with..who still smiles and laughs and jokes with me..who knows me better than I know myself and spend the rest of my days with...happy and content with life and everything that it brings. With the current state of our society..where people don't seem to stay together forever anymore..it gives me hope and faith that it can be done. This couple completely and totally restored my faith in love...and makes me dream that it all really is possible :)

And with that, I will head off to bed..with dreams of happiness and endless love filling my heart with joy :)

Here Comes The Bride..

2008-07-30T20:49:00.004-04:00

No, it's not me. It's DEFINITELY not me. It's so far from being me..it's actually almost FUNNY.

Basically, to spill the beans..One of my two best friends...my lovely Nenna got engaged to her very own Effrey!

Now, I could not be happier..as I love BOTH of these two DEARLY. (In fact, I love them both at LEAST as big as a dump truck, and maybe even a digger) I'm so excited for them..as the wedding planning is ALREADY in FULL swing! In the few short weeks they've been engaged they've managed to secure a venue, church, place for photos..as well as other things! These things are a necessity to do early..as evidently wedding things are super popular..and the 'big ticket' issues apparently have to be booked well in advance.

So this ALSO means..I get to be a bridesmaid. Which I am super DUPER excited about as I love weddings and being in weddings and doing fun wedding-ish stuff! The last time I was the bridesmaid in December I had a blast and everything just worked out and was so beautiful and happy and wonderful that I'm REALLY excited to be a part of that again for others that I hold closest to my heart.

ANNND...I've got a little book and everything.

It's really true, I do. Because you know, I'm a giant loser like that. It has things that *I* have to do, things that I have to remind Nenna to do, and also things that cannot be done under any circumstances (For instance, the fun of the chicken dance has been banned...I know, collective 'AWWW'...but what can ya do?)

So I'm excited..in 13.5 months..my Nenna and Effrey will ACTUALLY be married. For real. They'll be their own real little family....and as Nenna's little boy Gigglenuts has told us..we all know that getting married means that "Mommy and Effrey will live with me forever" - It's the true definition of marriage..straight from the mouth of a three year old. ACTUALLY.

Holy moly...the more I think about this..it's scary! Not scary in the TYPICAL way..but just in the 'Wow - I'm so behind on this 'growing up' thing' kind of way....haha - ah well..I guess we all do things in our own different times..haha! :)

Anyways. So when I finally got confirmation that a proposal HAD happened...I drove 1.5 hours to a) see the ring b) say congrats c) try to take 2498713948 photos of the ring try to get a good shot of it (note to self: diamonds + photographing = HARDER THAN IT LOOKS)

These were a few of my end results:

I like this one :)

The top of the ring

The side with the cute side diamonds!

So yes..that's the exciting news in the world of engagements 'round these parts! I'm oh so looking forward to the wedding of my lovelies! It's going to be such a perfect day..I just know it! And I'm also excited because it means that I get to hang out and partay (like it's 1999) with my second family..YAY!

So all in all..some pretty exciting times around here! :)

Update Slacker

2008-07-28T22:39:00.002-04:00

I, dear readers (if, there are any of you left in the great white in-tra-net abyss) am a horrible, rotten, no good, very bad..blogger.

That's right.

You heard me.

I admitted it.

BUT!

Things have been crazy. (When are they ever not? BLAAAAAH!)

Let's Review..

Since I last updated I have:

Got a job in Switzerland
Bought a laptop
Worked stupid amounts of hours
Drank a few too many drinks
Hung out with lovely people
Slept too little
Danced
Sat anxiously awaiting my work permit
Had my best friend go and get herself engaged (and thus, subsequently, have become a BRIDESMAID!!!)
Gone to a fair
Spend hours agonizing over EVERYTHING
Gone for cottage adventures
Eaten icecream
Spent too much money
Got an international drivers licence
Ate pizza
NOT booked a flight (which I think is subsequently giving me an ulcer..gah)
Smelled peaches
Taken oodles of random photos
Played 'Word Whomp' with my mother WAY too much
Not spent enough quality time
Filled my car up with gas that costs WAY too much money
Sat on patios, decks and other lovely sitting places in the warmth of the summer
Sang at the top of my lungs
Worried that things won't work out
Mailed a letter
Got a new credit card (....)
Toasted with champagne
Played guitar hero (who knew?)
Ate steak (this is a big deal folks, I'd never eaten more than a piece of steak before in my life..and even then..I've always spat it out..haha)
Been told "I love you" (even if it was by a three year old..)
Daydreamed

So, I've been up to a lot of this and that.

I'm exhausted now though (surprise surprise) and finally got in some hangouts with my daddio tonight..which were desperately needed. I feel as though I can't strike a balance with anything anymore..and I just feel like a constant disappointment..which sucks.

I also am supposed to start work in a foreign country..three weeks from today.

This is me. This is me FREAKING OUT.

I don't even know where to start ANYTHING right now. I'm just stressball. I'm ACTUALLY a giantball of stress.

Elaboration on previous topics later. Maybe. Hopefully. Who knows.

Strawberry Adventures!

2008-07-02T22:17:00.010-04:00

As you may or may not know..I live and work on a strawberry farm in the heart of cottage country in a small town in rural Ontario...

Also..as you may or may not know..I love my little family of friends..I think that I have some of
the best friends ever. I'm actually quite convinced of the fact.

ANYWAYS. So. Last week I was working a split shift..which meant that I worked from 8-12 and then 4-8..which means it's a LONG day..because usually in my "break" (if I get out of there on time..which..never happens) I'm usually doing things for the store or dealing with phonecalls or etc. etc. So it usually ends up that I'm on my feet/on the go for about 12 hours straight..and by the end of the shift I'm EXHAUSTED and SO worn out that I can't even MOVE.

One day though..after FAR too long of feeling like we hadn't seen each other REALLY in days and days and even LONGER than just DAYS and DAYS..my Nenna came out for a visit! She brought her little boy Gigglenuts out to play at my work..and she brought Hammie too!
It had been a fairly busy morning..and then a stressful little time in the afternoon..so not only did she save my butt by picking things up in town to bring to me which I desperately needed..but she also brought her lovely self and others that I love muchly with her to my farm where we could pick some strawberries, go for a tractor ride and have some good old quality hangouts :) I had been having such a stressful yucky day before that..and was just tired of people and dealing with problems and dealing with LIFE that I just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide..but of course..it was BEST FRIENDS to the RESCUE!

I love my best friends. Love love love. That made my day SO much more enjoyable..and just put a smile on my face :) That's what friends are for..and I love having amazing ones that always know exactly how to make everything better..and make long days..lovely days :)

Anyways..on with le photos!

Tractor rides are the BEST part of strawberry picking at his FAVOURITE "aunties" work!

YUM! Strawberry eating machine!

Thumbs up for awesomely yummy strawberries!

Mommy pulling the wagon..Hammie taught Gigglenuts to say "Mush Mush Mommy"..oh dear.

Hammie and Gigglenuts chillaxing in their chariot :)

Things that make me..

2008-06-22T21:39:00.004-04:00

Things that make me happy:

1) Chit chats. I love chit chatting.

2) Running into professors..especially the ones you loved to bits.

2.5) Having other people run into old prof's that you love and hearing through the grapevine that they asked about you and want you to email them (AHHH!)

3) Days Off. Relaxation? YES!

4) Sunshine. 'Nuff said.

5) Strawberry Daiquiris. I live on a strawberry farm..nuff said?

6) Gum that comes in green packages. It reminds me of driving around with my grandmother and her telling me that I could get out a piece of gum from her purse (Big privilege..doncha know?) and it was always the green kind. I can't chew green gum without thinking about her.

7) Pens that write well. I love pens that write well..because pens that don't..are kind of a tick off.

8) Lip gloss. Not only does it make my lips feel better...but it's shiny and pretty!

9) Going to libraries. I want to LIVE in a library...so. many. book. choices!

10) When my puppy lies on my feet. It means that he loves me. I like being loved.

11) Watching the stars.

12) Getting emails

13) Anything that's bright and colourful!

14) CHERRIES!

15) Drawings from small children

16) Photo booths. Especially when you try to cram more people than it's physically possible to cram into one.

17) Monkeys. Because who isn't happier when monkeys are around?

18) Silly people. The ones who make me laugh and smile.

19) Flowers.

20) Finding $20 in your old coat from the previous season

21) When cats purr because they're so happy.

22) Walking around aimlessly, just to take everything in

23a) The smell of babies 23b) Babies smiling 23c) Babies giggling

24) Dinner parties

25) Walking through grass in barefeet

26) New friends

27) Eating pistachios. YUUM!

28) Daydreaming

And that folks..is only a few of the reasons why life is good.

Bedtime Procrastination

2008-06-20T21:36:00.002-04:00

I'm slowly but surely getting back into the habit of early mornings and early bedtimes..

But I still don't like it.

Especially when I have to be happy happy cheery cheery at 8am. To people.

I love my job and all..

But really..that's a lot to ask.

At least I'm not working market tomorrow. Happy happy cheery cherry at 6am is DEFINITELY not my friend.

Thank goodness for small mercies?

Hope for sunshine tomorrow...looks like we might be busy. It's a busy time of year.

I'm also anxiously awaiting news of the European Adventures. I hate waiting. I just want to KNOW already if this family will say yes to me or not..gah!

Okay, I've really got to stop procrastinating and get to bed. A real post..sometime soon. Maybe.

Pictures of work fun tomorrow maybe!

Also, is tomorrow national 'everyone get married' day? I think that everyone is getting married tomorrow. For real.

Okay, this is the worst post I've ever written. It's random, it's stupid, it's full of horrible spelling and gramatical errors.

Also, every 'sentence' (if you can even call them that..) seems to start on a new line.

Yeah, I'm cool like that.

Okay.

To bed.

For real.

Night Folks.

Summer Adventures

2008-06-17T08:40:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe that it's the MIDDLE of JUNE. Umm..WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!
I don't even know how this is possible. I'm REALLY quite confused!
Anyways. I'm bound and determined to be a better blogger. I really am. Hopefully. LOLOL!

So let's play catchup.

The start to this summer was..a little slow. There were some quality hangouts...a lot of Tim Hortons dates and some other general fun..but nothing TOO crazy..then one day..Nannon and I decided that we needed to have the BEST SUMMER EVER(tm). We decided that in ORDER to have the BEST SUMMER EVER(tm)...we needed to live by a few certain rules...

A) You need to be open to everything
B) You need to be willing to be severly exhausted
C) You can't use stupid excuses
D) You need to put yourself out there
E) Be random, silly and have fun
F) Don't care about what other people think

Those are the basic unwritten rules. Which are now written..as I just typed them. Hrm.

Anyways. So far, this philosophy has worked out QUITE well! There have been some fun random adventures so far..and I'm looking forward to many more! We have gone for coffee dates, but not just at our regular hangout - we've actually ventured around and about the lovely downtown this city has to offer! We've made a TON of new friends..we'll just go out and randomly start TALKING to people..and then suddenly we'll find someone we have in common (yeah, small town?) and then next thing you know..you have a bunch of new friends! I've just really stopped caring about what people THINK about me..I care..but I've kind of accepted that if people don't like me..that's too bad for them and I'm going to enjoy life to the fullest. I go out and will have some drinks and dance and meet new friends...Last night I went out with my friend JC and we walked around the park for 2+ hours, then went and sat in a coffee shop, and FINALLY, we grabbed pizza around 10pm, and went and sat on a dock down by the lake where we chatted more and laughed and ate pizza in the middle of the lake. It was awesome good times..and it was needed on both behalfs.

I'm in a bookclub with Shopgirl* - through which I've already met a ton of great people, and reconnected with others. It's nice to be able to just..go out and talk and laugh. I enjoy laughing and talking so much..you have no idea!

We've also just been..'hanging out'...sitting in Nannon's house talking and laughing...about nothing, about everything.

I've also decided that dragging Shopgirl* out with me everywhere is basically my mission for life this summer..LOLOL! It seems like every two seconds I'm like..Hey..wanna do this..Hey..you're coming here with me..I'll be there to pick you up in 20 minutes..LOL! Which is SO funny, because it's only since I discovered her blog that we've really became REAL friends. We KNEW each other, and ran in SORT OF similar circles, but things are just different now. It doesn't hurt that we have far too much in common and sometimes I think that she IS just me in a different body...LOL! Great friendships come in the least unexpected places..and that makes me happy :)

Things are also looking great for my European adventures. Not sure whether or not I mentioned it here, but I'll be moving overseas come the fall to be an aupair (a glorified nanny..haha). Even though it's not EXACTLY my field which I've gone to school for, it's still with children..and I don't think that I particularily WANT to teach next year. That, and this has always been one of those things on 'my list' that I just WANT to do, that I feel like I need to do. It's quite exciting! I really need to move ahead and get some of my profile for that done..but I've been quite busy at work!

Anyways, guess I better run. Just thought I should update!

Ta for now lovlies!

Ten Things

2008-06-12T15:49:00.003-04:00

I know I've been awful at updating. It's life, it happens. Hopefully I'll get into a routine sooner rather than later. We'll see :)

ANYWAYS. I still don't REALLY feel like updating right now. So instead. Ten things. Enjoy!

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:

1. I kind of want to be you. In the least creepy way possible.

2. Thanks..even though I know it's hard..I appreciate it.

3. Through everything, you make me smile and that's why I love you.

4. I wish you didn't drink so much..I worry about you.

5. It's crazy and impossible..but I can't help but dream.

6. It hurts that things are the way they are .

7. You're too academic and stuffy. Have some fun.

8. I wonder sometimes how much you're saying is the truth

9. I wish that you were here so that we could dance and laugh and drink and chat.

10. My life was filled with drama when you entered it..you're not a part of me anymore but your drama still follows me. I hate it with a passion.

NINE things about yourself:

1. I hate fighting with people.

2. I love pineapple.

3. I want to learn to play the gui-tar.

4. I am a huge procrastinator.

5. I'm actually quite shy.

6. I'm bad at standing up for myself.

7. I like to read..a lot.

8. I am terrified of failure.

9. I take too many photos.

EIGHT ways to win your heart:

1. Being kind and caring.

2. Being cute with children.

3. The eyes.

4. Smart and thoughtful.

5. Honest.

6. Understanding, accepting & compassionate.

7. Similar interests.

8. Good sense of humor.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:

1. Where life is going

2. Work

3. Stupid blah

4. New adventures

5. Friends

6. Money

7. Travelling

SIX things you do before you fall asleep :

1. Say goodnight

2. Brush my teeth

3. Set my alarm

4. Read my book

5. Close my eyes

6. Think happy thoughts

FIVE people you can't live without:

1. Parents

2. Good friends

3. Happy people

4. Delivery guys

5. Le guys..hehe

FOUR things you're wearing right now:

.1. Sweater

2. Flip flops

3. Jeans

4. A ring

THREE songs that fit your life perfectly:

1. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

2. Breakdown - Jack Johnson

3. Lullabye - Sean Mullens (Yes, I realize he's creepy and that everyone now HATES this song..but I still love it..haha)

TWO things you want to do before you die:

1. Travel the world

2. Have children

ONE confession:

1. I stole a lipgloss from a store when I was 4 because my mom said that I didn't need it and that she wasn't buying it for me. I hid it in my room and never used it. I still feel guilty, to this day.

