Packing Up The Pieces..

My fate is still up in the air..I'm heading to Europe fairly soon...but that is a little bit up in the air right now. I'm waiting for my visa..and my travel plans aren't completely and totally solidified...which is in a word...terrifying! I'm excited to go..beyond belief! But it's also quite scary to think about leaving for give or take a year! I'm hoping that in the next day or two I can finalize my travel plans and get everything organized. Technically I should be leaving REALLY soon..but it's this darn work visa that's making everything more difficult! Ah well, guess you've just gotta take the good with the bad..I hope that it can be sorted out soon though..I'm really quite anxious to get on my way and do some travelling :)

In my attempt to "sort out" my life and get things organized for being out of the country for a year I've been doing many things. I've got an international drivers lisence, I've purchased a couple of my favourite english books, I've got a phrase book which gives me certain phrases from English --> French, German and Italian (Handy, since those are three of the main languages spoken in Switzerland, where I'm headed). I've started buying those necessary items that I always *want* when I'm travelling..extras of certain things that I want to take with me..some new clothes...the general getting ready to travel things. It's hard though, because I'm attempting to get things ready for the next YEAR. As I'm discovering, a year is A LOT longer than it seems. I'm trying to pack things and accumulate things for multiple seasons. This means everything from jeans and t-shirts to skirts to sweaters to snow pants. There are a lot of different things that I feel are going to come up that I'm going to be like "darn, I wish I'd brought ______".....but I'd like to have as many of the "essentials" as I can now..so that I can save up the money I'm making there for my REAL emergency buys..and of course..that pesky little backpacking through Europe thing of which just the THOUGHT of has me hooked.

One of the main things I've been trying to accumulate before I go though..isn't anything that I can buy or gather up or pack into my suitcases...It's not something that has a physical form or something that can be touched or even seen...but it's something that I already know that I'm going to miss the most when I leave home.

The thing that I've been trying to gather the most of during my final weeks and days at home is simply love, friendship, warmth and family. I've been attempting to 'soak up' as much possible love from everyone around me...in every way I know how. Just spending quality time with the people I love..and trying to make an effort to do this is any way I know how. It's been hard..because no matter who I'm spending them with..I always wish that there were more hours in a day so that I could squeeze in extra time with others, with more of those people who I hold closest to my heart..but there just never seems to be enough time.

I wish that I'd started 'soaking up' love from people earlier. It's something that we should all do all of the time..spend as much time with the people with love as is humanly possible..but unfortunately, it seems that the vast majority of people (myself included) don't do or make enough time for these things...There are always excuses it seems..being too tired, to drained, too busy, too WHATEVER..and then we loose sight of what's really important. We forget to savour each moment, to cherish the little things and really live life to the fullest...

I'm glad that I've been trying to spend as much time with everyone as I can lately..even though sometimes I do flake and don't spend nearly as much time with everyone as I want to..even though I feel torn because I wish there was a way for me to do EVERYTHING that I want to do and spend as much time with everyone as possible...I'm still TRYING..even if it doesn't REALLY seem like I am.

I just want to have as many reserves of love and happiness stored in my soul as possible..because I know that when I leave home..I'm going to desperately miss it here. Even though I'm ready to leave, even though I want to have adventures..even though I need to experience new things..I know that once I leave..I will miss things here...I will miss chatting with my Dad after we've finished our day...I will miss sitting on the deck when the sun comes down..I will miss going out for drinks with Nannon..and going to the park with Nenna...I will miss coffee dates..and swimming at the cottage..and just joking around...I will miss everyone's smiles and their laughs...

Not only will I miss these things, but there will also be events that I miss. Birthdays, weddings, milestones and other occasions that are hard to leave behind..so I'm hoping that by having so many happy, lovely, wonderful memories tucked away in my head..I'll be able to rely on these..and not be so sad about missing out on certain things that I know will tug at my heartstrings.

I know that I have an amazing adventures ahead of me..and I know I am going to have the time of my life..a completely and undeniably once in a lifetime experience..

But I can't help but think about the things and the people who I will miss more than anything..

