Tipsy Turvy

The older I get, the more complicated life seems to get.

Take for instance when I was four. Lifes complications were HUGE to me then, but looking back on them..they were a piece of cake. Sometimes they were quite LITERALLY cake. How exactly do you manage to convince mom that leftover birthday cake IS an acceptable breakfast food? That was a big problem that my four year old mind had to work through. Other big problems involved deciding whether I wanted to play at the sand table OR the water table. Or sometimes the major deli ma's in my life surrounded which colour I wanted to put on my paint brush to create my latest master piece...red, blue or should I REALLY spice things up, mix them together and get a snazzy shade of purple!? Oh the problems of my four year old existence.

Now things seems to get more and more complicated the older I get..and I'm constantly torn between things...and I have no idea even where to start...No matter what I do in my life..I constantly feel as though something else is suffering. If I spend a lot of time with friends..I feel as though I should be spending more time with family..but then I feel as though I don't see my friends enough...and then I'm racked with guilt because I want to spend TONS of time with EVERYONE..but I just can't seem to figure out how to balance everything out. If I'm not working..I feel guilty because there are so many things that NEED to be done..but then if I'm at work I feel as though it would be lovely to just be able to spend some ME time..I feel guilty either way! I have no idea what I'm doing next year..I feel as though I want to just get up, pack up some things and leave..but I feel guilty leaving everyone and everything behind..there are things that are tying me here..which most people have not even the slightest idea what these things mean to me..but yet, they do tie me here..and it's hard to leave them, even if it is only temporarily.

I don't know what to do anymore..I feel as though no matter what I do..something is suffering, something or someone is being let down..and it's starting to wear me down. Life is like a rather tipsy turvy boat that's constantly changing directions every time I look up, and even sometimes when I'm not looking at all. What it all comes down to is the need for balance..the need for some sort of semblance that makes sense of everything...the only problem is..I have no idea where or how to start making sense of anything...or making decisions of any kind. I'm rather bad at decisions..especially these big life altering ones.

The decisions now are so overwhelming that my mind just wants to go back to being four...and be able to make those 'tough' four year old decisions once again. Just in case you hadn't figured out the answers to my four year old self's problems..the answers go a little like this:

A) You always make purple..because when you're four..purple is a fun 'girl' colour...which means 'pretty pictures'
B) The water table means you get to splish splash, thus it reigns supreme over the sand table.
C) When you're four and adorable, you simply need to bat your eyes, stick out your lower lip with a slight tremble and tell Daddy that Mommy won't let you have cake but you MUST have it for breakfast.

And then suddenly you have it, the answers to all of lifes pertinent questions.

Ah, if only life were ACTUALLY that simple.

Remember The Days..

Remember the days when snowdays were so infrequent that they were truly something that were cherished and anticipated? As the radio stations announce the fact that virtually all buses are cancelled I look outside and wonder why. Yes, there is snow on the ground. But yes, I also live in Canada! We're the typical stereotype for snow and cancelling the buses every other day is like admiting that we can't even handle a little bit of the wet fluffy stuff! Granted, there are days when buses should be cancelled, but other days it seems to be a lot of hype and a lot of undue paranoia.

I can remember sitting at the window as a child, watching those perfect little snowflakes drift to the ground with wonder in my eyes. Not wonder at their magical beauty, but wonder that they could give me an unscheduled day of freedom in the morning if enough of them collected unexpectedly.

In my younger days I woke up more often than not to my parents saying "It's time to get out of bed for school.." when there was a heavy snowfall the night before..Very rarely did I wake up and look at my alarm clock and jump out of bed to put my feet on the cold floor only to discover that there was TOO much snow to go to school that day and it was perfectly okay that I had slept in!

But let me tell you, when that DID happen, it wasn't taken lightly. Over breakfast we'd discuss our plans for the day. Snowforts, snowmen, snowball fights, skiing, tobagganing and other general snow activities were our always our top choices and it was not uncommon for us (sometimes along with nearby kids) to spend the entire day out in the wet snow until we were completely exhausted with rosy pink cheeks and that sparkle in your eye that only fresh air can give you. We'd spend hours perfecting snowforts and dragging out all sorts of 'tools' from the garage and house to aid us with our building techniques. We could spend even more of these wonderful hours making up our own little worlds in these places, school being the farthest thing from our minds. After a long day in the fresh air we'd come inside to hot chocolate and other random snowday activites. In our younger days I can remember finding an empty box that transported into a spaceship, a canoe and houseboat. All to provide us grand adventures in the span of mere minutes. The imaginations we had ran wild and we were completely satisfied to let them take over our minds and fully enjoy our newfound freedom. There was just something so exciting about having an entire day where you couldn't go anywhere and nothing needed to be done..you were simply allowed to BE..with no restrictions or obligations looming over your head.

For certain members of my family, the best part of a snowday was if they power went out. Especially if they power went out at night before the dreaded bedtime. When this happened we always dragged candles out and lit them until the house basked in the glowing light that only candles can give off. It was then that we'd pull out boardgames and over the dining room table would play games for hours together as a family. No distractions, no electronics, nothing that could hinder the fun and adventures. There was something magical about knowing that you couldn't just go and do something else, there was nothing else to do. You were granted the time to spend with your family without feeling like there was something else that you wanted to do or had to do and you could just truly enjoy each others company. That feeling is one of the nicest memories of my childhood that I have. That pure and utter love and contentment of knowing that when it came down to it, even if you were trapped in the same house and no electricity, you still had each other.

But now, I must run, because even on the days when children are still being given that little bit of paradise called a 'snowday'..adulthood is calling my name and I must go and be a productive member of society. But don't feel sorry for me as this lovely snowday continues without my participation because every now and then during my busy day I'll sneak a memory of past snowdays into my thoughts if for nothing else but to warm my soul.