En Francais SVP

2008-05-29T22:44:00.006-04:00

Tonight I had the joy of going to my eleven year old cousins class production of a modern day 'Romeo and Juliet'. The class had been studying the middle east and the conflicts there..and as such they took a rather interesting slant on Romeo and Juliet with the whole idea of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict..Generally it went very well, they acted and worked their little butts off and I really enjoyed myself..even though the entire production was 'en francais' and my french is..well..weak! I understood enough to get by, and I did know at least a vague outline of the play..so that helped!

It was really nice though, to be a part (even if only a small audience member part) of something that these cousins are a part of. For so many reasons there always seem to always be reason that we don't interact as much as I would like...so it was really refreshing to have the chance to go to something of theirs and see them..and I know that J was really happy that I was there and was BEAMING when I told her that I really liked the show and that I thought her acting was awesome (which it so rightly..was!)

So on just the surface, I enjoyed myself immensely..but then as I am sitting here..I'm thinking about all of the effort that went into making this show successful. It's an amazing amount of work..the play is adapted by the teacher in charge..depending on the students and the resources and yadda yadda. They have a million and one props that are hand made, borrowed, bought or pled for...sets which are hand painted..lines which are rehearsed over and over again..and a million other minute details that are done. And as I was standing there tonight, I realized how much time, effort, love and patience has gone into this production..and how worth it it was to these kids..the fact that they brought this to life..was just..amazing..and it was all because they had an amazing teacher to help them and guide them into where they needed to be so that they could reach the potential they have..

It really hit home for me then..even though I didn't understand every single word, even though there were those little 'oops' moments where someone goofed...forgot a line or the wrong song played..they were all insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Those kids aren't going to remember the nitty gritty details of their math lesson or their english lesson..but they'll always remember putting together this grand production, working as a team and accomplishing something that they're incredibly proud of. It reinstilled in me what I want to be as a teacher, what I NEED to be as a teacher. I had become so worn down by all of the people who are out there..doing what they do simply for the paycheck, not for the love of it. Not because they really CARE. Teaching is about caring..teaching is about making a difference..and that's what this teacher did for his students..he gave them tools, resources and a way to become confident in their abilities to not only showcase themselves, but also to work together as a cohesive team. You could tell by the looks on those kids faces that they WORSHIPED him..because he respected them and cared enough to put his heart and soul into doing something meaningful for those kids. That's the kind of teacher I'm aiming to be..that's what I've always wanted to be..it's those moments when it suddenly hits you...that the smiles on those kids faces as they took their final bow..that is why I want to do more, to be more..they're why I want to make a difference.

The language barrier may have been there..but when it came down to it..it language itself was relatively insignificant. Me being there wasn't REALLY about the play, sure on one level it was..but seeing what amazing teachers can do when they put their heart and soul into something..that's what I feel as though I was meant to see..to know that it really can and does happen..and that I cannot let myself be discouraged and that with a little (a lot?) of strength..I can eventually become the teacher I want to be..and do an amazing job doing it. Faith in the teaching profession is on the path to restoration..now all I need to do is find my place, my niche, on that path..one step at a time :)

Crazy Crazy

2008-05-28T21:39:00.005-04:00

I often joke (mostly out of extreme fear) about becoming the 'crazy cat lady'. You know, the obscure one who lives alone with only her cats to keep her company. As much as I love cats, and especially MY own cats..this fear is something that drives me insane! I'm one of those people that most often, likes to be surrounded by people. As much as I know that this is my own conscious decision, and I can always choose to have lots of friends and family around me..I dunno..there is something about that old 'crazy cat lady' idea that nags at the back of my mind.

That said, I really do love my cats. They're the cutest of cute little things..and they really do have their own little personalities and funny little quirks. We've always had cats in the house as I was growing up..but right now we have FOUR in our house..and that's the most we've ever had and they're all quite wonderful lovely cats...I often find myself referring to them almost as though they're not pets, but children..and that's partly where my fear of turning into a crazy cat lady comes into view..haha!

Spot is the baby of the cats, and a dainty little princess..who always wants to get her way. She doesn't really like to go outside that much, unless the weather is absolutely PERFECT. She is skittish and doesn't take to new people well..she likes certain people and always wants attention from them..but anything new or noisy scares her. She has this funny little meow and will use it to get your attention if she needs you for something or wants something. She's extremely tiny in stature, and is the only of the cats whose weight doesn't fluctuate a lot..she stays at her regular 5ish pounds. My Dad calls her the 'neurotic' one...but in the end, everyone loves her. Sometimes the other cats pick on her or tease her, but then ten minutes later they'll be outside teaching her how to hunt chipmunks, or making sure that she has her turn at the food bowl, or just cuddled up on someones bed with her..they all look out for her and it's rather cute :)

If Spot is the baby of the cat family, then Callie is DEFINITELY the Mom. She's pretty easy going, nothing really bothers her..and she doesn't generally make a fuss about anything. If you move her from where she's sleeping..that's fine..if she gets a treat, that's fine..if not..eh..she'll be fine. She likes to keep the peace between the other cats, and has been found in the middle of a typical 'cat fight', on no ones side..simply trying to get the others to stop fighting about whatever they happen to be fighting about. She'll bathe Spot in the afternoon soon, and keep the 'guys' company when they're outside hunting..and just generally goes with the flow.

The king of our current cats is Tucker. He's the typical alpha male. Callie and Tucker are twins and look almost identical, especially in the summer when they weigh the same. The only difference really is that Tuck has a little more white under his chin and on his belly, and he has broken his tail, so it actually makes them quite easy to tell apart now..but when they were little..it was virtually impossible...but that's a cute story for another time! Anywho, Tuck likes to be the hunter and the protector and he's the boss of the rest of the cats. He really does take care of everyone..at night he'll make sure that all of the rest of the cats are inside before he settles down..one time Spot was outside and there was a thunderstorm and he came back to the house, meowed at the door until someone came to let him and then wouldn't come in, yet wouldn't stop meowing until we followed him outside to where Spot was hiding from the storm so that we could get her and bring her home. Tucker enjoys eating cheese, but only certain types of cheese..and it's as though he has 'cheese radar' as he can be ANYWHERE in the house and you take a certain type of cheese out of the fridge and he comes RUNNING. Take out a different kind and eh, he could care less..he'll just go on with his normal everyday routine. He generally enjoys little treats, but cheese and crackers with my dad is his favourite..and the reason why he gets so fat in the winter! Once spring comes though, he's rarely inside during the day and really only eats what he catches, which means he gets pretty thin, pretty fast..he has more fun hunting and climbing trees and running around than coming inside to eat dry old boring cat food.

Our latest addition to our cat clan is Mr. Grey. Unlike the rest of our tabbys, he's..well..Grey. He came to us this scrawny little imp, and has slowly but surely found his place here (and managed to get the cat equivilent of a beer belly). He is tough..he's not scared of anything, not at all skitterish and will strut around like he owns the place..which I honestly sometimes thinks that he does! I like to describe him as that crazy old uncle that everyone has in their family. The one that is always around and always THERE..but no one really knows WHY he's there or WHAT he's doing..or even how he fits into the picture..yet they love him regardless. He's the grumpy old man sitting in the background..who really has the kind heart when it comes down to it.

So those are a few of my pets..the cats of the family. I love them all so, they all have such individual personalities..and I wouldn't give them up for the world..even if it means that I'm slowly but surely turning into the 'crazy cat lady' that I fear being :P

Tipsy Turvy

2008-05-27T23:22:00.002-04:00

The older I get, the more complicated life seems to get.

Take for instance when I was four. Lifes complications were HUGE to me then, but looking back on them..they were a piece of cake. Sometimes they were quite LITERALLY cake. How exactly do you manage to convince mom that leftover birthday cake IS an acceptable breakfast food? That was a big problem that my four year old mind had to work through. Other big problems involved deciding whether I wanted to play at the sand table OR the water table. Or sometimes the major deli ma's in my life surrounded which colour I wanted to put on my paint brush to create my latest master piece...red, blue or should I REALLY spice things up, mix them together and get a snazzy shade of purple!? Oh the problems of my four year old existence.

Now things seems to get more and more complicated the older I get..and I'm constantly torn between things...and I have no idea even where to start...No matter what I do in my life..I constantly feel as though something else is suffering. If I spend a lot of time with friends..I feel as though I should be spending more time with family..but then I feel as though I don't see my friends enough...and then I'm racked with guilt because I want to spend TONS of time with EVERYONE..but I just can't seem to figure out how to balance everything out. If I'm not working..I feel guilty because there are so many things that NEED to be done..but then if I'm at work I feel as though it would be lovely to just be able to spend some ME time..I feel guilty either way! I have no idea what I'm doing next year..I feel as though I want to just get up, pack up some things and leave..but I feel guilty leaving everyone and everything behind..there are things that are tying me here..which most people have not even the slightest idea what these things mean to me..but yet, they do tie me here..and it's hard to leave them, even if it is only temporarily.

I don't know what to do anymore..I feel as though no matter what I do..something is suffering, something or someone is being let down..and it's starting to wear me down. Life is like a rather tipsy turvy boat that's constantly changing directions every time I look up, and even sometimes when I'm not looking at all. What it all comes down to is the need for balance..the need for some sort of semblance that makes sense of everything...the only problem is..I have no idea where or how to start making sense of anything...or making decisions of any kind. I'm rather bad at decisions..especially these big life altering ones.

The decisions now are so overwhelming that my mind just wants to go back to being four...and be able to make those 'tough' four year old decisions once again. Just in case you hadn't figured out the answers to my four year old self's problems..the answers go a little like this:

A) You always make purple..because when you're four..purple is a fun 'girl' colour...which means 'pretty pictures'
B) The water table means you get to splish splash, thus it reigns supreme over the sand table.
C) When you're four and adorable, you simply need to bat your eyes, stick out your lower lip with a slight tremble and tell Daddy that Mommy won't let you have cake but you MUST have it for breakfast.

And then suddenly you have it, the answers to all of lifes pertinent questions.

Ah, if only life were ACTUALLY that simple.

Babysitting Escapades

2008-05-23T12:44:00.004-04:00

Wow! So this week has FLOWN by..I honestly don't even know where to start. I keep coming home and then being about to write some sort of a post of one of the million things that I've been THINKING about writing..but then either start and don't finish or just never really start at all.

I think that it's one of my downfalls of blogging..when I actually do have something exciting to post about or something that I want to record because I've been thinking about it and it has been on my mind..I'm less likely to write about it or feel as though I can write about it because I'm out DOING it and living life and don't really have time..and then when I am at home I feel much more lethargic and dopey and don't really take the time to sit down and write as much as I would like to..because I'm tired or doing other things that need to be done.

So anyways. I've decided that I'm taking today off from doing work work..I might get around to some later in the day..but it's not really looking like it's going to happen. It's one of those not so productive days..which comes from a semi productive week..I've been on the go lately..just constantly. Working at my job..which I enjoy but sometimes find difficult because I'm working on my own and am trying to organize and get everything ready before we open...there is just so much to do that sometimes it's rather overwhelming. And then to top it off..I've been babysitting at night on top of that..which is lovely and wonderful..but draining as well.

I happen to be the regular babysitter of two of the most lovely and adorable kids who have ever existed..they make me beyond happy. Whenever I have the chance to babysit them I enjoy myself SO much. They have such amazing imaginations and ideas and love to come up with new games and tell me what they've learned lately and just be silly and goofy. We play many games and it takes me back to my own childhood..They enjoy things like 'What time is it Mr. Wolf' or "Red Light, Green Light" of COURSE..but we also can often be found playing 'Pirates' (We build a 'ship' in the living room out of chairs and couch cushions and any other sort of materials we can find) and then ward off attacks from other ships as we try to find treasure that is hidden on random islands that we come across in our travels. The kiddlets have also taken to playing 'Safari' which involves us going on dangerous missions to rescue animals and then sometimes having to have helicopters come and get us because we're lost in the middle of the rain forest. After playing a combination of some of these games..we'll go for a bike ride or a walk or play on the trampoline or do something fun outside to get rid of their energy..come inside and have some fruit (or if I'm feeling extra nice..some ice cream) for a snack and then suddenly it's bath time and bedtime for Q2 and Q1 is allowed to watch TV for half and hour while I read stories to Q2 before it's Q1's turn to have a bath, be read to and tucked in. This past week Q2 has taken to procrastinating even more than usual before bed..but I'm a total sucker for reading to kids and she KNOWS it..so she always ends up getting too many stories..but then she's been asking to be sung to before I leave the room..so I sit on the edge of her bed singing her songs that my parents use to sing to me and rubbing her back until she's on the verge of falling asleep before I go and find Q1 and get him ready for bed..

It's a rather enjoyable experience...albeit exhausting at times..they make me beyond happy..just to watch them and seeing them come up with amazing ideas and thoughts and silly things that make everyone giggle. Even if I wasn't being paid to babysit..I don't think that I'd really care..the money thing isn't really why I do things..sure, it's nice..but if I didn't enjoy it..I wouldn't be doing it. When it's fun and enlightening and fills your heart with happiness..that's when you know it's something that you should be doing. And now I think that I'm going to climb back into bed, read my book and continue on with my lazy LAZY day. If only the weather would warm up so that I could have a lazy day in the sunshine! Ah..now that would REALLY fill my heart with happiness!

Friend Families

2008-05-18T18:26:00.000-04:00

Lately I've had the pleasure to start hanging out with some of my best friends siblings. Now, you have to understand that I LOVE my best friends to bits..and I love their families..and despite not knowing their siblings THAT well, I already love them by association. It's so funny..because as I become older the more I realize that the people I'm closest with, the friends I hold dearest to my heart..are the people whose families are most similar to my own. We all share similar values and beliefs and morals..and I think that is part of the reason why we all get along so well. Once you add in additional siblings and cousins and other members of the family who also share these similar views..you end up with this fun group of people who are all so similar to you and who you get along with quite wonderfully..which is..AWESOME!

This last year, one of my best friends (For the purpose of this blog..we shall call her [the best friend] Nannon) sisters (Said sister of the best friend has requested that her nickname be spelt with an ie when she was informed that I was going to write a blog about her..haha! So I present to you..the sister of Nannon..Hammie.) moved from her hometown to this lovely little town. She lived in residence, made lots of new friends and had a generally quite wonderful first year at Hippie U...from what I've heard at least! She's now moved in with Nannon..and thus comes as one of those built in friends. Despite being a few years younger than us, she's quite lovely and wonderful to hang out with. We've had the pleasure of having LOTS of hangouts this past week..and it makes me happy to have her around for the summer to keep me company. I really enjoy when random friendships such as this one just..appear. It's not necessary to TRY very hard at them, you already have things in common with them and it's another person who you can laugh with and have silly inside jokes with....and just have an all around good time with. It's nice that we can just hang out so easily without really even KNOWING each other that well..and are quickly becoming good friends!

