Meh.

Sometimes I just want to sigh and quit life.

Instead I'll go to bed and dream happy dreams about loveliness.

Maybe.

But probably not.

Vague, I know.

Random, I know.

Unlike my usual blog posts..I know.

That's just the way it is.

This is why I don't have public blogs.

Skeletons

Everyone has skeletons. Everyone has family who has skeletons. They can be large skeletons..or they can be small skeletons..but there are skeletons none the less. I don't think that anyone can exist without having their own or someone else's skeletons hiding in their closet.

It's amazing how many little (and I use the term little loosely..) secrets are kept..especially within families. We spend so much time and effort putting on that 'happy face' and pretending that everything is always okay and wonderful and that things don't go wrong and that you can still manage to be that picture perfect little family. Growing up I faced that a lot..the make believe game where you put on that front that things were never wrong...and you hid all of your secrets behind closed doors because things just weren't talked about.

Even now, there are still things that just aren't talked about. There are family secrets that I'm dying to know about..but only know bits and pieces because you just don't talk about that stuff.

Then this morning while the radio was on..I heard a news story. And living in a fairly small town...you end up knowing a lot of people. Anyways, one particular story captured my attention. Another drug bust..and it's sad to say..but I immediately thought of a distant relative (a third cousin) who has been in a lot of trouble in the past in regards to the drugs in particular that they were talking about. Now, this isn't a close relative by any means..but due to some circumstances our families have been interacting more than usual in the last while. So in the back of my mind..I wondered if he had something to do with this..as every time I hear of a serious hard drug bust in the area..he's always somehow been connected.

Turns out this time that he was not only connected, but involved in the higher up running of the rather large scale operation.

As my Dad told me what had happened (his parents house where he was living as he was 'trying to get back on his feet' was raided and whatnot last night - keep in mind this is an older man with kids and a family and such..) I just felt sick to my stomach. I didn't feel as sorry for him..he has had many chances to try and 'fix' his life. He has been given opportunity after opportunity to attempt to change..handouts and support from a myriad of places...and has never taken any of these things..or even tried to take them...or rather, never took them whole heartedly. In my opinion he's been extremely selfish...how can you even fathom putting other people through things like that..let alone going through it yourself? I just can't even imagine..maybe I've always been a little bit of a 'goodie two shoes' - but I have also been wild or crazy in my day..but I've perfected the art of hiding my wild and crazy side..so that only the people I allow see it..Otherwise I'm a perfectly respectable and responsible young adult..at least in their eyes! And I've never gone to the point where I would REALLY let down myself or my family...at least I hope I haven't!

It was when I thought of his family having to yet again deal with this..that it broke my heart. To think about his parents..(neither of whom are very well) having to face the fact that yet again their son is involved in drugs and crime..and will yet again end up in jail. To think about the kids who don't have a father figure..and everyone else who he has let down..I just..can't imagine.

The oddest part to me is that people are so ashamed to be associated with this. It's a very 'hush hush' thing that's talked about behind closed doors...not unlike other things within the family. The topic of conversation tonight brought up other skeletons that had been hiding..and I found out more random distant family rumours and whatnot. But the ones that I REALLY want to know (the ones about not-so-distant relatives)..of course no one ever tells me! To me, I think that everyone has problems..we all have those skeletons collecting dust. Sure, some are bigger than others..and no, I don't really LIKE being associated with people like this, but still, the question that I keep coming back to in my mind..is why are people so preoccupied with the idea of appearances? Why do we have to pretend that everything is 'hunky dory' when it's not? Why push it under the rug and pretend that it never happened..what's the point in that? Where does that really get anyone? Does it deal with the problem and fix it? Sure doesn't. So what's the point then?

Our society is so fixated on the idea of appearances..I don't know if we'll ever get over it. Whether it be physical appearances, status, wealth or anything else...we're obsessed. And I'm no saint..I'm dragged into it far more often than not...but the eternal question always nags at me..Why do we care? Why does it matter? Why can't we just live, admit we have flaws, admit that we're not perfect and neither are our lives..but admit that that's OKAY..and that life goes on anyways and we might as well just make the best out of it...because when it comes down to it..making the best out of what you've got is what it's all about.

Friendship Glue

Friendships are like glue..There are some glues that hold for a long time, some glues that hold for a short time, and some glues that hold for no time at all. Sometimes the glue lasts longer than you expect..and sometimes something that is glued can be ripped off in a flash..it all depends on the type of glue and how you use it.

Over the years many friends have came in and out of my life. There have been friends of all walks of life who have at some point walked in (and sometimes out..) of my life..but in one way or another..they have all touched my life in some shape or form.

There have been some friends who have stuck around through everything. There have been some 'friends' who have stuck around through nothing..There have been some friends that have been around for years..and newer friends who have been around for a lot less time. There are some friends who are good at listening, and others who are good when you are the listener. There are some who are good for going out and having fun..and others who are good for a quiet night at home. Some I have everything in common with..others I have little in common with..Some I have more in common with than I would have ever assumed..but have remained more acquaintances than friends for reasons unknown. There are some that are quick friends (the glue from a hot glue gun?) and others that start out as friends of friends..or simply acquaintances...but slowly turn into some of the best friends you've ever had (That glue stick that sits in your desk drawer that you forget to use until three years later you finally pull it out and accomplish so many amazing projects with!) But there is always that constant glue that holds us together. Some unspoken connection or bond that has made through the crossing of our life paths...

