Packing Up The Pieces..

My fate is still up in the air..I'm heading to Europe fairly soon...but that is a little bit up in the air right now. I'm waiting for my visa..and my travel plans aren't completely and totally solidified...which is in a word...terrifying! I'm excited to go..beyond belief! But it's also quite scary to think about leaving for give or take a year! I'm hoping that in the next day or two I can finalize my travel plans and get everything organized. Technically I should be leaving REALLY soon..but it's this darn work visa that's making everything more difficult! Ah well, guess you've just gotta take the good with the bad..I hope that it can be sorted out soon though..I'm really quite anxious to get on my way and do some travelling :)

In my attempt to "sort out" my life and get things organized for being out of the country for a year I've been doing many things. I've got an international drivers lisence, I've purchased a couple of my favourite english books, I've got a phrase book which gives me certain phrases from English --> French, German and Italian (Handy, since those are three of the main languages spoken in Switzerland, where I'm headed). I've started buying those necessary items that I always *want* when I'm travelling..extras of certain things that I want to take with me..some new clothes...the general getting ready to travel things. It's hard though, because I'm attempting to get things ready for the next YEAR. As I'm discovering, a year is A LOT longer than it seems. I'm trying to pack things and accumulate things for multiple seasons. This means everything from jeans and t-shirts to skirts to sweaters to snow pants. There are a lot of different things that I feel are going to come up that I'm going to be like "darn, I wish I'd brought ______".....but I'd like to have as many of the "essentials" as I can now..so that I can save up the money I'm making there for my REAL emergency buys..and of course..that pesky little backpacking through Europe thing of which just the THOUGHT of has me hooked.

One of the main things I've been trying to accumulate before I go though..isn't anything that I can buy or gather up or pack into my suitcases...It's not something that has a physical form or something that can be touched or even seen...but it's something that I already know that I'm going to miss the most when I leave home.

The thing that I've been trying to gather the most of during my final weeks and days at home is simply love, friendship, warmth and family. I've been attempting to 'soak up' as much possible love from everyone around me...in every way I know how. Just spending quality time with the people I love..and trying to make an effort to do this is any way I know how. It's been hard..because no matter who I'm spending them with..I always wish that there were more hours in a day so that I could squeeze in extra time with others, with more of those people who I hold closest to my heart..but there just never seems to be enough time.

I wish that I'd started 'soaking up' love from people earlier. It's something that we should all do all of the time..spend as much time with the people with love as is humanly possible..but unfortunately, it seems that the vast majority of people (myself included) don't do or make enough time for these things...There are always excuses it seems..being too tired, to drained, too busy, too WHATEVER..and then we loose sight of what's really important. We forget to savour each moment, to cherish the little things and really live life to the fullest...

I'm glad that I've been trying to spend as much time with everyone as I can lately..even though sometimes I do flake and don't spend nearly as much time with everyone as I want to..even though I feel torn because I wish there was a way for me to do EVERYTHING that I want to do and spend as much time with everyone as possible...I'm still TRYING..even if it doesn't REALLY seem like I am.

I just want to have as many reserves of love and happiness stored in my soul as possible..because I know that when I leave home..I'm going to desperately miss it here. Even though I'm ready to leave, even though I want to have adventures..even though I need to experience new things..I know that once I leave..I will miss things here...I will miss chatting with my Dad after we've finished our day...I will miss sitting on the deck when the sun comes down..I will miss going out for drinks with Nannon..and going to the park with Nenna...I will miss coffee dates..and swimming at the cottage..and just joking around...I will miss everyone's smiles and their laughs...

Not only will I miss these things, but there will also be events that I miss. Birthdays, weddings, milestones and other occasions that are hard to leave behind..so I'm hoping that by having so many happy, lovely, wonderful memories tucked away in my head..I'll be able to rely on these..and not be so sad about missing out on certain things that I know will tug at my heartstrings.

I know that I have an amazing adventures ahead of me..and I know I am going to have the time of my life..a completely and undeniably once in a lifetime experience..

But I can't help but think about the things and the people who I will miss more than anything..

If only I could bottle them up and bring them with me..

I guess that would probably defeat the purpose of leaving home to experience new things and meet new people...but I suppose it at least will (and maybe already has?) make me appreciate the people in my life a lot more than I have been...and make me cherish those little moments for what they really are..classic bits of old fashioned love and happiness...