This past weekend brought many siblings and family members of some of my best friends into the same realm as each other..and I love them all dearly. We can laugh for hours, go out and be silly, or just sit around talking...all the while having a quite lovely time. My friends are some of the dearest people in the world...and I wouldn't change them for anything...and I really don't feel like I need much more in life as long as I have them in my life...But then add to that the fact that I not only have have AMAZING best friends who I love to bits, who take me as I am and who know me better than myself..but within the package of their loveliness I also get an extended family...that's more than I could ever ask for! Within their families are people who love me, care about me and are generally beyond amazing...so not only do I have best friends..but I have best friend families..who encompass all of the best parts of said best friends..in large groups of wonderful people!

So yes, I've decided that I'm quite happy that Hammie has moved north and has joined our cute and quaint little friend family..she's a wonderful addition!

And, as a bonus..I no longer am the baby of the group of friends! Our Hammie now has that distinction of being the youngest...SCORE!

Little Miss..

2008-05-14T16:20:00.004-04:00

As I've been reading Shop Girls* blog I've noticed that her family has a lot of little inside jokes, sayings and other such cute stories. They're rather adoreable to read about..so I thought I would share a story of my own family that I happened to remember the other day.

I have one brother, who happens to be EXACTLY 2 years, 4 months and 14 hours younger than me. (Why I know this, I don't really know. Actually, I just figured it out....Wow..I'm a little bit of a loser today) So anyways, he's slightly younger than me..which means that he started out school slightly after me. (Makes sense eh? Younger child starting school after older child :P)

I have to explain that this particular stories takes place way back in the days when kindergarten was only half days..and you either went for the mornings or you went for the afternoons. Thus, since we were country kids, we were bussed home at noon, or picked up everyday at noon and taken to school.

During my brothers first stint at school, he came home with many stories...Things that they were doing, new friends, new experiences, etc. Although he wasn't a talkative child in public..he could be quite the talker in the quiet of our own home..so he would come home talking about this or that or various different things that had happened.

So one day he came home and ran off the bus, excited as could be to tell my parents that they had a new bus driver..

And then he dropped the bomb shell. When they asked what her name was he exclaimed.."HER NAME IS MISS PIGGY!!!!!!!!!!"

So of course, my parents laughed and titterd..because that clearly couldn't be her name, even though he was INSISTENT that it WAS her name. In my six and a half year old glory, I become irrationally jealous that he had a muppet for a bus driver. It was days later before I finally saw her and realized that she wasn't ACTUALLY a muppet...which was actually QUITE a disappointing blow for a six year old..

But not quite as disappointing as it was for my brother when my parents finally inquired about the name of the new bus driver..

..Turns out that she'd told the kids to call her Miss. Peggy.

Ah the joys of four year olds and their inability to tell the difference between i's and e's :)

Living Things

2008-05-11T23:46:00.015-04:00

Today was spent being not nearly productive in any way, shape or form. But I'm okay with that. I have this secret love of taking pictures..but I'm not good at it at all..I feel as though it's one of those things that can be learnt and developed..to a degree..but I also think that it takes natural talent..like a lot of things in life. I wish that I could take better photos..and have been considering for quite some time taking a course to learn about various important things to do with photography..Light, angles, etc. etc. But alas..Until recently..I've been a broke student who has no access to a decent camera and no access to funds for lessons, let alone a camera that would allow me to further this dream. So today I bring you my collect of random walking around photos..Which do disclose my identity quite a lot if you know me or have ever been to my house! Giant leaps away from anonymity I say!

I shall entitle this collection..Living Things. Enjoy!

New life - Just planted. Only a few days in the ground - a newbie!

Life attempting to poke its way through the bush

Rocks are not living. But the people who piled them here were.

This tree has been living a long time..and has the character to prove it.

Le puppy is living! And he will probably use that ginormous tongue of his to attempt to eat OTHER living things.

Although without leaves it looks as though it's not living..it really is.

Hiding amongst it's non-living friends..a living thing makes an appearance. Can you spot it? ;)

The sprinkler gives living things a refreshing drink.

A tree that looks as though it really is living!

Flowers are living..they mean spring has sprung.

A new life for young blueberry plants.
The barn is not living! But look closer, and you shall see that the vines growing on it are infact living.

The maple tree is living. So is the young family in the distance.

Weeds are living, but what pray tell is living inside the pipeline?

The trellis is not living. But it is made of things that use to be living..and is a home for many living plants in the months to come.

The footprints were made by living things. This is also the home to grass seed, which will soon be living.

Rhubard is living. Which makes me happy, because soon it will be living in my belly, in the form of rhubarb pie.

This truck is no longer living, but it once led a glorious live life filled with many an adventure.

My brother killed my old bicycle, ending its life as a normal bike. He then proceeded to preform life saving surgery, added a lawn motor engine..and revived it to be a living vehicle once again. Albeit a scary living vehicle which lacks any form of brakes.

Living things need water, like these clouds will bring.

They also need sun, which pokes its head out from behind the clouds.

The puppy is living.

My shoe that he has stolen on the other hand..

..He has ensured that it is dead. Good and dead.

The cherry tree is living and will make many a bird happy and full and help them to live once it gives us yet another lovely bout of cherries this summer.

Wake Up Slow..

2008-05-02T09:13:00.004-04:00

I'm not one of those people who can just sleep until noon. When my alarm goes off..I either wake up in a daze, press snooze and fall back to sleep until the alarm goes off again..or I'm awake and ready to start the day. Once I'm awake..I'm awake..and I figure I might as well get up and get going..if I lie in bed any longer I'll just fall back asleep and never get going..

But lately I've had late starts..which of course means that I don't get to bed very early..but that's okay..because I don't need to get up nearly as early as I have been..

So today my alarm went off..and I drowsily hit the snooze button a few times..

I've now physically MOVED my alarm clock to the other side of the bedroom because if it's on my night table I hit it while I'm still half asleep and have been known to turn it off while still half asleep and then never wake up and be late..whoops! So I have to ACTUALLY sit up, get out of bed, put my feet on the cold floor (which is a rather rude awakening in itself) and walk (leap?) a few steps before I can reach the snooze button. Because the weather lately has been rather chilly..the last few steps of my hitting the snooze button has included bolting back to my bed, jumping under the covers and snuggling back into whatever dream I had been having.

But this morning...by about the fourth time..I hit the silly alarm..and then jumped back into bed..I was awake. Okay, so not REALLY awake. But semi awake...and even before the snooze button could go off again..I was drifting in and out of consciousness..but instead of just either forcing myself to close my eyes and capture a few more minutes of precious sleep, or forcing myself to get up and get started with my day..I just sort of lay there. The air in the room was frigidly cold with this ridiculous weather we've been having..and I could hear the pitter patter of raindrops on the roof..but I was deliciously warm and comfortable snuggled up in my blankets..

As I lay there..the alarm now turned off, just waking up slowly..I came to the conclusion that THAT is one of the BEST ways to wake up. To drift back and forth between awake and asleep..to wake up rested and refreshed..not forcing yourself to get out of bed..but slowly climitizing yourself to the day and allowing yourself to wake up slowly and enjoy waking up..instead of it being a chore.

And now instead of feeling tired and worn out..I'm awake, rested and ready to go. I'm excited to start my day..I feel refreshed..like today is really going to be a GOOD day. WOOHOO!

It doesn't hurt that it's Friday...which means WEEKEND!!! YAAAAAAAY!

Bitter..Cynical..Hopeful?

2008-05-01T23:34:00.000-04:00

I'm honestly beginning to believe that procrastination is my middle name.

Anonymous Procrastinator McOnymous.

That's ACTUALLY my name folks. Seriously. I'm not even kidding. Okay, so I am. But just a LITTLE. :P I've been so bad at updating in any shape or form lately. And you don't even want to know what I do with my spare time..I literally just sit here and am a zombie. I play random computer games..listen to music..read..and sometimes watch tv. I need to get off my butt and actually do something productive..although I did have a quite exciting day today! Although the excitement falls into that 'I can't talk about it because it pertains to my real life sort of life'..and thus anonymity becomes an issue. But let's just say..it was a rather large stepping stone, I was given immense amounts of responsiblity and it was surreal to say the least. WHOA!

So ANYWAYS. School is done. Mostly. I'm just going this silly little bit of practicum and then I'm freee! I'm excited for it to be summer..although we had SNOW the other day..so I don't really know how close summer is. Yes, you heard me correctly..we had SNOW. Mother nature is one cruel and unusual lady. The temperatures soar into the mid twenties..and now I freeze at night because we're hitting 0 degrees. Actually 0. Since when is that even allowed to happen in APRIL..let alone MAY.

Which brings me to my next topic. How the bloody hell is it MAY already?! Honestly! The year is just flying by and I have NO idea how it's happening! I think that I say that every year..and probably say it at the beginning of every month (well, not that it's MAY..because that would just be silly..but I say 'How in the world is it (fill in the month) already!?') I really just want to have a fun and exciting summer..and I'm hoping that it'll work out. I hope that work isn't too stressful (although it usually ends up being far more stressful than I ever could have imagined..ugh!) and that there isn't too much drama (ha..ha..here's to hoping!) and that it can just be a peaceful, relaxing, FUN summer. That's all I want.

Well, I lie. I want a lot of things...there is always something else that I want..chocolate..a nice boy..world peace..they all fit in there on my wants and desires list somewhere.

Speaking of boys..I'm fairly convinced that this town is severely lacking in nice, available boys. There are some who are nice and lovely..but taken. Then there are the ones who are nice and available..but not interested in girls what-so-ever...and then there are the ones who ARE available..but are mostly only looking to be jerks and find girls go home with after the bar. Any ones who are nice, available and interested in girls..seem to be snapped up before you know it..and it's rather frustrating..which is yet another reason why I feel the need to leave this town. That, and when everyone knows each other or is related to each other..it gets rather awkward when you're like..ooh..right..I remember you..you're my third cousin. Awkwaaaaaard. My grandmother would actually go through my yearbook when I was in high school and point out the people that I was related to and try to give me a family tree history. It was then that I decided that anyone from my hometown who I was interested had to go through the 'grandma detection' to ensure a lack of family ties..especially if they were from around the area..the ones who had been transplanted from other larger cities..I wasn't too worried about..but luckily it's usually the locals that sketch me out the most anyways. Most of the time..it's a generalization..but that's life.

I think my problem is that I just have this perfect little idea of the perfect boy for me stuck in my head..and as much as I know that it may not exist..I at least want SOME of the qualities that said imaginary boy holds...I'm not really willing to compromise on certain things..and I don't think that I should..I don't think that anyone should.

The real problem is that I'm this little romantic deep down inside. Really, not even far from the surface..because I am definitely the emotional sucker/sap/etc. and always have been. I want this little fairy tale..but not even really the fairy tale..I just want something half decent..although I would take the fairytale in a heartbeat. LOL! I know that it's silly to want that..and I know that I've probably been brainwashed by millions of stereotypes and false images that don't REALLY exist..or if they do are few and far between..and even then..cannot be perfect...because NOTHING is really ever perfect. And I know that relationships, especially the good ones take mounds and mounds of work and effort..but there is still a part of me that longs for a nice boy..someone who even if it's not a fairy tale..treats you like you are a princess..in the littlest of ways..just doing nice things for the sake of doing nice things. Someone who cares about the little things and listens and is there..I don't care about chocolate or flowers or being rescued from an evil fire breathing dragons (but extra points to a boy if he DOES)..I just want a nice boy who comes home and kisses me hello and asks how my day was..

In all reality..I want someone who I can travel with..and have fun and crazy adventures with. Someone who will push me to be the person I want to be..but will hold my hand and jump with me when I need them to. I want someone who doesn't care that the dishes are always done 10 minutes after every meal..and I want someone who comes home and builds forts with the kids in the living room..I want someone who enjoys going for a walk after dinner..and doesn't mind getting up early on a Saturday to go take someone to ballet lessons or hockey games or make an extra stop on the way home because I forgot to get balloons for a birthday party. I want someone who remembers that I don't like to eat cooked carrots..and every now and then has to be reminded that the phone bill is due..I want to have someone who I can sit and talk with for hours..just talking about silly ridiculous random stuff. I want someone who I can collapse with on the couch after a long week and drink a bottle of wine with and pass out with on the couch with..only to realize 12 hours later that sleeping on the couch all night is never as good as an idea as it seemed at the time. Someone who will dance with me..even if he doesn't know how to dance..and someone who isn't afraid to say what needs to be said. I want that house filled with kids who slide across wooden floors in their sock feet..filled with neighbourhood kids who always seem to come out of the woodwork. I want a dog, a cat and probably a hamster because someone HAD to have them for their birthday or they'd just die...because everyone ELSE in their class got a hamster. I want lazy summer days in the backyard..vacations to cottages and the east coast...days where everyone is home sick because we keep passing each other silly colds..and a kitchen that makes the best cookies in the neighbourhood.

I guess my idea of perfection is this little cliche life. I want the good stuff..but I kind of want the not so good stuff as well..I want this little life filled with the good and the bad..because it's always the bad that makes the good that much better...and that all starts out with finding a nice boy. Which, as I've previously discussed..does not seem to exist within the confines of this quaint little town. Even most people I know who have FOUND nice boys and exist with said boys here..have had their boys relocate from other areas. Le SIGH. Oh well..I'll just go on being my little hopeless romantic..who has all of these dreams about her so called perfect little life. Actually. Strike that. I'm not a hopeless romantic..I may be becoming bitter and cynical..but there is still hope that someday I'll find some sort of my perfect little dream life. I don't care if I get it all..Life always has a different direction and a different path in which it can lead..it never goes the way that you expect it to..but it usually has a funny way of working out..so I'm not a hopeless romantic..If I do say so myself..I'd like to believe that I'm a hopeful romantic. Maybe. We'll see how much longer I can hold out on that front ;)

Lullabies

2008-04-25T12:01:00.002-04:00

Spring time really makes me happy..there is something so refreshing about the spring..but there are many reasons why I love this season so..one of them being nighttime.

The evening in the spring is much different than other seasons..the nights are beginning to become warm..but not TOO warm. You can go outside in only a sweater and usually be perfectly comfortable...which is quite nice if you ask me! You're able to go for walks and look at the stars and just enjoy the peaceful serenity of the night.

I love that I can sleep with my windows open and comfortably sleep throughout the night enjoying the cool air while cuddling under my blankets..there is something extremely comforting to me about sleeping with my windows open..I love it.

Another reason that I love being able to sleep with my window open is the sounds I can hear while drifting off to sleep..I've found that this scares most people (especially the city folks) who are fearful of leaving their windows open..but I enjoy it to an utmost degree. The reason that I love these sounds so is that they're so..peaceful. Listening as an owl hoots its sorrowful song..or to the branches swaying in the wind..I love drifting off to sleep with these comforting sounds. My favourite (by far) though is the sound that the frogs make. I happen to live close to a water source..and in spring the sounds of frogs are EVERYWHERE. Millions of tiny voices singing songs to each other..looking for their mate..calling out to no one in particular..it's refreshing. It's one of the reasons why I love living where I live so very much. At night, as the darkness falls...I love going outside to listen to the sounds of the frogs..and then as I climb into bed..I close my eyes and drift off into a peaceful slumber to my frog lullabies..