There are many people who I know from my younger days who are not really friends at all..but people who have passed through my life at one point or another. Like when your teacher made you share the glue in the classroom..it wasn't really YOURS..but you used it anyways.. When I was younger, most of my friends weren't friends who stayed around, they were friends more of..convenience. I either didn't know, wouldn't admit or had no options (think: small town, peer pressure, etc.) for a variety of friends..so instead I was friends with people that when I look back on it now..I have little to nothing in common with. We MADE things in common with each other..but our interests and loves and passions did not tie us together..the material of our friendship was merely thin threads instead of distinct weaves..

Loosing touch with some people has made me cry at times..the years of friendship..and then that broken connection..it can be heartbreaking...It's like finding out that you worked for years putting something together..and then suddenly it all falls apart...the glue just doesn't stick anymore. I remember the first time that a friend slipped away..especially into the 'wrong crowd'. I sat and cried on the kitchen floor to my Mom for HOURS when the realization of that came crushing down..but then there have been others who also fell into that 'crowd'..and it didn't really affect me...It wasn't such a big deal..and their loss of friendship went over without too much ado...it was as if their glue wasn't as strong..they weren't as connected to me..so their breaking away wasn't felt nearly as much.

But then...I still have that group of friends from years ago who I can still keep in touch with and still communicate with and visit and catch up with after months (and sometimes years..) of not speaking..and we still have some sort connection left..a deeper bond that keeps us together. They're my super glue friends. The ones who always come bouncing back when you least expect them to.

It seems that life goes in cycles..for me at least. I go into something..a life experience of sorts (thus far in life..mostly schooling of sorts) and I make all sorts of friends and acquaintances..and then that experience is over..and I begin my journey to the next adventure my life has to bring..and I loose most of those people. It's not that I necessarily MEAN for this to happen..but it just..does. It just has become a natural transition. People drift, move, have adventures of their own..live their lives. It's then that I realize how little we actually had in common..and our relationship..our friendship..was based largely on circumstances. We knew the same people and did the same things..we were having similar experiences..so we could relate and co-exist. And during this time in our lives..it was helpful to have these people, these similar beings who were able to commiserate and understand and be a part of your life.

But then I look at the people that I stay in touch with from those times..and I look around me at the people who I keep. And suddenly, as I get older, I see this wonderful group of amazing individuals who I truly have something in common with. With each new life experience I gain new people and new resources in my life..but I still keep the most important ones with me. Those 'friends for life'..who even if you don't talk to every minute of every day..even if they don't know all of the minute details of your life..they still know the big things. And more importantly, you know that no matter what..they'll always be there with a smile, a hug and a helping hand no matter the circumstances...

It's rather comforting to realize that I've created this entire support network of amazing people who I love to death..it's not huge..it's not fancy..but they love me for me..and will always be there for me..no matter what.

I guess that's what they really are..my no matter what friends. They're the ones that have been there through it all..the good, the bad, the ugly. The random, the funny..the tears and the smiles. The ones who you can sit with for hours talking..never running out of things to talk about with..and even when you're too exhausted to talk anymore..the mere presence of their being is comforting. When it all comes down to it..they're the glue that holds everything together..and really..who doesn't love some good glue?

March Fools?

Todays Forcast Is: More Disgusting Snow.

I'm pretty sure that what has happened is that mother nature thinks that she's one funny lady...and is playing around with our heads.

If you listen closely..I'm sure that you can even hear the faint sounds of her laughter as yet again, the lovely little place I like to call home is bombarded with snow, snow and MORE SNOW. HORRAY! I heard this morning that we were supposed a little bit of snow..and after the last few weeks of sunshine and SORT OF rising temperatures..I had just assumed (foolishly, I know) that we'd seen the last of our snowfall for the year and that spring was on its way.

Turns out I was completely wrong.

We're now being pummeled with a 'severe winter storm' (Uhh..HELLO! It's now spring! How can we have a winter storm in spring?! Not allowed! Therefore, please remove the current snowfall and all of the cold and gross that goes with it..effective immeadiately.) It's just an absolutely disgusting mess of white and blah outside...It's depressing and I just want warmth and other spring loveliness. I just REALLY do.

I'm tired of winter..for real! It's so cold and blah and is wearing me down..I just really want it to be OVER! It keeps coming back though..that's the WORST part! You think that it's going to end..and then..nope..hey winter..you're still kicking..ugh.

I don't even know what to say about it anymore..Mother nature has apparantly decided to leave us with an early 'April Fools' joke..which quite frankly...isn't very funny...At least I'm not laughing.

Photos Photos Everywhere..

I'm not very good at photography..but it's something that I love. I really want to get better at it..and am actually thinking about taking a class. Once I have some money doing a grownup job..the plan is to buy a real camera and learn how to use it..these point and shoot things get the job done..but not well.

So anyways, that's my precurser to this post.

The object of the game is to comment with one or a few things you'd like to see pictures of from my life..it can be basically anything*...my favourite this or that...what my wallet looks like..where I spend most of my time...WHATEVER...and then I'll do my best to write a little blurb and post some pictures of said things :)

So here's what you do:

1) Click on Comments
2) Post new comment with something(s) you'd like to see from my world
3) Wait for me to post pictures of said things!


Simple right? Now go!





*there will be a few limits...but not many!

Gotcha!

So on account of the lovely Miss. Shop Girl briefly mentioning analytics stuff..I decided to be creative and create my own account! I was curious if anyone actually read this little dusty old corner..and if so..who!

I didn't think that many did..and was pretty sure that I knew exactly who did..turns out..I'm completely wrong.

Turns out that there are quite a few little lurkers of this dusty little corner of nowhere! Thanks to the lovely powers of the internet..I can seee youu! Okay. So not really. But I can KIND OF see you. I know that you're there and can see a little bit of random information about how long you're sitting here lurking and stuff. (Rather creepericious if you want my honest opinion!)