Despite everything..despite the stress..despite everything else that is going on...Life is still okay...in fact..life is good. :)

En Francais SVP

Tonight I had the joy of going to my eleven year old cousins class production of a modern day 'Romeo and Juliet'. The class had been studying the middle east and the conflicts there..and as such they took a rather interesting slant on Romeo and Juliet with the whole idea of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict..Generally it went very well, they acted and worked their little butts off and I really enjoyed myself..even though the entire production was 'en francais' and my french is..well..weak! I understood enough to get by, and I did know at least a vague outline of the play..so that helped! It was really nice though, to be a part (even if only a small audience member part) of something that these cousins are a part of. For so many reasons there always seem to always be reason that we don't interact as much as I would like...so it was really refreshing to have the chance to go to something of theirs and see them..and I know that J was really happy that I was there and was BEAMING when I told her that I really liked the show and that I thought her acting was awesome (which it so rightly..was!) So on just the surface, I enjoyed myself immensely..but then as I am sitting here..I'm thinking about all of the effort that went into making this show successful. It's an amazing amount of work..the play is adapted by the teacher in charge..depending on the students and the resources and yadda yadda. They have a million and one props that are hand made, borrowed, bought or pled for...sets which are hand painted..lines which are rehearsed over and over again..and a million other minute details that are done. And as I was standing there tonight, I realized how much time, effort, love and patience has gone into this production..and how worth it it was to these kids..the fact that they brought this to life..was just..amazing..and it was all because they had an amazing teacher to help them and guide them into where they needed to be so that they could reach the potential they have.. It really hit home for me then..even though I didn't understand every single word, even though there were those little 'oops' moments where someone goofed...forgot a line or the wrong song played..they were all insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Those kids aren't going to remember the nitty gritty details of their math lesson or their english lesson..but they'll always remember putting together this grand production, working as a team and accomplishing something that they're incredibly proud of. It reinstilled in me what I want to be as a teacher, what I NEED to be as a teacher. I had become so worn down by all of the people who are out there..doing what they do simply for the paycheck, not for the love of it. Not because they really CARE. Teaching is about caring..teaching is about making a difference..and that's what this teacher did for his students..he gave them tools, resources and a way to become confident in their abilities to not only showcase themselves, but also to work together as a cohesive team. You could tell by the looks on those kids faces that they WORSHIPED him..because he respected them and cared enough to put his heart and soul into doing something meaningful for those kids. That's the kind of teacher I'm aiming to be..that's what I've always wanted to be..it's those moments when it suddenly hits you...that the smiles on those kids faces as they took their final bow..that is why I want to do more, to be more..they're why I want to make a difference. The language barrier may have been there..but when it came down to it..it language itself was relatively insignificant. Me being there wasn't REALLY about the play, sure on one level it was..but seeing what amazing teachers can do when they put their heart and soul into something..that's what I feel as though I was meant to see..to know that it really can and does happen..and that I cannot let myself be discouraged and that with a little (a lot?) of strength..I can eventually become the teacher I want to be..and do an amazing job doing it. Faith in the teaching profession is on the path to restoration..now all I need to do is find my place, my niche, on that path..one step at a time :)

Five Dollar Bills

Yesterday I had to go out and get a few items from one of those big, annoying box stores. It was just easiest to do this..and although I'm not so much a fan of these corporate mizzle pazzle places..(and have been severely trying to restrict my purchases from said places) I found myself upon their doorstep yesterday afternoon.

Anyways, I quickly entered the store..managed to find the few specific items that I was looking for..and probably another one or two that I wasn't looking for..and struggled through seas of screaming children and random 'four in the afternoon' shoppers to find my way to a checkout.

After quickly glancing up and down at the different registers I decided that it just wasn't worth it to wait in line for the convience of having someone else bag my few items and say that oh so scripted 'Hello, how are you today' with absolutely no enthusiasm in their voice what-so-ever. So I got in line for one of those pesky little self checkout things that more often than not beep every two seconds..and waited. And waited. And then I waited some more.