And honestly..who DOESN'T love being serenaded to sleep?

..Even if it is by a frog? :P

The End Is Near..

2008-04-20T22:53:00.005-04:00

I've found this journal hard to write in a lot of respects...mostly because of the anonymity aspect. It's more difficult than you would imagine! There are so many things that really do give me away and tell people who I am..which I've come to grips with more in the past little while..but still am completely unsure about whether or not I really want to disclose my true identity.

I think that the reason I find this so difficult is that there are so many things that go on in my daily life that are unique happenings to what is going on in my own particular life..and thus if anyone who knew these things would be able to uncover my hidden identity immediately.

Anyways, the weather here lately has been AMAZING..totally unseasonal (thanks global warming! :)..but still lovely and amazing. It's crazy what good weather can do for my mood. Well, good weather AND being OH SO close to completing school. YAY!

I spent virtually the entire weekend just..enjoying myself. It seems as though this year I've been on the go for far too long. I've spent so much time worrying, anxious and attempting to get everything completed that needed to be completed..and haven't spent nearly enough time on myself. Whenever life gets busy and things are on the go..I tend to neglect myself..which is okay for a little while..because sometimes there are other things that are just way more important..but when it goes on and on for this long..it's just not healthy anymore.

I feel as though I've spent so much time this year doing everything else that I was zapped and burning out...I knew it wasn't a permenant thing..but still..it's scary to think about what this program and the stress of life can do to a person. What I really want is to spend some time just..being me. I just want to be able to give myself a jump start and get things moving..but still have time to be able to relax and remember what I'm doing and where I'm going with my life..or rather..what I'm going to do and where I'm going to go in my life. Oh the possibilities!

Anywho. I guess I should run and get to bed fairly soon..need to be up early again in the morning...

I shall have more exciting posts sometime soon I hope!

And don't forget to stay tuned, as I feel I may disclose my identity with random life details..fairly soon :O

Five Dollar Bills

2008-04-17T20:41:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I had to go out and get a few items from one of those big, annoying box stores. It was just easiest to do this..and although I'm not so much a fan of these corporate mizzle pazzle places..(and have been severely trying to restrict my purchases from said places) I found myself upon their doorstep yesterday afternoon.

Anyways, I quickly entered the store..managed to find the few specific items that I was looking for..and probably another one or two that I wasn't looking for..and struggled through seas of screaming children and random 'four in the afternoon' shoppers to find my way to a checkout.

After quickly glancing up and down at the different registers I decided that it just wasn't worth it to wait in line for the convience of having someone else bag my few items and say that oh so scripted 'Hello, how are you today' with absolutely no enthusiasm in their voice what-so-ever. So I got in line for one of those pesky little self checkout things that more often than not beep every two seconds..and waited. And waited. And then I waited some more.

Finally it was my turn to scan my purchases and (hopefully!) be on my merry way to bigger and better destinations. Alas, the woman who was in front of me was taking longer than most people would..especially since she had already completed her purchase and was supposed to have moved on. (You of course can tell this by the annoying green flashing light above the self checkout station). Well it seemed upon closer inspection that the machine had decided to yell random things at her. It was telling her to 'take her change' (She had paid by credit card..thus..no change?) and that she needed to take her receipt (which she hadn't done because the machine had been yelling at her to take her change, of which, there was non and shouldn't have been any). So finally, she starts to walk off in a daze, and I run up to her and hand her the receipt, which she has still forgotten. I then go on my merry way ringing in my purchases and bagging them. I pay quickly and while I'm waiting for *my* receipt to print, I notice a crisp five dollar bill sitting in the change bay of the checkout.

I look around..slightly confused as to who this belongs to. I didn't really KNOW what to do...did I take it, shove it in my purse and forget about it? Surely not. I'm not one of those people that can just forget about something like that and not feel ridiculously guilty. Did I hand it in to the guy overseeing the checkouts? He would likely only pocket the money and not feel guilty in the least. Did I try to find the woman who had been before me in hopes that I could catch her and return her five dollars which had evidentally been the change that the machine had been yelling at her to take? But she had moved on well before this point and was likely already in her car and about to leave..So did I just leave it for some unsuspecting customer who followed me to take and shove in their purse/wallet/other random money holding device? I was at a loss for what to do..

After a brief hesitation, and a glaring look from the next lady in line as the green light above me had started to flash and I still hadn't removed my receipt or moved out of the way, I quickly scooped up the bill, grabbed my receipt and proceeded out of the store.

As I made my way through yet again more throngs of people, I wondered what I was going to do..the woman was surely in her car by now..and really...it was only five dollars..it wasn't as though I had found a particularly large sum of money that anyone would REALLY miss THAT terribly. But yet, I still felt extremely guilty..I didn't really know what to do..the comfort came when I decided that if I didn't see the woman on my walk to the car, I would find someone who needed the money and give it to them instead. So I walked out of the store feeling slightly less guilty..and scanned the parking lot looking for any glimpse of the woman who had been in front of me...when low and behold..I spotted her!

I quickly beelined over to her and explained that the machine had been trying to give her change and that I had found the five dollars and wanted to return it to her. She looked at me peculiarly and said that she couldn't imagine anyone ever returning money that they had found..let alone an amount so small and relatively insignificant. She said that it restored her faith in people to know that there were people in the world who still thought of others before themselves and that it gave her hope for the future.

We talked for another few seconds and like a flash, I was back into my own world heading on my merry way...her words still lingering in my head. I cannot imagine a world where people don't care for each other..but maybe that is because I simply do not operate that way...It's just not how I am...whether it be five dollars or five hundred dollars..that is not the issue. It's the reasoning behind it...it's the moral and ethical issues that play such a major role in determining who we are...and the person who I want to be is the person who is honest, trustworthy and someone who cares about other people in whatever way possible...whether it be a smile, five dollars or a simple have a nice day. When it all boils down to it..it's the little things that matter most. It's the little things that have the most opportunity to change the world..not only can you piece them together to create a tidal wave of change..but you can inspire someone else to be a better person, to pay it forward..simply by setting the example.

So as I left, I realized that maybe just this once..the big box store wasn't so bad. It had taught me a lesson about myself and the person I want to be..and I hope to believe that I inspired someone else to think about their actions and the example they want to set for someone else..but I still felt guilty as I had already partially earmarked that five dollars for someone who I decided desperately needed it as a way to ease my conscience. As I pondered this at a red light..I made another rash decision and took out an old crinkled five dollar bill, stuck it in the back of my wallet where I hide all of my receipts and other daily junk. I silently decided to keep it for the next rainy day when I came across someone down on their luck needs a helping hand up...in hopes of perhaps inspiring them to do whatever they could to pay it forward in whatever way they can. It's not like it was a large sum of money..but in most cases like these..I don't think that it's always the money that matters. To me, the money is just money..I'll never notice a simple five dollar bill missing from my current wallet..I'm not nearly that careful with my money that I would...but it was the statement behind the money..the thought that someone actually cares enough to reach out in whatever way possible...even if it's only a few dollars. I hadn't even given anyone the money..yet the simple act of giving, even in theory, inspired me so much that I've challenged myself to a new sort of challenge..whether it be five dollars, five minutes or five seconds...I'm challenging myself to do something small, each and every day..to help someone..to show someone I care..to try and make a difference in the lives of others..and hopefully inspire others to try to do the same..without even knowing it. Who knows..maybe those two five dollar bills can change the world. You never know...it could happen.

Roller Coaster of Life

2008-04-15T22:48:00.000-04:00

Whoa. So life has been..busy.

It's the end of the school year and things are beginning to wrap up..but I'm still going to be kept busy (even though school school is finished for me on FRIDAY..there is still stuff that will keep me there until mid MAY..how unfair I say!)

The past week has had it's ups and downs..some major projects to do for school which were taxing and time consuming..some shitty things happening..some REALLY shitty things happening (you know, the ones that make you question life and how it can be so cruel and unfair and generally BLAH) and then some really wonderful moments mixed in there too.

My life is a roller coaster. Actually.

But then..that's life..the good, the bad and the ridiculous.

I spent the evening at a friends house at one point since my absence..and it was completely and totally refreshing. After having a lot of my plate that week..I was just tired and done...and then I had to go over there for one reason or another..so I stopped by and decided to go in for a few minutes..

HOURS later I finally realized just HOW late it was and HOW early I had to be up the next morning and finally made my way home..

I paid for it the next day..I was exhausted and more worn out and behind than I should have been..but I didn't even really care..it was SO worth it. We just sat around for hours and chatted..and dished and gossiped and laughed..oh how we laughed. We talked about where life is going and what where we're going to end up..we talked about boys..we talked about our families..we talked about our beliefs, our loves, our hates and we sat around her living room eating candy and discussing life for HOURS. I just really need more moments like that...of planned nothingness. Just happiness. We had nothing on our minds that was really pressing..we were just catching up and chatting..and it was lovely. It was so nice to just be able to openly talk about EVERYTHING and just sit around discussing life and all of it's possibilities. I'm so lucky to have such amazing best friends..I love that we can chat for hours and never get tired of talking..or we can just sit on the couch for hours in complete silence..and that's just as comforting as sitting there talking. I really am quite fantastically lucky in that respect :) I love my girlfriends..Oh I am a lucky girl.. :)

So in the topic of 'The Same Old News' ...I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life or where or what I'm doing next year..and it's driving me insane! I just REALLY don't have any idea what to do..Ideally I'd really like to travel..but I just don't know. I just really wish I had someone who sat on my shoulder and made my decisions for me...'Blue or black ink?' 'Chicken or Veggie?' 'Red shirt or blue shirt?'....orange wine gum or purple? (Okay, that's an easy one..WHO EVER PICKS ORANGE?!) ...and then of course those pesky 'life' decisions..do I stay or do I go?...Sensible or Crazy?...Blaaaah! I just really don't know anymore. I never REALLY knew to BEGIN with..but honestly.

In happier news..I've remembered why spring is my favourite season. I love that everything is so fresh and new and gorgeous. There is just something about spring that refreshes my spirit. I love breaking out the flip flops (Yeah, I finally did! And I only stepped in one puddle that froze my foot off..and narrowly missed the last remnants of a snowbank..haha!) and wearing only a sweater outside during the afternoon when the warm sun pelts down upon you...mmm! So lovely!! I love seeing the buds start to try to come out..and the grass showing it's face again. I love seeing kids throughout the neighbourhoods break out the bikes and the skipping ropes and playing hop scotch...It's SO refreshing to see. Those old school classic play things that transcend generations and always have that way of bringing you back to your childhood. Remember how much fun splashing in puddles was? Or those silly skipping rhymes? The sound of the birds returning from their winter travels to sing a happy song from the trees above? Or just being able to run around freely with the wind blowing in your hair...

I love spring..it's so wonderful..there is just this sense of a fresh start..new life..everything that seems gloomy and gray and miserable can be solved in spring..simply because it's the season of fresh starts. So as I watch the last of the snow melt away..I appreciate winter a little more than I have in the past few months when we were buried in feet of the disgusting white mess that we call winter. And suddenly..I realize that I'm thankful that we have that long drawn out winter season..because at the end of winter..always comes spring..and that's nothing but pure and lovely bliss :)

MIA

2008-04-08T23:56:00.004-04:00

I'm pretty swampped right now.

I'm rather overwhelmed right now. ("I know you can be underwhelmed, and I know you can be overwhelmed, but can you ever just be..whelmed?" - This just popped into my head when I was writing this...Random useless points (And maybe a cookie!) go to the first one who tells me the movie that comes from..lol)

ANYWAYS. Back from my brief random thought detour.

There is a lot of stuff going on..

End of the year school crunch..personal stuff..work stuff...everything just seems to be attacking me at once.

So I'll be back in a few days once I straighten things out and get back on my feet and (to steal lyrics from that ridiculous movie that I still haven't seen but most 12 year olds insist on singing) "get my head in the game". (More random useless points go if you can tell me what movie THAT is from)

So if for some bizarre reason anyone is wondering why I'm not bopping around here for the next little while (and why I've been slightly MIA lately..)..it's because of the aformentioned reasons..And now I'm off to finish doing some stuff before bed..and then hopefully crash for a few hours..

Oh sleep, I miss thee.

Captured Memories

2008-04-07T21:41:00.007-04:00

The last few days I've been thinking about life..

About how I spend so much time and energy being upset over things I cannot control. And even when I can control things..if I just changed my perspective slightly..it'd all end up working out. Life has this ridiculously funny way of just..working out.

I just want to embrace and capture the fun more. There is so much in life that should be enjoyed..and I think that as a whole..the general population tends to forget to do this far too often.

Despite whatever happens..despite whatever life brings..whether it be good days or bad ones..life is still going to go on. It's still going to keep on keeping on. And it really doesn't make any sense what-so-ever to muddle around being upset about the little things..that in a grand scheme of things are so ridiculously insignificant. Might as well make the best of what you've got and what you can do with what you've got.

I think that a lot of this stemmed from the fact that I got some pictures developed today. And for the first time in years..they weren't photos of the digital variety. They were OLD SCHOOL. And I'm not even talking like..from a point and shoot..no sirree..they were from an old DISPOSABLE camera. That kind of old school.

And they weren't of anything spectacular. The quality was poor..and the pictures were nothing to write home about. They weren't the most funny pictures of the best pictures of a night out that I've ever taken. But they captured everything. There were no retakes..there were no do-overs. Everyone was just..real. The moment was captured..the happiness, the ridiculousness, the sillies, the EVERYTHING. The atmosphere shows through in these pictures and makes me long for another one of those nights. I think that the reason that I love these so much is that despite the fact that they're not perfectly centred or focused or even all extremely amusing..is that they're real. The captured us as we truly were..there was no saying 'AHH! DELETE DELETE!' after the photo was taken..and then a meager attempt to recreate the moment. The moment was just..there. Whether people liked the angle of their face or the way their hair was or WHATEVER other ridiculous things we insist upon obsessing over..the picture was captured..for better or for worse. The moment was stuck..it was captured..and whatever was being felt at the moment was captured as well. I think that the reason that I love them so much is that they're real. They've managed to capture the essence of what I love most about my friends and about the silly times we've had..they managed to capture us at our best, our worst..and everything in between. And really, that's what life is all about.

And yet again..as I'm wrapping up this post..a random song that I haven't heard in FOREVER comes blaring over my speakers from the random eclectic stash of music I horde upon this computer..so I'll leave it with the verse from these lyrics that is just..fitting.

It won't be long before it's another day...
We're gonna have a good time...
No one's gonna take that time away..

Alphabet

2008-04-05T15:19:00.004-04:00

A- Available or Single? – Both?

B- Best Friends? – They're lovely. I love having best friends who know me better than I know myself.