Despite being quite general and never really revealing (I don't think?) in my posts here thus far..I find this information quite...startling..for different reasons. The first being that I cannot fathom who would be interested in the dribble I write..The second being that this is the first time in a long time that I've allowed a blog to be publically accessed and have given up all control and power..so I don't know who is reading it. And that is actually quite..scary. I like to know who is reading about my life and why they're reading about my life. I actually thought that it would bother me more that I don't have such control and that I don't know exactly who is reading..but when it boils down to it..it doesn't really bother me that much.

But still, curiousity got the cat. And I am indeed a cat. A curious one at that! I'm beyond interested to know who is sitting on their computer reading about *my* boring old life! So show yourself! I dare you to! Even if it is anonymously! :P

PS - As I was told 34719847398432948239329* times by small children in the past few days...'Hoppy Easter!!!'









*may be a slight exageration

Secret Love Affair..

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on slash, favorite type of underwear, writing techniques etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

Shop Girl* Said: I challenge you to write about something that you secretly love but don't normally admit to other people.

This one is hard for me..harder than most people would ever think..because most things that I secretly love..I secretly love them for a reason! At first I thought about sharing my random love for certain objects..or this or that or the other thing..but then today, it came to me what I secretly love, probably the most out of anything.

I think that my secret love affair is something that most people love as well..but at times, I've found myself rather obsessed with this...it's rather simplistic when it comes down to it...

Ever since I was a small child I've always found myself wanting to please people. It's what I do. I go out of my way to try and accomplish this..I compromise many things to do this..I spend hours of my own time doing things for other people..I do things when I don't have the time, money or resources to do those things..and I do it all because I love the praise and any sort of positive reinforcement I get. That's my secret...Basically is what it comes down to is that I don't really care about any emotional/physical/monetary pain..as long as I have that little reward of someone telling me that I've done a good job or that they're proud of me or can give me some sort of encouragement. In fact, I thrive upon this.

It's odd to be sitting here trying to write this..because I like to pretend that I don't need this..and even reading this..you may not think that it's that big of a deal..everyone LIKES positive feedback..who wouldn't?! But really, to me, it's rather like an addiction. I don't just like positive feedback..it doesn't just make me feel good about things..I love positive feedback...I NEED it. It's not just that I want it..I actually get quite out of sorts without it..which again, I know, sounds ridiculous..but hey, it's me we're talking about here.

It's frustrating as well..because I know a lot of people who are able to give themselves their own little version of positive feedback..people who can tell themselves that they're doing a good job..and don't rely on other people to feed their ego. Unfortunately though, I'm not one of those people. I find it difficult to find things that I like about my own performance and my actually rate my own ability to do things, so instead I rely on others to rate my abilities...and rely almost entirely on those. If someone asks me to list the positives and negatives about something I've done or about myself..I can give you entire books about the negatives. I could go on forever..but ask me to think of just one positive..and I'm speechless. My mind is literally blank. It's taken me years to be able to accept any form of a compliment, and even then..they still make me anxious and uneasy...I don't know how to react or behave because I never feel as though I live up to what anyone else is saying about me..but still..I need it..and will replay it over and over and over again in my head..gaining some sort of internal satisfaction from a simple little phrase, note or comment.

If I get a really good paper back, or a good review from a supervisor..that paper can keep me going for days, weeks and months. I still have reviews from advisers just pointing out my abilities in my field and my strengths and those things stashed away..and whenever I'm feeling down and low, I pull out those things and read the comments in hopes that there is some truth in them. I will read the over and over and over again..analyzing every line and ever word..looking for everything that helps me to feel as though I can actually be successful and accomplish something.

But then, if there is anything negative (even just slightly) combined within this, the scale slides entirely to the negative spectrum. Virtually anything that is said that is negative when mixed in with the positive, has the ability to change everything that has been said into a negative attribute (at least in my own mind...). If you were to write three pages of good things about me, and one thing that was negative, I would focus entirely on the negative and any positive would be dismissed and considered effectively null and void. I don't know why exactly I do this..or when exactly it started..but I know it has gone on for years. I pick up on the negative things much more quickly, and will exaggerate and extrapolate them to the extreme at times.

I know that I do this, and yet, I cannot manage to find a way to stop myself. I wish I knew how to be able to believe in myself and what I do..I wish that I could rely simply on knowing and feeling as though I've done something good and meaningful instead of having to have someone else tell me so..

The only thing that keeps me from loosing at times is that ever constant reward and desire for praise to boost my feelings of confidence and self worth.

It really can (and does) make all of the difference if someone says to me 'good job, I like the way you ____' compared to if they just nod and say 'it's fine' or worse yet, say nothing at all.

So that's my little secret of something that I love but haven't admitted. It's probably unlike what was expected when this question was asked..but it was the thing that I felt would probably give any or all readers of this little bit of cyberspace a glimpse into the depth of this anonymous girl.

So there you have it, I love praise and encouragement..a lot. Probably more than most people would have ever guessed, even more than my closest friends would guess...I doubt even anyone who is reading this understands the depth to which I rely upon something so difficult to pinpoint. I like to pretend that it doesn't bother me when things are overlooked and I often pretend that it doesn't matter if someone just brushes of something that I've done....But the truth is..meltdowns over feelings of self worth, self doubt and other general inadequacies happen far too often behind closed doors...but I'm working on it.

Cold Spring Days..

I had really began to believe that spring was on its way..

The weather was getting warmer..the snow was melting..and slowly but surely the sounds of spring were upon us. The lovely sound of snow melting, the smell of the fresh crisp springtime air and the odd sound of a bird or two brave enough to come back to the first signs of spring..

Last weekend I was outside for two entire days..from 8 in the morning until 5 at night..and I didn't even bother with a coat..for the weather was just that nice.