If only I could bottle them up and bring them with me..

I guess that would probably defeat the purpose of leaving home to experience new things and meet new people...but I suppose it at least will (and maybe already has?) make me appreciate the people in my life a lot more than I have been...and make me cherish those little moments for what they really are..classic bits of old fashioned love and happiness...

Despite everything..despite the stress..despite everything else that is going on...Life is still okay...in fact..life is good. :)

Tipsy Turvy

The older I get, the more complicated life seems to get.

Take for instance when I was four. Lifes complications were HUGE to me then, but looking back on them..they were a piece of cake. Sometimes they were quite LITERALLY cake. How exactly do you manage to convince mom that leftover birthday cake IS an acceptable breakfast food? That was a big problem that my four year old mind had to work through. Other big problems involved deciding whether I wanted to play at the sand table OR the water table. Or sometimes the major deli ma's in my life surrounded which colour I wanted to put on my paint brush to create my latest master piece...red, blue or should I REALLY spice things up, mix them together and get a snazzy shade of purple!? Oh the problems of my four year old existence.

Now things seems to get more and more complicated the older I get..and I'm constantly torn between things...and I have no idea even where to start...No matter what I do in my life..I constantly feel as though something else is suffering. If I spend a lot of time with friends..I feel as though I should be spending more time with family..but then I feel as though I don't see my friends enough...and then I'm racked with guilt because I want to spend TONS of time with EVERYONE..but I just can't seem to figure out how to balance everything out. If I'm not working..I feel guilty because there are so many things that NEED to be done..but then if I'm at work I feel as though it would be lovely to just be able to spend some ME time..I feel guilty either way! I have no idea what I'm doing next year..I feel as though I want to just get up, pack up some things and leave..but I feel guilty leaving everyone and everything behind..there are things that are tying me here..which most people have not even the slightest idea what these things mean to me..but yet, they do tie me here..and it's hard to leave them, even if it is only temporarily.

I don't know what to do anymore..I feel as though no matter what I do..something is suffering, something or someone is being let down..and it's starting to wear me down. Life is like a rather tipsy turvy boat that's constantly changing directions every time I look up, and even sometimes when I'm not looking at all. What it all comes down to is the need for balance..the need for some sort of semblance that makes sense of everything...the only problem is..I have no idea where or how to start making sense of anything...or making decisions of any kind. I'm rather bad at decisions..especially these big life altering ones.

The decisions now are so overwhelming that my mind just wants to go back to being four...and be able to make those 'tough' four year old decisions once again. Just in case you hadn't figured out the answers to my four year old self's problems..the answers go a little like this:

A) You always make purple..because when you're four..purple is a fun 'girl' colour...which means 'pretty pictures'
B) The water table means you get to splish splash, thus it reigns supreme over the sand table.
C) When you're four and adorable, you simply need to bat your eyes, stick out your lower lip with a slight tremble and tell Daddy that Mommy won't let you have cake but you MUST have it for breakfast.

And then suddenly you have it, the answers to all of lifes pertinent questions.

Ah, if only life were ACTUALLY that simple.

Friend Families

Lately I've had the pleasure to start hanging out with some of my best friends siblings. Now, you have to understand that I LOVE my best friends to bits..and I love their families..and despite not knowing their siblings THAT well, I already love them by association. It's so funny..because as I become older the more I realize that the people I'm closest with, the friends I hold dearest to my heart..are the people whose families are most similar to my own. We all share similar values and beliefs and morals..and I think that is part of the reason why we all get along so well. Once you add in additional siblings and cousins and other members of the family who also share these similar views..you end up with this fun group of people who are all so similar to you and who you get along with quite wonderfully..which is..AWESOME!