C- Cake or Pie? – If I had to choose..cake I suppose. Although I'm not too much of a fan of either.

D- Drink of Choice? – Water, lemonade or gin. Or gin and lemonade mixed together. Mmm!

E- Essential item? – Clothing. I like to be clothed..especially when in public.

F - Favourite Colour? - Oh a random assortment. Whatever fits my mood.

G- Gummi Bears or Worms? – Worms. They're typically chewier and more fun. I enoy fun!

H- Hometown? – Right smack dab where the house is :)

I- Indulgence? – Gossip, chocolate and wine. Especially when shaken, not stirred.

J- January or February? – February. As I've already recovered from the shock of christmas bills, the days are longer and hopefully we've begun to thaw out and not freeze quite as much anymore.

K- Kids and Names? – I like kids. And I like names. I have no kids..but I do have a name :)

Life is incomplete without? – happiness

Marriage Date? – I can't tell the future! I may be good..but I'm not THAT good!

N- Number of Siblings? – One in the traditional sense of being related to them..more if you count other such things :)

Oranges or Apples? – Apples! Yum!

Phobias/Fears? – Lonliness, unhappiness.

Q- Favourite Quote? – Oh there are quite a few..but as of late I'm quite fond of the quotes on the Ivory Soap packages :)

R- Reasons to smile? – Too many to name or number..

S- Season? – Spring! It's so fresh and full of new life and new beginnings :)

T- Tag 3 People? – You, you and..uhh..YOU! You're it! Wow. These are silly rules for tag..I'm use to only having to tag one person..what have kids done with these oldschool games of my childhood..gosh darn.

Unknown Fact About Me? – I throughly enjoy when I have a chance to read childrens books to children...they make me happy.

V- Vegetable You Hate? – Brussel Sprouts. Yeck.

W- Worst Habit? – Negative thinking

X- X-rays You've Had? – Only teeth I suppose..darn wisdom teeth.

Y- Your Favourite Foods? – Salad, pasta and any form of cheesy bread. Or really just bread. Mmmm bread!

Z- Zodiac? – Man. This survey sure is lazy..but if you really want to know the definition of Zodiac..who am I to complain? So here ya go:

zo·di·ac (zō'dē-ăk') n.
Astronomy. A band of the celestial sphere extending about 8° to either side of the ecliptic that represents the path of the principal planets, the moon, and the sun.
In astrology, this band divided into 12 equal parts called signs, each 30° wide, bearing the name of a constellation for which it was originally named but with which it no longer coincides owing to the precession of the equinoxes.
A diagram or figure representing the zodiac.
A complete circuit; a circle

Now. Doncha just feel like you know a wealth of everything? :)

Changing Tides

2008-04-05T14:08:00.003-04:00

It seems as though this spring has brought about many possible changes. Not only in the life of me..but in the life of almost everyone I know. From friends, to family to mere acquaintances..the lives of everyone who I know seem to be hanging in the balance of something which is completely and totally undefinable.

I think that I'm at that age where everyone is going off and changing and moving about. We're all finishing university, college and a variety of other things and about to embark upon our actual lives..whatever those may be. This means that there are enormous amounts of people who are completely and totally dumbfounded about where they're going and what they're going to do. Some people have jobs lined up, others..have nothing lined up. Some have tentative plans..further schooling..moving away..staying put..others have no plans at all. Whatever it is that they're doing..it seems like everyone I know is changing and moving. I guess this is something that always happens. When you break it down..life is a constant flux of this and that..but it just seems as though there are massive bouts of change happening currently.

There has been talk lately about new ventures and new things that are going on within a lot of peoples lives. New businesses, new cars, new houses..everything is new. But before this happens is when the great giant of the unknown likes to come and knock on everyones doors. What is the best decision to make? What if I make the wrong decision? What if..what if? Should I travel and explore or should I be sensible and settle down? Everyone seems to be struggling with these things at the moment...What to do..what to do.. There are so many options and it seems as though everyone around me, whether they be young or only young at heart, seem to be faced with. Siblings, friends, parents, cousins, and other family and friends all seem to be faced with a massive life decisions to make right now..what is the next step? Where do we go from here?

There also seem to be a lot of people I know who are moving into that 'next phase' of their lives. Instead of being wild and crazy anymore..people are settling down and becoming more and more serious. I cannot count the number of people I know who have got engaged or announced that they're pregnant in the last month. Countless friends, family and family friends have either been in these serious relationships lately..or have gotten engaged..married or are expecting now...which is great and of course I'm over the moon with happiness for them! It's just so crazy to think about..I cannot even imagine being there right now..I'm just not...I wouldn't so much MIND being there..but oh me oh my...so not there right now..LOL!

I had a discussion this morning..about this sort of topic with someone who I love dearly who has always made an enormous impact on my life. This person is non other than my darling daddy..(I've always been a 'daddy's girl' in the most typical and stereotypical sense of the phrase) and as we were talking about where life is going and what is happening and the future and the unknown..the wisdom that he passed along rang so true with my heart. We've spent hours lately chatting and discussing the future and what it holds and where things are going..and the end result..the bottom line..the big rocks that he wanted to emphasize was to ensure that I was happy. We talked about life and about the things that you do in life..how people can go their entire lives doing things that they don't love..simply for the sake of doing it. That people will try to attain things that are silly and useless, that they'll sacrifice their own happiness..and say 'Oh, I'll just do it later..' or 'When I retire..' or just generally put off the things that they love the most..and then never get the chance to get there..and just continually put things off again and again..

And I thought to myself..how true is that. What it all comes down to in the end is that we're happy. I'm beyond lucky..I have a loving family, friends and a good education. I can travel, I can explore, I can afford to live..I always have food on my table..and I have the opportunity to do virtually whatever I please and be happy doing it.. and really..what else in life really matters beyond that happiness?

And on that note..I'm going to go and take a lovely walk in this lovely sunshine and ponder life and happiness and everything in general right now. The plan for this afternoon is to enjoy myself and be happy :)

Hosiery Garments For Enclosing The Human Foot

2008-04-03T21:07:00.004-04:00

Today I came to a conclusion. I was sitting in the living room, minding my own business, when I realized how much I completely and totally hate...socks.

Yeah, that's right. I'm a hater. A sock hater.

I just really don't enjoy socks. There is something about them that just..irks me. I hate having my feet enclosed and feeling like they're being suffocated. I feel like my feet don't have room to breathe or stretch or do anything else but get too hot and icky inside my socks. I would much rather be chilling in bare feet so that my feet can wiggle around and do whatever they please than have to be wearing dumb old socks.

And then don't even get me started about the little bits of socks that gets left on your foot or, worse yet, inbetween your toes! EWW! Why would anyone ever choose to wear clothing that left little bits of itself behind when you took it off? YUCK!

It's quite literally one of the first things that I do when I get home from my day..I walk in the door and POOF..off come the shoes..OFF COME THE SOCKS! It's a rather refreshing feeling to take off your socks and have your feet feel as though they can exist again without hiding behind the disgustingness that is..socks.

I don't know how people can stand to wear socks all of the time. I just can't handle it..once the snow melts..forget it..you won't see me wearing socks again until we have snow again (unless of course there is some sort of an extreme dire emergency that REQUIRES that I wear socks..). I will go for MONTHS wearing sandals, heels, flip flops, WHATEVER..as long as I don't have to wear the dreaded socks. I don't know how people do it..I just honestly cannot handle wearing socks all of the time. It drives me absolutely BONKERS!

And don't even think about bringing up wearing socks at bedtime, because that folks, that's just plain crazy.

Weekend Yet?!

2008-04-02T19:29:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday! Hump day! It means that I've only got two more days..and it's..THE WEEKEND!! It's funny how exciting weekends are for me now..to be able to have the chance to sit down and not feel guilty about doing nothing..even if it's only for a little while. I'm rather excited!

I'm forcing myself (or at least, in rying to force myself..) to be in a better mood because I cannot handle being blah and feeling gross. This nice(r) weather also helps! I love that the sun is shining and that the snow is starting to melt..it's so refreshing from this gross cold wet blah. I think that's why I've always loved spring so much..because despite the mud and ick and whatever..spring just has this lovely aura about it :) It means that summer is coming..and I don't have to wear my stupid winter coat..and it just SMELLS nice. I love the smell of spring :)

So yes. It's Wednesday. That's where my off-topic mind last diverged. That means that it's only tomorrow (which should be an easy day) and Friday until that magical time called..the weekend! I have no plans for the weekend as of this date..but who knows what could happen. It's not likely that anything terribly EXCITING will happen..but who knows! It'll be nice to have a quiet weekend to myself even if anything exciting isn't happening. I don't know how much I feel like being around people right now anyways..so it's probably better that it's the end of the year crunch/beginning of exams..and people are busy and stressed..LOL! Yay for not being busy or stressed! I think that this is the first year in YEARS that I haven't been come April..it's a rather refreshing feeling!

I have some rather cute stories to write about..but they diverge a lot of my identity..and I'm not quite sure how ready I am to do that yet..so it's up for debate whether or not I shall post them..but regardless..let me just say that I love my job and it involves quite possibly some of the cutest. things. ever. There are actually quite a few cute things that I want/need to write about..but I've been making a mental list throughout the day today..and will get to it..eventually. Such a lack of time/motivation to write right now. I guess I should make a little ACTUAL list of things I should write about..and just bite the bullet and virtually give up my identity here.

I've still got a couple of posts to write about from my other post where people suggested things to write about..(which yes, I *am* going to get to..eventually..eep!) but here are a few other things that I'm also planning to write about in the near future (just 'cause I know everyone is DYING to know about the randomness that is my life...LOL!) Anyways, here is my tentative list of possible topics:

* puppy love
* dreams and dreaming
* stylin' photos
* spring time frollics
* mean people
* creativity
* reading for the love of it
* sour bits of this and that
* going oldschool

So that's all of my mental list that I can remember for now...Expect some or all or bits and pieces of those posts coming soon...amongst random..other..stuff.

For now though, I'm going to go and be completely and utterly lazy and boring. Because quite honestly, I don't really feel like writing down the millions of possible blog posts that are floating around in my head. Consider yourselves lucky.

Filler

2008-04-01T21:13:00.005-04:00

I keep starting a post..and then deleting it. And then starting again..and deleting it. It's a continuous cycle..and I'm not really getting anywhere..except for the fact that I'm dabbling yet again in the horrendous world of my lovely procrastination tendencies.

I've honestly tried to write about 8 different blog posts tonight.

I don't think it's going to happen..

Feeling far too exhausted, flustered and generally..blaise.

I really like the word blaise. It fits into my mood right now oh so well.

My goal is to have a happy and upbeat post..or at least something more along the lines of my regular self by the end of the week..we'll see how that one goes. For now, I think that I'm going to go to bed early tonight..as I'm utterly exhausted, worn down and feeling a little blah.

Goodnight blog land!

P.S. Not quite sure what the point of this post was..general fluff and filler I suppose. My deepest apologies if anyone actually spent more than 12 seconds reading this.

Meh.

2008-03-30T00:06:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I just want to sigh and quit life.

Instead I'll go to bed and dream happy dreams about loveliness.

Maybe.

But probably not.

Vague, I know.

Random, I know.

Unlike my usual blog posts..I know.

That's just the way it is.

This is why I don't have public blogs.

Skeletons

2008-03-27T22:07:00.003-04:00

Everyone has skeletons. Everyone has family who has skeletons. They can be large skeletons..or they can be small skeletons..but there are skeletons none the less. I don't think that anyone can exist without having their own or someone else's skeletons hiding in their closet.

It's amazing how many little (and I use the term little loosely..) secrets are kept..especially within families. We spend so much time and effort putting on that 'happy face' and pretending that everything is always okay and wonderful and that things don't go wrong and that you can still manage to be that picture perfect little family. Growing up I faced that a lot..the make believe game where you put on that front that things were never wrong...and you hid all of your secrets behind closed doors because things just weren't talked about.

Even now, there are still things that just aren't talked about. There are family secrets that I'm dying to know about..but only know bits and pieces because you just don't talk about that stuff.

Then this morning while the radio was on..I heard a news story. And living in a fairly small town...you end up knowing a lot of people. Anyways, one particular story captured my attention. Another drug bust..and it's sad to say..but I immediately thought of a distant relative (a third cousin) who has been in a lot of trouble in the past in regards to the drugs in particular that they were talking about. Now, this isn't a close relative by any means..but due to some circumstances our families have been interacting more than usual in the last while. So in the back of my mind..I wondered if he had something to do with this..as every time I hear of a serious hard drug bust in the area..he's always somehow been connected.

Turns out this time that he was not only connected, but involved in the higher up running of the rather large scale operation.

As my Dad told me what had happened (his parents house where he was living as he was 'trying to get back on his feet' was raided and whatnot last night - keep in mind this is an older man with kids and a family and such..) I just felt sick to my stomach. I didn't feel as sorry for him..he has had many chances to try and 'fix' his life. He has been given opportunity after opportunity to attempt to change..handouts and support from a myriad of places...and has never taken any of these things..or even tried to take them...or rather, never took them whole heartedly. In my opinion he's been extremely selfish...how can you even fathom putting other people through things like that..let alone going through it yourself? I just can't even imagine..maybe I've always been a little bit of a 'goodie two shoes' - but I have also been wild or crazy in my day..but I've perfected the art of hiding my wild and crazy side..so that only the people I allow see it..Otherwise I'm a perfectly respectable and responsible young adult..at least in their eyes! And I've never gone to the point where I would REALLY let down myself or my family...at least I hope I haven't!

It was when I thought of his family having to yet again deal with this..that it broke my heart. To think about his parents..(neither of whom are very well) having to face the fact that yet again their son is involved in drugs and crime..and will yet again end up in jail. To think about the kids who don't have a father figure..and everyone else who he has let down..I just..can't imagine.

The oddest part to me is that people are so ashamed to be associated with this. It's a very 'hush hush' thing that's talked about behind closed doors...not unlike other things within the family. The topic of conversation tonight brought up other skeletons that had been hiding..and I found out more random distant family rumours and whatnot. But the ones that I REALLY want to know (the ones about not-so-distant relatives)..of course no one ever tells me! To me, I think that everyone has problems..we all have those skeletons collecting dust. Sure, some are bigger than others..and no, I don't really LIKE being associated with people like this, but still, the question that I keep coming back to in my mind..is why are people so preoccupied with the idea of appearances? Why do we have to pretend that everything is 'hunky dory' when it's not? Why push it under the rug and pretend that it never happened..what's the point in that? Where does that really get anyone? Does it deal with the problem and fix it? Sure doesn't. So what's the point then?

Our society is so fixated on the idea of appearances..I don't know if we'll ever get over it. Whether it be physical appearances, status, wealth or anything else...we're obsessed. And I'm no saint..I'm dragged into it far more often than not...but the eternal question always nags at me..Why do we care? Why does it matter? Why can't we just live, admit we have flaws, admit that we're not perfect and neither are our lives..but admit that that's OKAY..and that life goes on anyways and we might as well just make the best out of it...because when it comes down to it..making the best out of what you've got is what it's all about.