And then I was hoping that this weekend would be the same. Alas..When I stepped outside my door this morning to get my day started...I realized how wrong I was about spring being here..and quickly ran back inside to grab long johns, another sweater AND my coat.

It's now been well over an hour since I've made my way back inside..but the core of my being still feels as though it's frozen solid. I guess spring isn't really here afterall...which is rather discouraging..I'm longing to put away my winter coat and say good riddence to it..I've had enough with winter! Bring on the nice weather and take away all of this blasted snow!

Despite the rain this week..there is still so much snow here. In places the snow is still up well past my knees..but in most others it's settled and melted below my knees. But still..I've had about enough! I'm ready for something warmer! I need a change that does not involve snow and cold and wind..which is where the lovely springtime weather (including all of that fun mud and muck!) comes into play...

Today would have been an absolutely lovely spring day..except for the fact that the wind was so utterly cold and bitter. I need to slather my poor hands in cream as the wind just absolutely took a beating on them..

On the upside..I now have reason to go be lazy and have the warmest of warm showers and cuddle up in a million blankets with some sort of reading material..horray! :)

Long Overdue Babble

Okay, okay.

So I know it's been a while..ugh! I'm awful at keeping up when things get busy..Despite reading..that's about all that I can keep up with..I want to comment on entries and have things to say..and then I just sit at the computer and think to myself.."wow..I'm really tired..I think that I'll just sit here and be a zombie"...so thus..I do. I feel awful because I know that there are a lot of people who I want to communicate with..but I've just been so exhausted..and now I'm out of the house from 8am-5pm (minimum) everyday..so by the time I get home, get all of the stuff done that needs to be done, make a lunch for the next day, shower and whatever..I don't really feel like doing much of anything else! I need to find a way to get more energy because I'm just DRAINED right now. I feel like I haven't had a proper 'break' in a really long time..and despite having time off..I haven't really had time to just 'relax' and do NOTHING..at least not without feeling guilty...which isn't much time off at all!

So let's try to recap the week with some highlights:

* Small children are hilarious and wonderful and they make me smile..all of the time.
* I made homemade lasagne which I hadn't made for a LONG time (both a meat/tomatoe & a veggie/cheese)..and it actually turned out well! I brought it to an event and everyone loved it!
* I almost had a heart attack when I thought that a MAJOR MAJOR assignment was due next week..turns out it's due next MONTH. Whew!
* Marks are up..and I did well. I'm happy..and that's all that matters.
* I'm worried about next year and what I'm going to do and how that's going to go..I just really don't know what is going to happen..and I'm so tired of thinking about it that I've just stopped.
* It's the long weekend and I have to work three of the four days..EWW!
* I went to a meeting today..and sat there yawning the entire time (and feeling guilty for yawning because it is a very important topic..) because I am just REALLY tired


Let's see what else happened..I went out to dinner with some girls from school tonight..and it was..lovely.

I had a drink called a 'Manilla Sunset' (doesn't it just SOUND like paradise!?) and ordered a crazy fun thai dish..(isn't it odd how I ordered thai food at a thai restaurant..duh!) It was generally just lovely company and lovely food..and I enjoyed myself throughly. I really need to spend more time like that just enjoying the moment and really living..because it's just not worth it otherwise...I get so caught up saying that I'm too tired and that I'll go next time and making these dumbass excuses..and then I miss out on things..and I never get anywhere..and I just really need to seize the day.

I'm generally just fed up with myself right now..I don't feel like I'm doing the best I can do at anything right now..and have been having these flashes of self doubt and frustration and I just want to curl into a ball and sleep. Between going away this winter (which, don't get my wrong, was lovely and amazing and one of the best things EVER) and then working while going to school and having opportunities to work in the field..it's just been a draining year. I feel zapped. Zapped of energy, zapped of emotion, zapped of creativity. I just need to go somewhere and refresh..I need to recharge my batteries and spend a week (nay, a month) getting massages and sleeping..instead of worrying and being frustrated and whatever..Or I just need to find a way to fix that on my own without those things..

Right now I'm just counting down the days..hoping that the feelings of inadequacy disappear with time..I hate self doubt..it's definitely one of my biggest downfalls.

Okay, I'd better get to bed fairly soon..I'm working the next three days..so I'm going to be DEAD come Monday..it's a good thing that I have the day off or I'd most likely go INSANE.

Hope all is well in journal land..♥!

Take all of your so called problems...

I've always been an emotional person...that's just the way that I am. I cry at happy things..I cry at sad things..I cry at funny things..I'm a crier. That's just the way that I am. I get upset over things that are happening around me personally and I can get just as upset over things that I read about in the news or things that I see on TV. If something is really happy and exciting I can cry because it's so amazing and wonderful for someone. If something is sad and awful..I'll cry as though their pain is my own. I've always been like this..and always get emotional whenever someone else around me is going through something rough..because I hate to see anyone in any sort of pain.

Then take the issue of death. It's a scary thing. It's a sad thing. The unknown..the unfamiliar..the uncertainty.

It's one of those things that I hate it, a lot. But then, who actually likes it?

Throughout my years growing up I've seen more people's lives than I would ever like to imagine been cut far too short. (In my own humble opinion..) And it breaks my heart to think about people who are so young dying..it just seems so unfair that someones life can end so quickly and so early..and I just don't understand why.