This last year, one of my best friends (For the purpose of this blog..we shall call her [the best friend] Nannon) sisters (Said sister of the best friend has requested that her nickname be spelt with an ie when she was informed that I was going to write a blog about her..haha! So I present to you..the sister of Nannon..Hammie.) moved from her hometown to this lovely little town. She lived in residence, made lots of new friends and had a generally quite wonderful first year at Hippie U...from what I've heard at least! She's now moved in with Nannon..and thus comes as one of those built in friends. Despite being a few years younger than us, she's quite lovely and wonderful to hang out with. We've had the pleasure of having LOTS of hangouts this past week..and it makes me happy to have her around for the summer to keep me company. I really enjoy when random friendships such as this one just..appear. It's not necessary to TRY very hard at them, you already have things in common with them and it's another person who you can laugh with and have silly inside jokes with....and just have an all around good time with. It's nice that we can just hang out so easily without really even KNOWING each other that well..and are quickly becoming good friends!

This past weekend brought many siblings and family members of some of my best friends into the same realm as each other..and I love them all dearly. We can laugh for hours, go out and be silly, or just sit around talking...all the while having a quite lovely time. My friends are some of the dearest people in the world...and I wouldn't change them for anything...and I really don't feel like I need much more in life as long as I have them in my life...But then add to that the fact that I not only have have AMAZING best friends who I love to bits, who take me as I am and who know me better than myself..but within the package of their loveliness I also get an extended family...that's more than I could ever ask for! Within their families are people who love me, care about me and are generally beyond amazing...so not only do I have best friends..but I have best friend families..who encompass all of the best parts of said best friends..in large groups of wonderful people!

So yes, I've decided that I'm quite happy that Hammie has moved north and has joined our cute and quaint little friend family..she's a wonderful addition!

And, as a bonus..I no longer am the baby of the group of friends! Our Hammie now has that distinction of being the youngest...SCORE!

Bitter..Cynical..Hopeful?

I'm honestly beginning to believe that procrastination is my middle name.

Anonymous Procrastinator McOnymous.

That's ACTUALLY my name folks. Seriously. I'm not even kidding. Okay, so I am. But just a LITTLE. :P I've been so bad at updating in any shape or form lately. And you don't even want to know what I do with my spare time..I literally just sit here and am a zombie. I play random computer games..listen to music..read..and sometimes watch tv. I need to get off my butt and actually do something productive..although I did have a quite exciting day today! Although the excitement falls into that 'I can't talk about it because it pertains to my real life sort of life'..and thus anonymity becomes an issue. But let's just say..it was a rather large stepping stone, I was given immense amounts of responsiblity and it was surreal to say the least. WHOA!

So ANYWAYS. School is done. Mostly. I'm just going this silly little bit of practicum and then I'm freee! I'm excited for it to be summer..although we had SNOW the other day..so I don't really know how close summer is. Yes, you heard me correctly..we had SNOW. Mother nature is one cruel and unusual lady. The temperatures soar into the mid twenties..and now I freeze at night because we're hitting 0 degrees. Actually 0. Since when is that even allowed to happen in APRIL..let alone MAY.

Which brings me to my next topic. How the bloody hell is it MAY already?! Honestly! The year is just flying by and I have NO idea how it's happening! I think that I say that every year..and probably say it at the beginning of every month (well, not that it's MAY..because that would just be silly..but I say 'How in the world is it (fill in the month) already!?') I really just want to have a fun and exciting summer..and I'm hoping that it'll work out. I hope that work isn't too stressful (although it usually ends up being far more stressful than I ever could have imagined..ugh!) and that there isn't too much drama (ha..ha..here's to hoping!) and that it can just be a peaceful, relaxing, FUN summer. That's all I want.

Well, I lie. I want a lot of things...there is always something else that I want..chocolate..a nice boy..world peace..they all fit in there on my wants and desires list somewhere.

Speaking of boys..I'm fairly convinced that this town is severely lacking in nice, available boys. There are some who are nice and lovely..but taken. Then there are the ones who are nice and available..but not interested in girls what-so-ever...and then there are the ones who ARE available..but are mostly only looking to be jerks and find girls go home with after the bar. Any ones who are nice, available and interested in girls..seem to be snapped up before you know it..and it's rather frustrating..which is yet another reason why I feel the need to leave this town. That, and when everyone knows each other or is related to each other..it gets rather awkward when you're like..ooh..right..I remember you..you're my third cousin. Awkwaaaaaard. My grandmother would actually go through my yearbook when I was in high school and point out the people that I was related to and try to give me a family tree history. It was then that I decided that anyone from my hometown who I was interested had to go through the 'grandma detection' to ensure a lack of family ties..especially if they were from around the area..the ones who had been transplanted from other larger cities..I wasn't too worried about..but luckily it's usually the locals that sketch me out the most anyways. Most of the time..it's a generalization..but that's life.