Friendship Glue

2008-03-25T21:31:00.004-04:00

Friendships are like glue..There are some glues that hold for a long time, some glues that hold for a short time, and some glues that hold for no time at all. Sometimes the glue lasts longer than you expect..and sometimes something that is glued can be ripped off in a flash..it all depends on the type of glue and how you use it.

Over the years many friends have came in and out of my life. There have been friends of all walks of life who have at some point walked in (and sometimes out..) of my life..but in one way or another..they have all touched my life in some shape or form.

There have been some friends who have stuck around through everything. There have been some 'friends' who have stuck around through nothing..There have been some friends that have been around for years..and newer friends who have been around for a lot less time. There are some friends who are good at listening, and others who are good when you are the listener. There are some who are good for going out and having fun..and others who are good for a quiet night at home. Some I have everything in common with..others I have little in common with..Some I have more in common with than I would have ever assumed..but have remained more acquaintances than friends for reasons unknown. There are some that are quick friends (the glue from a hot glue gun?) and others that start out as friends of friends..or simply acquaintances...but slowly turn into some of the best friends you've ever had (That glue stick that sits in your desk drawer that you forget to use until three years later you finally pull it out and accomplish so many amazing projects with!) But there is always that constant glue that holds us together. Some unspoken connection or bond that has made through the crossing of our life paths...

There are many people who I know from my younger days who are not really friends at all..but people who have passed through my life at one point or another. Like when your teacher made you share the glue in the classroom..it wasn't really YOURS..but you used it anyways.. When I was younger, most of my friends weren't friends who stayed around, they were friends more of..convenience. I either didn't know, wouldn't admit or had no options (think: small town, peer pressure, etc.) for a variety of friends..so instead I was friends with people that when I look back on it now..I have little to nothing in common with. We MADE things in common with each other..but our interests and loves and passions did not tie us together..the material of our friendship was merely thin threads instead of distinct weaves..

Loosing touch with some people has made me cry at times..the years of friendship..and then that broken connection..it can be heartbreaking...It's like finding out that you worked for years putting something together..and then suddenly it all falls apart...the glue just doesn't stick anymore. I remember the first time that a friend slipped away..especially into the 'wrong crowd'. I sat and cried on the kitchen floor to my Mom for HOURS when the realization of that came crushing down..but then there have been others who also fell into that 'crowd'..and it didn't really affect me...It wasn't such a big deal..and their loss of friendship went over without too much ado...it was as if their glue wasn't as strong..they weren't as connected to me..so their breaking away wasn't felt nearly as much.

But then...I still have that group of friends from years ago who I can still keep in touch with and still communicate with and visit and catch up with after months (and sometimes years..) of not speaking..and we still have some sort connection left..a deeper bond that keeps us together. They're my super glue friends. The ones who always come bouncing back when you least expect them to.

It seems that life goes in cycles..for me at least. I go into something..a life experience of sorts (thus far in life..mostly schooling of sorts) and I make all sorts of friends and acquaintances..and then that experience is over..and I begin my journey to the next adventure my life has to bring..and I loose most of those people. It's not that I necessarily MEAN for this to happen..but it just..does. It just has become a natural transition. People drift, move, have adventures of their own..live their lives. It's then that I realize how little we actually had in common..and our relationship..our friendship..was based largely on circumstances. We knew the same people and did the same things..we were having similar experiences..so we could relate and co-exist. And during this time in our lives..it was helpful to have these people, these similar beings who were able to commiserate and understand and be a part of your life.

But then I look at the people that I stay in touch with from those times..and I look around me at the people who I keep. And suddenly, as I get older, I see this wonderful group of amazing individuals who I truly have something in common with. With each new life experience I gain new people and new resources in my life..but I still keep the most important ones with me. Those 'friends for life'..who even if you don't talk to every minute of every day..even if they don't know all of the minute details of your life..they still know the big things. And more importantly, you know that no matter what..they'll always be there with a smile, a hug and a helping hand no matter the circumstances...

It's rather comforting to realize that I've created this entire support network of amazing people who I love to death..it's not huge..it's not fancy..but they love me for me..and will always be there for me..no matter what.

I guess that's what they really are..my no matter what friends. They're the ones that have been there through it all..the good, the bad, the ugly. The random, the funny..the tears and the smiles. The ones who you can sit with for hours talking..never running out of things to talk about with..and even when you're too exhausted to talk anymore..the mere presence of their being is comforting. When it all comes down to it..they're the glue that holds everything together..and really..who doesn't love some good glue?

March Fools?

2008-03-25T18:14:00.006-04:00

Todays Forcast Is: More Disgusting Snow.

I'm pretty sure that what has happened is that mother nature thinks that she's one funny lady...and is playing around with our heads.

If you listen closely..I'm sure that you can even hear the faint sounds of her laughter as yet again, the lovely little place I like to call home is bombarded with snow, snow and MORE SNOW. HORRAY! I heard this morning that we were supposed a little bit of snow..and after the last few weeks of sunshine and SORT OF rising temperatures..I had just assumed (foolishly, I know) that we'd seen the last of our snowfall for the year and that spring was on its way.

Turns out I was completely wrong.

We're now being pummeled with a 'severe winter storm' (Uhh..HELLO! It's now spring! How can we have a winter storm in spring?! Not allowed! Therefore, please remove the current snowfall and all of the cold and gross that goes with it..effective immeadiately.) It's just an absolutely disgusting mess of white and blah outside...It's depressing and I just want warmth and other spring loveliness. I just REALLY do.

I'm tired of winter..for real! It's so cold and blah and is wearing me down..I just really want it to be OVER! It keeps coming back though..that's the WORST part! You think that it's going to end..and then..nope..hey winter..you're still kicking..ugh.

I don't even know what to say about it anymore..Mother nature has apparantly decided to leave us with an early 'April Fools' joke..which quite frankly...isn't very funny...At least I'm not laughing.

Photos Photos Everywhere..

2008-03-24T11:28:00.002-04:00

I'm not very good at photography..but it's something that I love. I really want to get better at it..and am actually thinking about taking a class. Once I have some money doing a grownup job..the plan is to buy a real camera and learn how to use it..these point and shoot things get the job done..but not well.

So anyways, that's my precurser to this post.

The object of the game is to comment with one or a few things you'd like to see pictures of from my life..it can be basically anything*...my favourite this or that...what my wallet looks like..where I spend most of my time...WHATEVER...and then I'll do my best to write a little blurb and post some pictures of said things :)

So here's what you do:

1) Click on Comments
2) Post new comment with something(s) you'd like to see from my world
3) Wait for me to post pictures of said things!

Simple right? Now go!

*there will be a few limits...but not many!

Gotcha!

2008-03-23T18:27:00.005-04:00

So on account of the lovely Miss. Shop Girl briefly mentioning analytics stuff..I decided to be creative and create my own account! I was curious if anyone actually read this little dusty old corner..and if so..who!

I didn't think that many did..and was pretty sure that I knew exactly who did..turns out..I'm completely wrong.

Turns out that there are quite a few little lurkers of this dusty little corner of nowhere! Thanks to the lovely powers of the internet..I can seee youu! Okay. So not really. But I can KIND OF see you. I know that you're there and can see a little bit of random information about how long you're sitting here lurking and stuff. (Rather creepericious if you want my honest opinion!)

Despite being quite general and never really revealing (I don't think?) in my posts here thus far..I find this information quite...startling..for different reasons. The first being that I cannot fathom who would be interested in the dribble I write..The second being that this is the first time in a long time that I've allowed a blog to be publically accessed and have given up all control and power..so I don't know who is reading it. And that is actually quite..scary. I like to know who is reading about my life and why they're reading about my life. I actually thought that it would bother me more that I don't have such control and that I don't know exactly who is reading..but when it boils down to it..it doesn't really bother me that much.

But still, curiousity got the cat. And I am indeed a cat. A curious one at that! I'm beyond interested to know who is sitting on their computer reading about *my* boring old life! So show yourself! I dare you to! Even if it is anonymously! :P

PS - As I was told 34719847398432948239329* times by small children in the past few days...'Hoppy Easter!!!'

*may be a slight exageration

Secret Love Affair..

2008-03-22T22:10:00.005-04:00

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on slash, favorite type of underwear, writing techniques etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

Shop Girl* Said: I challenge you to write about something that you secretly love but don't normally admit to other people.

This one is hard for me..harder than most people would ever think..because most things that I secretly love..I secretly love them for a reason! At first I thought about sharing my random love for certain objects..or this or that or the other thing..but then today, it came to me what I secretly love, probably the most out of anything.

I think that my secret love affair is something that most people love as well..but at times, I've found myself rather obsessed with this...it's rather simplistic when it comes down to it...

Ever since I was a small child I've always found myself wanting to please people. It's what I do. I go out of my way to try and accomplish this..I compromise many things to do this..I spend hours of my own time doing things for other people..I do things when I don't have the time, money or resources to do those things..and I do it all because I love the praise and any sort of positive reinforcement I get. That's my secret...Basically is what it comes down to is that I don't really care about any emotional/physical/monetary pain..as long as I have that little reward of someone telling me that I've done a good job or that they're proud of me or can give me some sort of encouragement. In fact, I thrive upon this.

It's odd to be sitting here trying to write this..because I like to pretend that I don't need this..and even reading this..you may not think that it's that big of a deal..everyone LIKES positive feedback..who wouldn't?! But really, to me, it's rather like an addiction. I don't just like positive feedback..it doesn't just make me feel good about things..I love positive feedback...I NEED it. It's not just that I want it..I actually get quite out of sorts without it..which again, I know, sounds ridiculous..but hey, it's me we're talking about here.

It's frustrating as well..because I know a lot of people who are able to give themselves their own little version of positive feedback..people who can tell themselves that they're doing a good job..and don't rely on other people to feed their ego. Unfortunately though, I'm not one of those people. I find it difficult to find things that I like about my own performance and my actually rate my own ability to do things, so instead I rely on others to rate my abilities...and rely almost entirely on those. If someone asks me to list the positives and negatives about something I've done or about myself..I can give you entire books about the negatives. I could go on forever..but ask me to think of just one positive..and I'm speechless. My mind is literally blank. It's taken me years to be able to accept any form of a compliment, and even then..they still make me anxious and uneasy...I don't know how to react or behave because I never feel as though I live up to what anyone else is saying about me..but still..I need it..and will replay it over and over and over again in my head..gaining some sort of internal satisfaction from a simple little phrase, note or comment.

If I get a really good paper back, or a good review from a supervisor..that paper can keep me going for days, weeks and months. I still have reviews from advisers just pointing out my abilities in my field and my strengths and those things stashed away..and whenever I'm feeling down and low, I pull out those things and read the comments in hopes that there is some truth in them. I will read the over and over and over again..analyzing every line and ever word..looking for everything that helps me to feel as though I can actually be successful and accomplish something.

But then, if there is anything negative (even just slightly) combined within this, the scale slides entirely to the negative spectrum. Virtually anything that is said that is negative when mixed in with the positive, has the ability to change everything that has been said into a negative attribute (at least in my own mind...). If you were to write three pages of good things about me, and one thing that was negative, I would focus entirely on the negative and any positive would be dismissed and considered effectively null and void. I don't know why exactly I do this..or when exactly it started..but I know it has gone on for years. I pick up on the negative things much more quickly, and will exaggerate and extrapolate them to the extreme at times.

I know that I do this, and yet, I cannot manage to find a way to stop myself. I wish I knew how to be able to believe in myself and what I do..I wish that I could rely simply on knowing and feeling as though I've done something good and meaningful instead of having to have someone else tell me so..

The only thing that keeps me from loosing at times is that ever constant reward and desire for praise to boost my feelings of confidence and self worth.

It really can (and does) make all of the difference if someone says to me 'good job, I like the way you ____' compared to if they just nod and say 'it's fine' or worse yet, say nothing at all.

So that's my little secret of something that I love but haven't admitted. It's probably unlike what was expected when this question was asked..but it was the thing that I felt would probably give any or all readers of this little bit of cyberspace a glimpse into the depth of this anonymous girl.

So there you have it, I love praise and encouragement..a lot. Probably more than most people would have ever guessed, even more than my closest friends would guess...I doubt even anyone who is reading this understands the depth to which I rely upon something so difficult to pinpoint. I like to pretend that it doesn't bother me when things are overlooked and I often pretend that it doesn't matter if someone just brushes of something that I've done....But the truth is..meltdowns over feelings of self worth, self doubt and other general inadequacies happen far too often behind closed doors...but I'm working on it.

Cold Spring Days..

2008-03-21T18:10:00.004-04:00

I had really began to believe that spring was on its way..

The weather was getting warmer..the snow was melting..and slowly but surely the sounds of spring were upon us. The lovely sound of snow melting, the smell of the fresh crisp springtime air and the odd sound of a bird or two brave enough to come back to the first signs of spring..

Last weekend I was outside for two entire days..from 8 in the morning until 5 at night..and I didn't even bother with a coat..for the weather was just that nice.

And then I was hoping that this weekend would be the same. Alas..When I stepped outside my door this morning to get my day started...I realized how wrong I was about spring being here..and quickly ran back inside to grab long johns, another sweater AND my coat.

It's now been well over an hour since I've made my way back inside..but the core of my being still feels as though it's frozen solid. I guess spring isn't really here afterall...which is rather discouraging..I'm longing to put away my winter coat and say good riddence to it..I've had enough with winter! Bring on the nice weather and take away all of this blasted snow!

Despite the rain this week..there is still so much snow here. In places the snow is still up well past my knees..but in most others it's settled and melted below my knees. But still..I've had about enough! I'm ready for something warmer! I need a change that does not involve snow and cold and wind..which is where the lovely springtime weather (including all of that fun mud and muck!) comes into play...

Today would have been an absolutely lovely spring day..except for the fact that the wind was so utterly cold and bitter. I need to slather my poor hands in cream as the wind just absolutely took a beating on them..

On the upside..I now have reason to go be lazy and have the warmest of warm showers and cuddle up in a million blankets with some sort of reading material..horray! :)

Long Overdue Babble

2008-03-20T21:31:00.004-04:00

Okay, okay.

So I know it's been a while..ugh! I'm awful at keeping up when things get busy..Despite reading..that's about all that I can keep up with..I want to comment on entries and have things to say..and then I just sit at the computer and think to myself.."wow..I'm really tired..I think that I'll just sit here and be a zombie"...so thus..I do. I feel awful because I know that there are a lot of people who I want to communicate with..but I've just been so exhausted..and now I'm out of the house from 8am-5pm (minimum) everyday..so by the time I get home, get all of the stuff done that needs to be done, make a lunch for the next day, shower and whatever..I don't really feel like doing much of anything else! I need to find a way to get more energy because I'm just DRAINED right now. I feel like I haven't had a proper 'break' in a really long time..and despite having time off..I haven't really had time to just 'relax' and do NOTHING..at least not without feeling guilty...which isn't much time off at all!