The worst part for me is funerals..I prefer to live in my own little world where bad things don't happen and I don't have to deal with the fact that people I know and love die. I repress all of those emotions until I don't feel them anymore..and then I push the fact that they're gone out of my mind until it's as if they've just moved away and I've lost their phone number. A lost contact instead of a lost soul I guess you could say. Instead of dealing with the heart wrenching pain and turning into the emotional girl who can't handle life, I just push down deeper and deeper..constantly repressing and constantly attempting to forget. I don't like dealing with death because then I have to face the fact that these people will never be a part of my life anymore..and that's just not the way I want things to do..so I avoid it. I hate going to funerals..they always just seem to be so depressing that I end up loosing it...and this is when I'm not very close with the departed soul. At funerals of people that I am close with..it's beyond awful. It's as if I'm in a trance and just going through the emotions..barely surviving..somehow managing to go through the motions. I'm really awful for forgetting people have died..I will see someone who looks like a person..or be listening to a song or read something that I know they would have loved..and pick up the phone or go to write them an email..and then suddenly realize that they really are gone..and it's back to the repression where I suddenly have realized that my emotions have managed to escape and I need to push them away again..but these realizations always hit me hard..and it seems as though my grieving process is very long and drawn out..but I guess it works for me...or even if it doesn't work for me..that's just how I am.

I went to a small town high school..everyone knew everyone. Even if you weren't 'close' friends with someone..you usually ended up at the same parties or at the same events or knew people who knew people or had classes together. Everyone ALWAYS knew everyone elses business..It's kind of nice some times with small towns because you do have that sense of community. But is common in these small towns..when something bad happens..you always know within mere hours...When a good friends brother died a few summers ago..we heard only hours after..before they had even found his body...news travels fast in small towns. And I can remember sitting there with my friends..crying on the kitchen floor as the news of yet another friend gone, another child without his father, lost. Throughout my years spending time at this school, there were always more deaths than teenagers should ever have to deal with. Car accidents after a weekend where there was a big party were (unfortunately..) not uncommon. Teenagers have this surreal view that they are infallible and that they can somehow beat the odds..even after years and years of proof that they can't beat those odds.. and too many are still under the belief that they will.

Each year that I was in high school there were at least a few car accidents a year. either from teenagers making foolish mistakes or from driving when they shouldn't have been. Driving too fast or making turns when they weren't really safe to do so..those sorts of things seem to be all too common. And then there are the completely different realm of accidents..the accidents after the big 'field party' that would always leave a car full of teenagers with various injuries lying in hospital beds..and 99% of the time would leave one unlucky teen in the hospital morgue. Far too many people from that high school died because of drinking and driving..so many that it almost became normalized. It makes me cringe to even write that..but unfortunately, it's true. Whenever I hear of another death, my first thought is always that they or the person they were driving with had been drinking..and this was the cause of yet another death. Hearing that someone else had been in a drinking and driving accident always has left a sour taste in my mouth..and I've always been adamant that I would never drink and drive..too many lives cut short to take that gamble. I will sometimes drive after having one drink or a glass or wine with dinner...but I've only done this a couple times in the years since I've had my licence and been old enough to legally drink..and this usually fell where there were hours in between the drink and the drive or with a full meal or when I knew that my driving abilities could never be called into question. As much as I will go out and drink and 'have a good time'..I know my limits and if there is the slightest doubt in my mind that my abilities would even be slightly altered or impaired, I refuse to drive. I call a cab, I call a friend, my parents, I stay over night, I do WHATEVER. I've lost too many friends and acquaintances over the years from their own stupidity or the stupidity of others on the road to ever take that chance.

The memory of the first friend I lost from a drunk driver is ingrained still in my memory. It's been almost 20 years and I still can remember her as clearly as ever. She was killed when we were only just three, and I still remember her laugh, her smile and I still remember the day my parents told me that she had died. I didn't understand death then, and I didn't realize until years later that it was a drunk driver who was responsible for her death, but the memory of the pain and the taste of the tears falling down my face as I came to the realization that she would never be able to play with me again have never left me. The feeling of the warm sunshine rays beating down on my back as I lay on the couch sobbing at the loss of my best friend at such a young age will stay with me forever.

Anyways though, it is sad that it has become so normalized that, yes, even though it shocks and saddens me greatly, I come to accept this form of death a lot easier than I would ever think should be acceptable. Friends, friends of, siblings of, and a multitude of other acquaintances have been lost over the years. It makes my heart hurt just thinking about all of the wonderful people, the lost lives, the lives of parents, siblings and children that are changed forever because of someones decision to drink and drive..

And then word comes. Another high school alum has also passed away.

This time though, it was expected. It had been coming for years and despite his best intentions, everyone knew.

I had heard word through the small town grapevine and other 'gossip' sources that he wasn't doing well and that his battle was harder than ever...but I still didn't expect that it would come to a close so quickly.

I wasn't close to him by any means. We went to elementary school together and since we were in a small town where there was only one grade of each class, we were always in the same class. In middle school we had some classes together, and others not. At this age, we knew who the other was, but were never by any means close. High school was the same as middle school, he had his group of friends and I had mine..we never really interacted because we just ran in different circles.

He was the ultimate jock. On every sports team known to man.

I was the shy yearbook editor, the VP of our Amnesty Int. chapter and the school council gopher.

By all means, complete opposites.

We had no real reason to interact and besides brief mentionings between friends in the past years, I knew little of his current life. But still..I couldn't help but weep when I heard of his death. Just the fact that someones life is cut so short, and by something completely out of his control, was something that struck me harder than I thought it would. Even though I knew it was coming...the fact that his mother, his brother, his friends and other family are left behind with only memories of the man he was..tugs at my heart.