I think my problem is that I just have this perfect little idea of the perfect boy for me stuck in my head..and as much as I know that it may not exist..I at least want SOME of the qualities that said imaginary boy holds...I'm not really willing to compromise on certain things..and I don't think that I should..I don't think that anyone should.

The real problem is that I'm this little romantic deep down inside. Really, not even far from the surface..because I am definitely the emotional sucker/sap/etc. and always have been. I want this little fairy tale..but not even really the fairy tale..I just want something half decent..although I would take the fairytale in a heartbeat. LOL! I know that it's silly to want that..and I know that I've probably been brainwashed by millions of stereotypes and false images that don't REALLY exist..or if they do are few and far between..and even then..cannot be perfect...because NOTHING is really ever perfect. And I know that relationships, especially the good ones take mounds and mounds of work and effort..but there is still a part of me that longs for a nice boy..someone who even if it's not a fairy tale..treats you like you are a princess..in the littlest of ways..just doing nice things for the sake of doing nice things. Someone who cares about the little things and listens and is there..I don't care about chocolate or flowers or being rescued from an evil fire breathing dragons (but extra points to a boy if he DOES)..I just want a nice boy who comes home and kisses me hello and asks how my day was..

In all reality..I want someone who I can travel with..and have fun and crazy adventures with. Someone who will push me to be the person I want to be..but will hold my hand and jump with me when I need them to. I want someone who doesn't care that the dishes are always done 10 minutes after every meal..and I want someone who comes home and builds forts with the kids in the living room..I want someone who enjoys going for a walk after dinner..and doesn't mind getting up early on a Saturday to go take someone to ballet lessons or hockey games or make an extra stop on the way home because I forgot to get balloons for a birthday party. I want someone who remembers that I don't like to eat cooked carrots..and every now and then has to be reminded that the phone bill is due..I want to have someone who I can sit and talk with for hours..just talking about silly ridiculous random stuff. I want someone who I can collapse with on the couch after a long week and drink a bottle of wine with and pass out with on the couch with..only to realize 12 hours later that sleeping on the couch all night is never as good as an idea as it seemed at the time. Someone who will dance with me..even if he doesn't know how to dance..and someone who isn't afraid to say what needs to be said. I want that house filled with kids who slide across wooden floors in their sock feet..filled with neighbourhood kids who always seem to come out of the woodwork. I want a dog, a cat and probably a hamster because someone HAD to have them for their birthday or they'd just die...because everyone ELSE in their class got a hamster. I want lazy summer days in the backyard..vacations to cottages and the east coast...days where everyone is home sick because we keep passing each other silly colds..and a kitchen that makes the best cookies in the neighbourhood.

I guess my idea of perfection is this little cliche life. I want the good stuff..but I kind of want the not so good stuff as well..I want this little life filled with the good and the bad..because it's always the bad that makes the good that much better...and that all starts out with finding a nice boy. Which, as I've previously discussed..does not seem to exist within the confines of this quaint little town. Even most people I know who have FOUND nice boys and exist with said boys here..have had their boys relocate from other areas. Le SIGH. Oh well..I'll just go on being my little hopeless romantic..who has all of these dreams about her so called perfect little life. Actually. Strike that. I'm not a hopeless romantic..I may be becoming bitter and cynical..but there is still hope that someday I'll find some sort of my perfect little dream life. I don't care if I get it all..Life always has a different direction and a different path in which it can lead..it never goes the way that you expect it to..but it usually has a funny way of working out..so I'm not a hopeless romantic..If I do say so myself..I'd like to believe that I'm a hopeful romantic. Maybe. We'll see how much longer I can hold out on that front ;)