So let's try to recap the week with some highlights:

* Small children are hilarious and wonderful and they make me smile..all of the time.
* I made homemade lasagne which I hadn't made for a LONG time (both a meat/tomatoe & a veggie/cheese)..and it actually turned out well! I brought it to an event and everyone loved it!
* I almost had a heart attack when I thought that a MAJOR MAJOR assignment was due next week..turns out it's due next MONTH. Whew!
* Marks are up..and I did well. I'm happy..and that's all that matters.
* I'm worried about next year and what I'm going to do and how that's going to go..I just really don't know what is going to happen..and I'm so tired of thinking about it that I've just stopped.
* It's the long weekend and I have to work three of the four days..EWW!
* I went to a meeting today..and sat there yawning the entire time (and feeling guilty for yawning because it is a very important topic..) because I am just REALLY tired

Let's see what else happened..I went out to dinner with some girls from school tonight..and it was..lovely.

I had a drink called a 'Manilla Sunset' (doesn't it just SOUND like paradise!?) and ordered a crazy fun thai dish..(isn't it odd how I ordered thai food at a thai restaurant..duh!) It was generally just lovely company and lovely food..and I enjoyed myself throughly. I really need to spend more time like that just enjoying the moment and really living..because it's just not worth it otherwise...I get so caught up saying that I'm too tired and that I'll go next time and making these dumbass excuses..and then I miss out on things..and I never get anywhere..and I just really need to seize the day.

I'm generally just fed up with myself right now..I don't feel like I'm doing the best I can do at anything right now..and have been having these flashes of self doubt and frustration and I just want to curl into a ball and sleep. Between going away this winter (which, don't get my wrong, was lovely and amazing and one of the best things EVER) and then working while going to school and having opportunities to work in the field..it's just been a draining year. I feel zapped. Zapped of energy, zapped of emotion, zapped of creativity. I just need to go somewhere and refresh..I need to recharge my batteries and spend a week (nay, a month) getting massages and sleeping..instead of worrying and being frustrated and whatever..Or I just need to find a way to fix that on my own without those things..

Right now I'm just counting down the days..hoping that the feelings of inadequacy disappear with time..I hate self doubt..it's definitely one of my biggest downfalls.

Okay, I'd better get to bed fairly soon..I'm working the next three days..so I'm going to be DEAD come Monday..it's a good thing that I have the day off or I'd most likely go INSANE.

Hope all is well in journal land..♥!

Take all of your so called problems...

2008-03-15T20:31:00.006-04:00

I've always been an emotional person...that's just the way that I am. I cry at happy things..I cry at sad things..I cry at funny things..I'm a crier. That's just the way that I am. I get upset over things that are happening around me personally and I can get just as upset over things that I read about in the news or things that I see on TV. If something is really happy and exciting I can cry because it's so amazing and wonderful for someone. If something is sad and awful..I'll cry as though their pain is my own. I've always been like this..and always get emotional whenever someone else around me is going through something rough..because I hate to see anyone in any sort of pain.

Then take the issue of death. It's a scary thing. It's a sad thing. The unknown..the unfamiliar..the uncertainty.

It's one of those things that I hate it, a lot. But then, who actually likes it?

Throughout my years growing up I've seen more people's lives than I would ever like to imagine been cut far too short. (In my own humble opinion..) And it breaks my heart to think about people who are so young dying..it just seems so unfair that someones life can end so quickly and so early..and I just don't understand why.

The worst part for me is funerals..I prefer to live in my own little world where bad things don't happen and I don't have to deal with the fact that people I know and love die. I repress all of those emotions until I don't feel them anymore..and then I push the fact that they're gone out of my mind until it's as if they've just moved away and I've lost their phone number. A lost contact instead of a lost soul I guess you could say. Instead of dealing with the heart wrenching pain and turning into the emotional girl who can't handle life, I just push down deeper and deeper..constantly repressing and constantly attempting to forget. I don't like dealing with death because then I have to face the fact that these people will never be a part of my life anymore..and that's just not the way I want things to do..so I avoid it. I hate going to funerals..they always just seem to be so depressing that I end up loosing it...and this is when I'm not very close with the departed soul. At funerals of people that I am close with..it's beyond awful. It's as if I'm in a trance and just going through the emotions..barely surviving..somehow managing to go through the motions. I'm really awful for forgetting people have died..I will see someone who looks like a person..or be listening to a song or read something that I know they would have loved..and pick up the phone or go to write them an email..and then suddenly realize that they really are gone..and it's back to the repression where I suddenly have realized that my emotions have managed to escape and I need to push them away again..but these realizations always hit me hard..and it seems as though my grieving process is very long and drawn out..but I guess it works for me...or even if it doesn't work for me..that's just how I am.

I went to a small town high school..everyone knew everyone. Even if you weren't 'close' friends with someone..you usually ended up at the same parties or at the same events or knew people who knew people or had classes together. Everyone ALWAYS knew everyone elses business..It's kind of nice some times with small towns because you do have that sense of community. But is common in these small towns..when something bad happens..you always know within mere hours...When a good friends brother died a few summers ago..we heard only hours after..before they had even found his body...news travels fast in small towns. And I can remember sitting there with my friends..crying on the kitchen floor as the news of yet another friend gone, another child without his father, lost. Throughout my years spending time at this school, there were always more deaths than teenagers should ever have to deal with. Car accidents after a weekend where there was a big party were (unfortunately..) not uncommon. Teenagers have this surreal view that they are infallible and that they can somehow beat the odds..even after years and years of proof that they can't beat those odds.. and too many are still under the belief that they will.

Each year that I was in high school there were at least a few car accidents a year. either from teenagers making foolish mistakes or from driving when they shouldn't have been. Driving too fast or making turns when they weren't really safe to do so..those sorts of things seem to be all too common. And then there are the completely different realm of accidents..the accidents after the big 'field party' that would always leave a car full of teenagers with various injuries lying in hospital beds..and 99% of the time would leave one unlucky teen in the hospital morgue. Far too many people from that high school died because of drinking and driving..so many that it almost became normalized. It makes me cringe to even write that..but unfortunately, it's true. Whenever I hear of another death, my first thought is always that they or the person they were driving with had been drinking..and this was the cause of yet another death. Hearing that someone else had been in a drinking and driving accident always has left a sour taste in my mouth..and I've always been adamant that I would never drink and drive..too many lives cut short to take that gamble. I will sometimes drive after having one drink or a glass or wine with dinner...but I've only done this a couple times in the years since I've had my licence and been old enough to legally drink..and this usually fell where there were hours in between the drink and the drive or with a full meal or when I knew that my driving abilities could never be called into question. As much as I will go out and drink and 'have a good time'..I know my limits and if there is the slightest doubt in my mind that my abilities would even be slightly altered or impaired, I refuse to drive. I call a cab, I call a friend, my parents, I stay over night, I do WHATEVER. I've lost too many friends and acquaintances over the years from their own stupidity or the stupidity of others on the road to ever take that chance.

The memory of the first friend I lost from a drunk driver is ingrained still in my memory. It's been almost 20 years and I still can remember her as clearly as ever. She was killed when we were only just three, and I still remember her laugh, her smile and I still remember the day my parents told me that she had died. I didn't understand death then, and I didn't realize until years later that it was a drunk driver who was responsible for her death, but the memory of the pain and the taste of the tears falling down my face as I came to the realization that she would never be able to play with me again have never left me. The feeling of the warm sunshine rays beating down on my back as I lay on the couch sobbing at the loss of my best friend at such a young age will stay with me forever.

Anyways though, it is sad that it has become so normalized that, yes, even though it shocks and saddens me greatly, I come to accept this form of death a lot easier than I would ever think should be acceptable. Friends, friends of, siblings of, and a multitude of other acquaintances have been lost over the years. It makes my heart hurt just thinking about all of the wonderful people, the lost lives, the lives of parents, siblings and children that are changed forever because of someones decision to drink and drive..

And then word comes. Another high school alum has also passed away.

This time though, it was expected. It had been coming for years and despite his best intentions, everyone knew.

I had heard word through the small town grapevine and other 'gossip' sources that he wasn't doing well and that his battle was harder than ever...but I still didn't expect that it would come to a close so quickly.

I wasn't close to him by any means. We went to elementary school together and since we were in a small town where there was only one grade of each class, we were always in the same class. In middle school we had some classes together, and others not. At this age, we knew who the other was, but were never by any means close. High school was the same as middle school, he had his group of friends and I had mine..we never really interacted because we just ran in different circles.

He was the ultimate jock. On every sports team known to man.

I was the shy yearbook editor, the VP of our Amnesty Int. chapter and the school council gopher.

By all means, complete opposites.

We had no real reason to interact and besides brief mentionings between friends in the past years, I knew little of his current life. But still..I couldn't help but weep when I heard of his death. Just the fact that someones life is cut so short, and by something completely out of his control, was something that struck me harder than I thought it would. Even though I knew it was coming...the fact that his mother, his brother, his friends and other family are left behind with only memories of the man he was..tugs at my heart.

Perhaps it's a sign that times are changing when such young peoples lives are cut so short by the power of something which really, is out of the control of most, if not all. I feel old as people I know, who are my own age, are dying from diseases instead of accidents. It just seems even ore unsettling that people my age are dying by no fault of their own than the lives are cut short by their own drunk driving. I don't like to think that people are so powerless, that we have so little control. It's terrifying to think that life can end so quickly without a second thought. It's also terrifying to realize that I can have days where I walk around in a daze and just..waste that entire day. I'll never get that day back..and there are so many people who never get the chance for that day. I waste so much time and energy being miserable and upset and it just isn't worth it. Even if life sucks, even if I'm stressed, even if I feel as though I hate the cards I was dealt..I need to remember that I have had better card than others. I have parents who are still married and in love after what is closing in on 40 years. I have a good education. I live in a country that allows me the freedom of speech and the ability to make my own decisions. I'm healthy...I've never been REALLY sick, nor have I had to suffer. I have friends who I love and who love me. I've had the opportunity to travel, and will have many more opportunities to travel more. I have money in the bank. I have a job..and I don't ever foresee a time when I wouldn't. I have a nice house to live in..and will always have somewhere to go when I don't know where to go next. I have access to all of the things that I've ever needed..and have never gone without. Whenever there was something that I needed, it was there. If there was something that I wanted..it was likely there as well. I'd be willing to guess that I'm luckier than at least 98% of the population.

..And yet at times I still get discouraged and upset and miserable. And really, what right do I have to be? It's like I'm playing poker..and I've been dealt a full house..yet I'm greedy and really just wanted four of a kind with an ace high, instead of just being content to accept my already wonderful hand.

I guess the point I'm trying to make with this long rambling non-sensical post is that life really is short. That you really do need to take advantage of every single moment because you never know when the game will be over. You need to take each day, each hour, each minute, each second..and appreciate it..whatever it is. Find the best in it..and take it for all that it's worth.

And suddenly..the song that plays randomly as I sit here hits close to home. And as I sit here smiling at the irony of it all...as the tears drop onto my keyboard on this dark Saturday evening...I realize that this is what I'll leave this post with.

So there you have it folks. Saturday night ramblings from a small town country girl.

Take out of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walkin like a one man army
Fightin with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end its better to say too much
Than to never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Why?
Say what you need to say..

Time Warp

2008-03-14T17:16:00.002-04:00

Isn't it funny how sometimes music holds such a powerful hold over us?

I have memories from years past tucked away into random places of my head..and I can forget about them completely..and then an old song will come on the radio and I will immediately be transported to a time and place much different than the present.

Instead of sitting in my old broken red computer chair I'm standing at that middle school dance, or sitting in the backseat of my best friends car the summer she got her lisence, or even just sitting in my best friends room when we lived in residence. It's amazing how music is such an integral part of our lives that we associate certain bits and pieces of it with memories, with bits of time.

Current songs that are playing time warp with my head: Semi-Charmed Kinda Life & Ironic

Blog-a-ricious

2008-03-14T16:39:00.005-04:00

I've been in a blogging slump for the past few days..just generally feeling a little blah. I'll use a scapegoat and blame it on the winter blues and being overworked.

Anyways. A fellow blogging friend posted this..and I thought that I'd play along. Feel free to leave a comment anonymously if anyone out there stumbles across this :)

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on slash, favorite type of underwear, writing techniques etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

Friends?

2008-03-11T22:12:00.001-04:00

If anyone wants me to read their blog and I'm unaware of it currently..let me know because I'm always interested in reading about peoples lives and like to randomly leave long rambly comments :)

A Generation In Crisis...Too Little Too Late?

2008-03-11T19:45:00.004-04:00

Disclaimer - This is not intended to attack people of my generation..but seriously..look around you and open your eyes..make sure you're a part of the solution..instead of the problem.

Do you ever have days where you just don't GET people? Or weeks where you're just like..I think that people have taken every single one of my pet peeves and are slowly checking off their list to ensure that they do them all just to tick me off as fully as humanly possible! It just seems as though every time I turn around this week I'm irritated by someone doing something that I just don't understand. I hate not understanding peoples logic for doing something or for behaving a certain way. It's beyond frustrating to watch over and over again.

I think that a lot of my frustration stems from my generation. There is a severe crisis in my generation and no one can fix it. Not that anyone is even brave enough to try. I doubt at this point that it could be fixed even if someone dared to try. There are a lot of things about my generation that I like...it's obviously not all bad! There are definitely things that I couldn't imagine living without but, I'm convinced most of the time that I was born in a completely wrong era. I just cannot handle the way that people insist on behaving..I just don't GET it. The vast majority of the time I see people my own age and I sit there and cringe and look away in embarrassment for belonging to the same 'group' as them.

I just really don't get this work ethic that my generation has. You know the one I'm talking about..the one where people think that they can do as little work possible and reap the most reward possible. We're obsessed with the quick fixes where everything comes easy and if it doesn't it can be bought for a cheaper price somewhere else anyways. My generation doesn't actually want to DO anything..they just want everything handed to them. Plain and simple..we're spoiled. At least the vast majority of us are..and even if we were not spoiled in the typical sense by our parents growing up...most people still have such a horrible work ethic ingrained in them that is the spoiled I'm talking about. People don't want to do anything that actually requires effort or any form of work...or any responsibility! That would just be asking far too much!

Basically what it comes down to is that people are lazy. Why do something when you don't have to? Why put effort into anything? Why bother doing anything that doesn't HAVE to be done and goes above and beyond what is expected? That would just be absurd!

And to go even further..why would anyone ever bother to have consideration for the people around them?! That's just crazy talk..I can hear you thinking that as you read this! Why would you ever think about the ripple effects your actions have on someone else?! As long as #1 is taken care of..that's all that matters..right?

It just blows my mind that (basically, with a few exceptions..and even then..) an entire generation of people have this self serving attitude that they're so much better than anyone else and deserve special treatment and shouldn't have to actually do anything to get the things they want out of life. I'm not even talking about people who are typically wealthy or come from a background of having a lot of things..I'm talking about 99% of my generation. Let's call in sick because I want to dick off and do nothing..I'll show up 2 seconds before my shift starts at work...Instead of growing balls and calling to say I've quit I'll just screen my calls and not show up until they clue in...(I've seen it happen so many times..so you can't even pretend that it doesn't happen!) There is just so much shit that goes on that I cannot believe that people pull...and it's become socially acceptable! How has that even happened!? How is our society ever going to function with a generation that's so incredibly lazy and irresponsible?!