Perhaps it's a sign that times are changing when such young peoples lives are cut so short by the power of something which really, is out of the control of most, if not all. I feel old as people I know, who are my own age, are dying from diseases instead of accidents. It just seems even ore unsettling that people my age are dying by no fault of their own than the lives are cut short by their own drunk driving. I don't like to think that people are so powerless, that we have so little control. It's terrifying to think that life can end so quickly without a second thought. It's also terrifying to realize that I can have days where I walk around in a daze and just..waste that entire day. I'll never get that day back..and there are so many people who never get the chance for that day. I waste so much time and energy being miserable and upset and it just isn't worth it. Even if life sucks, even if I'm stressed, even if I feel as though I hate the cards I was dealt..I need to remember that I have had better card than others. I have parents who are still married and in love after what is closing in on 40 years. I have a good education. I live in a country that allows me the freedom of speech and the ability to make my own decisions. I'm healthy...I've never been REALLY sick, nor have I had to suffer. I have friends who I love and who love me. I've had the opportunity to travel, and will have many more opportunities to travel more. I have money in the bank. I have a job..and I don't ever foresee a time when I wouldn't. I have a nice house to live in..and will always have somewhere to go when I don't know where to go next. I have access to all of the things that I've ever needed..and have never gone without. Whenever there was something that I needed, it was there. If there was something that I wanted..it was likely there as well. I'd be willing to guess that I'm luckier than at least 98% of the population.

..And yet at times I still get discouraged and upset and miserable. And really, what right do I have to be? It's like I'm playing poker..and I've been dealt a full house..yet I'm greedy and really just wanted four of a kind with an ace high, instead of just being content to accept my already wonderful hand.

I guess the point I'm trying to make with this long rambling non-sensical post is that life really is short. That you really do need to take advantage of every single moment because you never know when the game will be over. You need to take each day, each hour, each minute, each second..and appreciate it..whatever it is. Find the best in it..and take it for all that it's worth.


And suddenly..the song that plays randomly as I sit here hits close to home. And as I sit here smiling at the irony of it all...as the tears drop onto my keyboard on this dark Saturday evening...I realize that this is what I'll leave this post with.

So there you have it folks. Saturday night ramblings from a small town country girl.

Take out of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walkin like a one man army
Fightin with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end its better to say too much
Than to never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Why?
Say what you need to say..

Time Warp

Isn't it funny how sometimes music holds such a powerful hold over us?

I have memories from years past tucked away into random places of my head..and I can forget about them completely..and then an old song will come on the radio and I will immediately be transported to a time and place much different than the present.

Instead of sitting in my old broken red computer chair I'm standing at that middle school dance, or sitting in the backseat of my best friends car the summer she got her lisence, or even just sitting in my best friends room when we lived in residence. It's amazing how music is such an integral part of our lives that we associate certain bits and pieces of it with memories, with bits of time.

Current songs that are playing time warp with my head: Semi-Charmed Kinda Life & Ironic

Blog-a-ricious

I've been in a blogging slump for the past few days..just generally feeling a little blah. I'll use a scapegoat and blame it on the winter blues and being overworked.

Anyways. A fellow blogging friend posted this..and I thought that I'd play along. Feel free to leave a comment anonymously if anyone out there stumbles across this :)

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on slash, favorite type of underwear, writing techniques etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

Friends?

If anyone wants me to read their blog and I'm unaware of it currently..let me know because I'm always interested in reading about peoples lives and like to randomly leave long rambly comments :)

A Generation In Crisis...Too Little Too Late?

Disclaimer - This is not intended to attack people of my generation..but seriously..look around you and open your eyes..make sure you're a part of the solution..instead of the problem.


Do you ever have days where you just don't GET people? Or weeks where you're just like..I think that people have taken every single one of my pet peeves and are slowly checking off their list to ensure that they do them all just to tick me off as fully as humanly possible! It just seems as though every time I turn around this week I'm irritated by someone doing something that I just don't understand. I hate not understanding peoples logic for doing something or for behaving a certain way. It's beyond frustrating to watch over and over again.

I think that a lot of my frustration stems from my generation. There is a severe crisis in my generation and no one can fix it. Not that anyone is even brave enough to try. I doubt at this point that it could be fixed even if someone dared to try. There are a lot of things about my generation that I like...it's obviously not all bad! There are definitely things that I couldn't imagine living without but, I'm convinced most of the time that I was born in a completely wrong era. I just cannot handle the way that people insist on behaving..I just don't GET it. The vast majority of the time I see people my own age and I sit there and cringe and look away in embarrassment for belonging to the same 'group' as them.

I just really don't get this work ethic that my generation has. You know the one I'm talking about..the one where people think that they can do as little work possible and reap the most reward possible. We're obsessed with the quick fixes where everything comes easy and if it doesn't it can be bought for a cheaper price somewhere else anyways. My generation doesn't actually want to DO anything..they just want everything handed to them. Plain and simple..we're spoiled. At least the vast majority of us are..and even if we were not spoiled in the typical sense by our parents growing up...most people still have such a horrible work ethic ingrained in them that is the spoiled I'm talking about. People don't want to do anything that actually requires effort or any form of work...or any responsibility! That would just be asking far too much!

Basically what it comes down to is that people are lazy. Why do something when you don't have to? Why put effort into anything? Why bother doing anything that doesn't HAVE to be done and goes above and beyond what is expected? That would just be absurd!

And to go even further..why would anyone ever bother to have consideration for the people around them?! That's just crazy talk..I can hear you thinking that as you read this! Why would you ever think about the ripple effects your actions have on someone else?! As long as #1 is taken care of..that's all that matters..right?

It just blows my mind that (basically, with a few exceptions..and even then..) an entire generation of people have this self serving attitude that they're so much better than anyone else and deserve special treatment and shouldn't have to actually do anything to get the things they want out of life. I'm not even talking about people who are typically wealthy or come from a background of having a lot of things..I'm talking about 99% of my generation. Let's call in sick because I want to dick off and do nothing..I'll show up 2 seconds before my shift starts at work...Instead of growing balls and calling to say I've quit I'll just screen my calls and not show up until they clue in...(I've seen it happen so many times..so you can't even pretend that it doesn't happen!) There is just so much shit that goes on that I cannot believe that people pull...and it's become socially acceptable! How has that even happened!? How is our society ever going to function with a generation that's so incredibly lazy and irresponsible?!

