Tipsy Turvy

The older I get, the more complicated life seems to get.

Take for instance when I was four. Lifes complications were HUGE to me then, but looking back on them..they were a piece of cake. Sometimes they were quite LITERALLY cake. How exactly do you manage to convince mom that leftover birthday cake IS an acceptable breakfast food? That was a big problem that my four year old mind had to work through. Other big problems involved deciding whether I wanted to play at the sand table OR the water table. Or sometimes the major deli ma's in my life surrounded which colour I wanted to put on my paint brush to create my latest master piece...red, blue or should I REALLY spice things up, mix them together and get a snazzy shade of purple!? Oh the problems of my four year old existence.

Now things seems to get more and more complicated the older I get..and I'm constantly torn between things...and I have no idea even where to start...No matter what I do in my life..I constantly feel as though something else is suffering. If I spend a lot of time with friends..I feel as though I should be spending more time with family..but then I feel as though I don't see my friends enough...and then I'm racked with guilt because I want to spend TONS of time with EVERYONE..but I just can't seem to figure out how to balance everything out. If I'm not working..I feel guilty because there are so many things that NEED to be done..but then if I'm at work I feel as though it would be lovely to just be able to spend some ME time..I feel guilty either way! I have no idea what I'm doing next year..I feel as though I want to just get up, pack up some things and leave..but I feel guilty leaving everyone and everything behind..there are things that are tying me here..which most people have not even the slightest idea what these things mean to me..but yet, they do tie me here..and it's hard to leave them, even if it is only temporarily.

I don't know what to do anymore..I feel as though no matter what I do..something is suffering, something or someone is being let down..and it's starting to wear me down. Life is like a rather tipsy turvy boat that's constantly changing directions every time I look up, and even sometimes when I'm not looking at all. What it all comes down to is the need for balance..the need for some sort of semblance that makes sense of everything...the only problem is..I have no idea where or how to start making sense of anything...or making decisions of any kind. I'm rather bad at decisions..especially these big life altering ones.

The decisions now are so overwhelming that my mind just wants to go back to being four...and be able to make those 'tough' four year old decisions once again. Just in case you hadn't figured out the answers to my four year old self's problems..the answers go a little like this:

A) You always make purple..because when you're four..purple is a fun 'girl' colour...which means 'pretty pictures'
B) The water table means you get to splish splash, thus it reigns supreme over the sand table.
C) When you're four and adorable, you simply need to bat your eyes, stick out your lower lip with a slight tremble and tell Daddy that Mommy won't let you have cake but you MUST have it for breakfast.

And then suddenly you have it, the answers to all of lifes pertinent questions.

Ah, if only life were ACTUALLY that simple.