I'm rather afraid for the future..I can see it now..an entire generation lying on the couch calling in to work sick and then wondering why suddenly the entire economy and all of their money has disappeared.

I need to go back to a time where people actually cared and were invested in their work and their lives...I feel like that's missing from my life..and as much as I try to personally put this into my work/school/LIFE..it's rather draining when you're one of the few who is actually attempting to do this. I just feel like people have learned all of these horrendous habits and don't have an actual work ethic behind them anymore..they just want that quick fix that our society is so focused upon so that they can do what makes them happy. Newsflash..life isn't always happiness, sunshine and rainbows! I know it comes as a surprise..but things don't always go the way you want them to just because you want them to. Just because you want to be a certain way and be rolling in the big bucks without ever leaving the comfort of your own bed doesn't mean that that's the way it will be..or even the way life SHOULD be. Life is hardwork and it takes a lot to be a contributing meaningful member of society...and to be quite honest..I don't think that most youth actually give a damn about even trying to do anything but making money. It's a really pathetic a total and complete reflection of the way that these generations are being taught how to behave. The morals and values that I feel like I have in regards to work and doing things just don't seem to be as present as they were in previous generations..and it's really disheartening to think about.

But really, why would they bother? As long as they can go on nice warm vacations, buy their fancy new electronics and STILL manage to bitch about how their minimum wage job doesn't pay nearly enough for them to sit on their asses and complain about how they're not being paid enough (probably while they're at work..not doing what they SHOULD be doing.) Then really why does it matter? Why bother? Why put in any sort of effort!?

Now I understand that SOME people DO all of their work and then are waiting around for more work and HAVE free time at work..but in all likelihood..that probably exists for such a small portion of people that it's relatively irrelevant. I'm not trying to pinpoint anyone in particular or say that you're bad if you do any of these things...I'm guilty of a few of them as well..I'm definitely no saint! But just think about it..how frustrating would it be if YOU were paying someone to do a job for YOU..and instead of doing the job they decided to play online games or chat on the phone 24/7 to their friends or just NOT show up for work because they were too hungover or just plum didn't feel like it..ugh!

Sorry for the bitterness..it's just been one of those days where I resent being associated with people my own age because of peoples inability to think, pure laziness and general stupidity.

Growing Up..

2008-03-10T23:50:00.004-04:00

I love thinking..I really do..but sometimes I just really would like if my mind came with an 'off' switch. Sometimes I just want to turn off my mind without feeling guilty and just be able to not worry and think about what is to come..

It's hard because I love the fact that I have so many options and ideas in regards to my life right now...it's nice that I'm not restricted or tied down or whatever..

But at the same time..I hate thinking about the future and what it will hold. I hate the fact that things could go in so many different directions because I have no idea what to expect. It's as if I'm going to the airport without a destination in mind..do I pack beach clothes or skis? My entire life awaits me..yet I have no idea where to go or what to do.

It's frustrating to be sitting here wanting to many things..and having no idea what path to take or how to get there..

I think that we all feel like this at one point or another..I think that everyone goes through this eventually..it's a part of growing up..but it doesn't make it suck any less.

Snow & Sightings

2008-03-09T18:04:00.004-04:00

It seems that the last few days have been far too busy for my liking..I would have prefered to stay indoors during the outrageous joke mother nature has decided to call weather and dump upon us, but alas..I always seemed to be braving the elements for one thing or another.

The last few days have been filled with interesting souls coming here and coming there..and since I'm typically a people watcher by nature, I (as I always do when there are people to watch around) enjoyed myself.

Let's recap with a couple of my favourite recent people sightings:

(Please note that recent people sightings may but most likely do not include your favourite celebrities as I live in the middle of nowhere..despite this though..they still made me smile!)

1) The first takes us to the joys of public transit. People on regular public transit (not student public transit like I'm use to) are typically not very exciting...at least I don't find them to be. Most are sitting by themselves keeping quiet and thinking, reflecting or sleeping. Their thoughts are filled with the days behind them and the days to come...nothing rather enjoyable..just boring old life. There is little excitement in getting from one place to another by most adults..but that's when I look around for the child nearby..because they will always be the most amusing for me to watch. Yesterday it was a mother with her daughter who were traveling to see a show/production/etc. of sorts..what I'm not exactly sure..but that is beyond the point. The little girl was cute..probably around 6 or 7. And she was so excited that she could not keep still. It was as if she ACTUALLY had ants in her pants. Every two seconds she would jump up and ask if they were there yet, or ask where we were now or she would just generally bounce around making up words of her own smiling and giggling the entire time we were moving. It was a rather cute display of excitment and it reminded me of being excited and happy and just generally content with life..instead of feeling as though I had to rush from one place to another and not stop to enjoy the little things or just be excited about the destination. I think that we as adults forget that as we get older..we forget how to really have fun and enjoy ourselves and how to let go of all of our problems and all of our daily stress and just be excited about the little things and think about the destination in mind.

2) My second people watching incident took place outside this time. It was on a quiet sidestreet where there are few people and fewer cars. The houses are modest and the neighbourhood is typically elderly or students..as seems to be the case for the vast majority of this little town. As I was standing there, I saw a young man with a young little girl walking down the street. The little girl was quite little (probably around two at the most) and was wearing the most adoreable brown and pink snowsuit. Because she was so bundled up she actually looked like a starfish. I stiffled a chuckle as I watched her wobble down the street, the layers of her clothing so packed on that she could hardle manage to move. As she continued to walk along side what I will presume is her Dad..I watched her look up at him and say something..and then in a matter of seconds she flopped down from her standing position on the sidewalk to sitting in the snowbank beside her. I chuckled to myself and thought that she must have been tired from walking..and was sort of half watching to see if her father would pick her up and start to carry her. But before I could even finish thinking this thought, she had flopped again onto her back, with her legs straight out. She slowly started to move her arms and then abruptly stopped and stuck out her arms asking to be pulled out of the snowbank. She turned around and looked at her impromtu snow angel, giggled and clapped her mitten covered hands in joy and stared up at her Dad with this 'Daddy's little girl' smile on her face.

So I expected them to move on and continue to walk..but the little girl was so enthralled that she had been able to make a snow angel that she walked two steps, stopped and repeated the process...but this time was the kicker..instead of just watching..the Dad also dropped into the snowbank (someone elses front lawn!) and started to make his OWN snow angel. The little girl giggled with excitement and together they made snowangels randomly as they continued to walk down the street.

It was an absolutely adoreable little exchange to watch..and was completely refreshing to think that maybe, just maybe, our generation still has some precious gems in it. People that aren't afraid to giggle with their children and get snowy and wet to connect with and play with the kids around them. I will always remember that look on the little girls face having her Daddy wrapped around her little finger..the love and the joy from being able to spend those few precious moments with just the two of them..being free and happy..I'm sure that she won't remember that exact moment when she grows up..she was so young that I would really doubt that she would..but I have no doubt that she'll have years of happy memories similar to this one made because someone took the time out to just love her for no other reason then the fact that she is who she is..

In general guys with children make my heart melt. Actually. I see them..and then suddenly it's as though nothing else in the entire world matters and all I can hear is the 'tha thump, tha thump' of my maternal clock beating a million miles a minute and I'm like 'Must. Resist. Urge. To. Have. Children. Right. Now.' It was just too cute for words..and made my heart into an actual puddle..just lying there in the middle of the street. Now if only said cuteness could melt all of this ridiculous snow away..then I would REALLY be a happy girl.

Bring On The Anonymity!

2008-03-07T09:21:00.000-05:00

I just realized that I had my comment settings set to not allow anonymous comments.

The irony of having an anonymous journal without allowing people for themselves to be anonymous if they so chose to be was quite ridiculous to my little mind and I found myself chuckling in my sleep deprived state and then quickly changing it.

So if for some bizarre reason there are people who are reading this (and I very highly doubt that there are..but stranger things have happened..) then you now have the freedom to post anonymously and hide behind the internet as I have so far chosen to do!

I actually highly suggest that route! It's a rather ridiculous bout of fun :)

I'm A Young Soul In This Very Strange World..

2008-03-07T00:17:00.000-05:00

Do you ever get really fixated on a song? Like, REALLY fixated? And not even on like, necessarily really great, amazing music..but just some random song?

Because I do. ALL OF THE FREAKIN' TIME.

I try not to because I know that it has a tendency to drive everyone in this house insane, but I really can't help it. It's like this bizarre compulsion to listen to a song over and over and OVER again until I feel guilty about making everyone else hear it so often that I put on my headphones and pretend to be listening to something else..

I don't know what it is..but I just get STUCK on songs sometimes and I really just want to listen to certain songs over and over again.

I know that people have a tendency to do this, but I feel like I'm a pretty severe case. It's not like I'll just put it in a playlist or listen to it three or four times..but I'm talking about listening to it over and over again for hours. For days upon days and hours upon hours. It's weird, I know.

It's like my brain just gets to the point where it just wants to listen to a song over and over again and doesn't want to hear anything else. Nothing about work, nothing about school, just a song..over and over again. And it's not that I don't listen to lots of different songs..but usually I'll just put the particular song that I'm currently obsessed with (for no apparant reason, mind you) on repeat and listen to it the entire time I'm on the computer..

Anyway, I'm going to continue to just sit here listening to the song that I've been listening to for the last little while..I'm about to make a switch I feel..I've been sneaking in little listens of another song for the last day or two..

I'm quite exhausted as I've gotten very little sleep this week. And I have a busy weekend ahead of me! So I guess I should head to the comfort that is my bed..if only to cuddle up with my book..mmmm..reading for pleasure..how I love thee!

I promise more interesting and exciting and witty posts at a later date. Maybe.

Remember The Days..

2008-03-05T08:18:00.000-05:00

Remember the days when snowdays were so infrequent that they were truly something that were cherished and anticipated? As the radio stations announce the fact that virtually all buses are cancelled I look outside and wonder why. Yes, there is snow on the ground. But yes, I also live in Canada! We're the typical stereotype for snow and cancelling the buses every other day is like admiting that we can't even handle a little bit of the wet fluffy stuff! Granted, there are days when buses should be cancelled, but other days it seems to be a lot of hype and a lot of undue paranoia.

I can remember sitting at the window as a child, watching those perfect little snowflakes drift to the ground with wonder in my eyes. Not wonder at their magical beauty, but wonder that they could give me an unscheduled day of freedom in the morning if enough of them collected unexpectedly.

In my younger days I woke up more often than not to my parents saying "It's time to get out of bed for school.." when there was a heavy snowfall the night before..Very rarely did I wake up and look at my alarm clock and jump out of bed to put my feet on the cold floor only to discover that there was TOO much snow to go to school that day and it was perfectly okay that I had slept in!

But let me tell you, when that DID happen, it wasn't taken lightly. Over breakfast we'd discuss our plans for the day. Snowforts, snowmen, snowball fights, skiing, tobagganing and other general snow activities were our always our top choices and it was not uncommon for us (sometimes along with nearby kids) to spend the entire day out in the wet snow until we were completely exhausted with rosy pink cheeks and that sparkle in your eye that only fresh air can give you. We'd spend hours perfecting snowforts and dragging out all sorts of 'tools' from the garage and house to aid us with our building techniques. We could spend even more of these wonderful hours making up our own little worlds in these places, school being the farthest thing from our minds. After a long day in the fresh air we'd come inside to hot chocolate and other random snowday activites. In our younger days I can remember finding an empty box that transported into a spaceship, a canoe and houseboat. All to provide us grand adventures in the span of mere minutes. The imaginations we had ran wild and we were completely satisfied to let them take over our minds and fully enjoy our newfound freedom. There was just something so exciting about having an entire day where you couldn't go anywhere and nothing needed to be done..you were simply allowed to BE..with no restrictions or obligations looming over your head.

For certain members of my family, the best part of a snowday was if they power went out. Especially if they power went out at night before the dreaded bedtime. When this happened we always dragged candles out and lit them until the house basked in the glowing light that only candles can give off. It was then that we'd pull out boardgames and over the dining room table would play games for hours together as a family. No distractions, no electronics, nothing that could hinder the fun and adventures. There was something magical about knowing that you couldn't just go and do something else, there was nothing else to do. You were granted the time to spend with your family without feeling like there was something else that you wanted to do or had to do and you could just truly enjoy each others company. That feeling is one of the nicest memories of my childhood that I have. That pure and utter love and contentment of knowing that when it came down to it, even if you were trapped in the same house and no electricity, you still had each other.

But now, I must run, because even on the days when children are still being given that little bit of paradise called a 'snowday'..adulthood is calling my name and I must go and be a productive member of society. But don't feel sorry for me as this lovely snowday continues without my participation because every now and then during my busy day I'll sneak a memory of past snowdays into my thoughts if for nothing else but to warm my soul.

Another Blog, Another Day

2008-03-04T22:27:00.000-05:00

The internet is a rather funny place.

It can be a terrifying place full of people pretending to be people they're not. There are people who just generally aren't nice people who exist in the wide realm of the cyber world. It is these people who ruin it for those of us who try to be generally nice people who are also floating around out there in the lovely place that is the world wide web.

At the same time though, the internet can be a place where people can really be themselves. They don't need to hide behind insecurities and fears and those pesky little (wonderful) flaws that we all have. It's almost easier to be yourself online under the premise of anonymity (or even partial anonymity) beacuse at the click of a button anyone who you no longer fancy can be rid from your life with little or no consequence.

Now, this isn't to say that you can't be yourself in the 'real world'. Because clearly our society has existed for thousands of years being able to exist without the help of the internet and it's only within the past decade or so that we've had this crazy new source of technology. For some people though.. (myself included) it's a lot easier to be yourself when you don't feel the pressure from outside sources to fit in and 'be cool'. The internet has always been a place where I can just simply be me..and I like that. I can sit in my pj's on a Saturday morning and update about how I don't know what I'm going to do with my life or where I'm going to be in 20 years. I can write about walks in the park or lollipops or whatever else happens to pop into my head. And from there, people have the option to respond or not respond..and it really doesn't matter either way. It's not like having a conversation with people where you're required to follow proper conversation techniques. People are allowed to read at their own pace, re-read, think before they speak and ignore the topic completely if they so desire when participating in blogging, they're not forced to respond immeadiately, or even at all if they so desire. Granted, I do have a lovely group of friends who I couldn't live without and depend on in the real world to listen to me at those times when I do need someone to participate in a real conversation. I have to admit though, there is just something about always having my own seperate online world to run to when the real world becomes too much to handle that is rather comforting and nice.

Now what happens when those two worlds meet though?

Where do we go from there?

It's an interesting thought that has been plaguing my thoughts for the last few hours when I really should have been more productive than I was.

Oh thinking! Always getting in the way when you least expect it to!