I'm rather afraid for the future..I can see it now..an entire generation lying on the couch calling in to work sick and then wondering why suddenly the entire economy and all of their money has disappeared.

I need to go back to a time where people actually cared and were invested in their work and their lives...I feel like that's missing from my life..and as much as I try to personally put this into my work/school/LIFE..it's rather draining when you're one of the few who is actually attempting to do this. I just feel like people have learned all of these horrendous habits and don't have an actual work ethic behind them anymore..they just want that quick fix that our society is so focused upon so that they can do what makes them happy. Newsflash..life isn't always happiness, sunshine and rainbows! I know it comes as a surprise..but things don't always go the way you want them to just because you want them to. Just because you want to be a certain way and be rolling in the big bucks without ever leaving the comfort of your own bed doesn't mean that that's the way it will be..or even the way life SHOULD be. Life is hardwork and it takes a lot to be a contributing meaningful member of society...and to be quite honest..I don't think that most youth actually give a damn about even trying to do anything but making money. It's a really pathetic a total and complete reflection of the way that these generations are being taught how to behave. The morals and values that I feel like I have in regards to work and doing things just don't seem to be as present as they were in previous generations..and it's really disheartening to think about.

But really, why would they bother? As long as they can go on nice warm vacations, buy their fancy new electronics and STILL manage to bitch about how their minimum wage job doesn't pay nearly enough for them to sit on their asses and complain about how they're not being paid enough (probably while they're at work..not doing what they SHOULD be doing.) Then really why does it matter? Why bother? Why put in any sort of effort!?

Now I understand that SOME people DO all of their work and then are waiting around for more work and HAVE free time at work..but in all likelihood..that probably exists for such a small portion of people that it's relatively irrelevant. I'm not trying to pinpoint anyone in particular or say that you're bad if you do any of these things...I'm guilty of a few of them as well..I'm definitely no saint! But just think about it..how frustrating would it be if YOU were paying someone to do a job for YOU..and instead of doing the job they decided to play online games or chat on the phone 24/7 to their friends or just NOT show up for work because they were too hungover or just plum didn't feel like it..ugh!

Sorry for the bitterness..it's just been one of those days where I resent being associated with people my own age because of peoples inability to think, pure laziness and general stupidity.

Growing Up..

I love thinking..I really do..but sometimes I just really would like if my mind came with an 'off' switch. Sometimes I just want to turn off my mind without feeling guilty and just be able to not worry and think about what is to come..

It's hard because I love the fact that I have so many options and ideas in regards to my life right now...it's nice that I'm not restricted or tied down or whatever..

But at the same time..I hate thinking about the future and what it will hold. I hate the fact that things could go in so many different directions because I have no idea what to expect. It's as if I'm going to the airport without a destination in mind..do I pack beach clothes or skis? My entire life awaits me..yet I have no idea where to go or what to do.

It's frustrating to be sitting here wanting to many things..and having no idea what path to take or how to get there..

I think that we all feel like this at one point or another..I think that everyone goes through this eventually..it's a part of growing up..but it doesn't make it suck any less.

Snow & Sightings

It seems that the last few days have been far too busy for my liking..I would have prefered to stay indoors during the outrageous joke mother nature has decided to call weather and dump upon us, but alas..I always seemed to be braving the elements for one thing or another.

The last few days have been filled with interesting souls coming here and coming there..and since I'm typically a people watcher by nature, I (as I always do when there are people to watch around) enjoyed myself.

Let's recap with a couple of my favourite recent people sightings:

(Please note that recent people sightings may but most likely do not include your favourite celebrities as I live in the middle of nowhere..despite this though..they still made me smile!)


1) The first takes us to the joys of public transit. People on regular public transit (not student public transit like I'm use to) are typically not very exciting...at least I don't find them to be. Most are sitting by themselves keeping quiet and thinking, reflecting or sleeping. Their thoughts are filled with the days behind them and the days to come...nothing rather enjoyable..just boring old life. There is little excitement in getting from one place to another by most adults..but that's when I look around for the child nearby..because they will always be the most amusing for me to watch. Yesterday it was a mother with her daughter who were traveling to see a show/production/etc. of sorts..what I'm not exactly sure..but that is beyond the point. The little girl was cute..probably around 6 or 7. And she was so excited that she could not keep still. It was as if she ACTUALLY had ants in her pants. Every two seconds she would jump up and ask if they were there yet, or ask where we were now or she would just generally bounce around making up words of her own smiling and giggling the entire time we were moving. It was a rather cute display of excitment and it reminded me of being excited and happy and just generally content with life..instead of feeling as though I had to rush from one place to another and not stop to enjoy the little things or just be excited about the destination. I think that we as adults forget that as we get older..we forget how to really have fun and enjoy ourselves and how to let go of all of our problems and all of our daily stress and just be excited about the little things and think about the destination in mind.