Finally it was my turn to scan my purchases and (hopefully!) be on my merry way to bigger and better destinations. Alas, the woman who was in front of me was taking longer than most people would..especially since she had already completed her purchase and was supposed to have moved on. (You of course can tell this by the annoying green flashing light above the self checkout station). Well it seemed upon closer inspection that the machine had decided to yell random things at her. It was telling her to 'take her change' (She had paid by credit card..thus..no change?) and that she needed to take her receipt (which she hadn't done because the machine had been yelling at her to take her change, of which, there was non and shouldn't have been any). So finally, she starts to walk off in a daze, and I run up to her and hand her the receipt, which she has still forgotten. I then go on my merry way ringing in my purchases and bagging them. I pay quickly and while I'm waiting for *my* receipt to print, I notice a crisp five dollar bill sitting in the change bay of the checkout.

I look around..slightly confused as to who this belongs to. I didn't really KNOW what to do...did I take it, shove it in my purse and forget about it? Surely not. I'm not one of those people that can just forget about something like that and not feel ridiculously guilty. Did I hand it in to the guy overseeing the checkouts? He would likely only pocket the money and not feel guilty in the least. Did I try to find the woman who had been before me in hopes that I could catch her and return her five dollars which had evidentally been the change that the machine had been yelling at her to take? But she had moved on well before this point and was likely already in her car and about to leave..So did I just leave it for some unsuspecting customer who followed me to take and shove in their purse/wallet/other random money holding device? I was at a loss for what to do..

After a brief hesitation, and a glaring look from the next lady in line as the green light above me had started to flash and I still hadn't removed my receipt or moved out of the way, I quickly scooped up the bill, grabbed my receipt and proceeded out of the store.

As I made my way through yet again more throngs of people, I wondered what I was going to do..the woman was surely in her car by now..and really...it was only five dollars..it wasn't as though I had found a particularly large sum of money that anyone would REALLY miss THAT terribly. But yet, I still felt extremely guilty..I didn't really know what to do..the comfort came when I decided that if I didn't see the woman on my walk to the car, I would find someone who needed the money and give it to them instead. So I walked out of the store feeling slightly less guilty..and scanned the parking lot looking for any glimpse of the woman who had been in front of me...when low and behold..I spotted her!

I quickly beelined over to her and explained that the machine had been trying to give her change and that I had found the five dollars and wanted to return it to her. She looked at me peculiarly and said that she couldn't imagine anyone ever returning money that they had found..let alone an amount so small and relatively insignificant. She said that it restored her faith in people to know that there were people in the world who still thought of others before themselves and that it gave her hope for the future.

We talked for another few seconds and like a flash, I was back into my own world heading on my merry way...her words still lingering in my head. I cannot imagine a world where people don't care for each other..but maybe that is because I simply do not operate that way...It's just not how I am...whether it be five dollars or five hundred dollars..that is not the issue. It's the reasoning behind it...it's the moral and ethical issues that play such a major role in determining who we are...and the person who I want to be is the person who is honest, trustworthy and someone who cares about other people in whatever way possible...whether it be a smile, five dollars or a simple have a nice day. When it all boils down to it..it's the little things that matter most. It's the little things that have the most opportunity to change the world..not only can you piece them together to create a tidal wave of change..but you can inspire someone else to be a better person, to pay it forward..simply by setting the example.

So as I left, I realized that maybe just this once..the big box store wasn't so bad. It had taught me a lesson about myself and the person I want to be..and I hope to believe that I inspired someone else to think about their actions and the example they want to set for someone else..but I still felt guilty as I had already partially earmarked that five dollars for someone who I decided desperately needed it as a way to ease my conscience. As I pondered this at a red light..I made another rash decision and took out an old crinkled five dollar bill, stuck it in the back of my wallet where I hide all of my receipts and other daily junk. I silently decided to keep it for the next rainy day when I came across someone down on their luck needs a helping hand up...in hopes of perhaps inspiring them to do whatever they could to pay it forward in whatever way they can. It's not like it was a large sum of money..but in most cases like these..I don't think that it's always the money that matters. To me, the money is just money..I'll never notice a simple five dollar bill missing from my current wallet..I'm not nearly that careful with my money that I would...but it was the statement behind the money..the thought that someone actually cares enough to reach out in whatever way possible...even if it's only a few dollars. I hadn't even given anyone the money..yet the simple act of giving, even in theory, inspired me so much that I've challenged myself to a new sort of challenge..whether it be five dollars, five minutes or five seconds...I'm challenging myself to do something small, each and every day..to help someone..to show someone I care..to try and make a difference in the lives of others..and hopefully inspire others to try to do the same..without even knowing it. Who knows..maybe those two five dollar bills can change the world. You never know...it could happen.