2) My second people watching incident took place outside this time. It was on a quiet sidestreet where there are few people and fewer cars. The houses are modest and the neighbourhood is typically elderly or students..as seems to be the case for the vast majority of this little town. As I was standing there, I saw a young man with a young little girl walking down the street. The little girl was quite little (probably around two at the most) and was wearing the most adoreable brown and pink snowsuit. Because she was so bundled up she actually looked like a starfish. I stiffled a chuckle as I watched her wobble down the street, the layers of her clothing so packed on that she could hardle manage to move. As she continued to walk along side what I will presume is her Dad..I watched her look up at him and say something..and then in a matter of seconds she flopped down from her standing position on the sidewalk to sitting in the snowbank beside her. I chuckled to myself and thought that she must have been tired from walking..and was sort of half watching to see if her father would pick her up and start to carry her. But before I could even finish thinking this thought, she had flopped again onto her back, with her legs straight out. She slowly started to move her arms and then abruptly stopped and stuck out her arms asking to be pulled out of the snowbank. She turned around and looked at her impromtu snow angel, giggled and clapped her mitten covered hands in joy and stared up at her Dad with this 'Daddy's little girl' smile on her face.

So I expected them to move on and continue to walk..but the little girl was so enthralled that she had been able to make a snow angel that she walked two steps, stopped and repeated the process...but this time was the kicker..instead of just watching..the Dad also dropped into the snowbank (someone elses front lawn!) and started to make his OWN snow angel. The little girl giggled with excitement and together they made snowangels randomly as they continued to walk down the street.

It was an absolutely adoreable little exchange to watch..and was completely refreshing to think that maybe, just maybe, our generation still has some precious gems in it. People that aren't afraid to giggle with their children and get snowy and wet to connect with and play with the kids around them. I will always remember that look on the little girls face having her Daddy wrapped around her little finger..the love and the joy from being able to spend those few precious moments with just the two of them..being free and happy..I'm sure that she won't remember that exact moment when she grows up..she was so young that I would really doubt that she would..but I have no doubt that she'll have years of happy memories similar to this one made because someone took the time out to just love her for no other reason then the fact that she is who she is..

In general guys with children make my heart melt. Actually. I see them..and then suddenly it's as though nothing else in the entire world matters and all I can hear is the 'tha thump, tha thump' of my maternal clock beating a million miles a minute and I'm like 'Must. Resist. Urge. To. Have. Children. Right. Now.' It was just too cute for words..and made my heart into an actual puddle..just lying there in the middle of the street. Now if only said cuteness could melt all of this ridiculous snow away..then I would REALLY be a happy girl.

Bring On The Anonymity!

I just realized that I had my comment settings set to not allow anonymous comments.

The irony of having an anonymous journal without allowing people for themselves to be anonymous if they so chose to be was quite ridiculous to my little mind and I found myself chuckling in my sleep deprived state and then quickly changing it.

So if for some bizarre reason there are people who are reading this (and I very highly doubt that there are..but stranger things have happened..) then you now have the freedom to post anonymously and hide behind the internet as I have so far chosen to do!

I actually highly suggest that route! It's a rather ridiculous bout of fun :)

I'm A Young Soul In This Very Strange World..

Do you ever get really fixated on a song? Like, REALLY fixated? And not even on like, necessarily really great, amazing music..but just some random song?

Because I do. ALL OF THE FREAKIN' TIME.

I try not to because I know that it has a tendency to drive everyone in this house insane, but I really can't help it. It's like this bizarre compulsion to listen to a song over and over and OVER again until I feel guilty about making everyone else hear it so often that I put on my headphones and pretend to be listening to something else..

I don't know what it is..but I just get STUCK on songs sometimes and I really just want to listen to certain songs over and over again.

I know that people have a tendency to do this, but I feel like I'm a pretty severe case. It's not like I'll just put it in a playlist or listen to it three or four times..but I'm talking about listening to it over and over again for hours. For days upon days and hours upon hours. It's weird, I know.

It's like my brain just gets to the point where it just wants to listen to a song over and over again and doesn't want to hear anything else. Nothing about work, nothing about school, just a song..over and over again. And it's not that I don't listen to lots of different songs..but usually I'll just put the particular song that I'm currently obsessed with (for no apparant reason, mind you) on repeat and listen to it the entire time I'm on the computer..

Anyway, I'm going to continue to just sit here listening to the song that I've been listening to for the last little while..I'm about to make a switch I feel..I've been sneaking in little listens of another song for the last day or two..

I'm quite exhausted as I've gotten very little sleep this week. And I have a busy weekend ahead of me! So I guess I should head to the comfort that is my bed..if only to cuddle up with my book..mmmm..reading for pleasure..how I love thee!

I promise more interesting and exciting and witty posts at a later date. Maybe.

Remember The Days..

Remember the days when snowdays were so infrequent that they were truly something that were cherished and anticipated? As the radio stations announce the fact that virtually all buses are cancelled I look outside and wonder why. Yes, there is snow on the ground. But yes, I also live in Canada! We're the typical stereotype for snow and cancelling the buses every other day is like admiting that we can't even handle a little bit of the wet fluffy stuff! Granted, there are days when buses should be cancelled, but other days it seems to be a lot of hype and a lot of undue paranoia.

I can remember sitting at the window as a child, watching those perfect little snowflakes drift to the ground with wonder in my eyes. Not wonder at their magical beauty, but wonder that they could give me an unscheduled day of freedom in the morning if enough of them collected unexpectedly.

In my younger days I woke up more often than not to my parents saying "It's time to get out of bed for school.." when there was a heavy snowfall the night before..Very rarely did I wake up and look at my alarm clock and jump out of bed to put my feet on the cold floor only to discover that there was TOO much snow to go to school that day and it was perfectly okay that I had slept in!

But let me tell you, when that DID happen, it wasn't taken lightly. Over breakfast we'd discuss our plans for the day. Snowforts, snowmen, snowball fights, skiing, tobagganing and other general snow activities were our always our top choices and it was not uncommon for us (sometimes along with nearby kids) to spend the entire day out in the wet snow until we were completely exhausted with rosy pink cheeks and that sparkle in your eye that only fresh air can give you. We'd spend hours perfecting snowforts and dragging out all sorts of 'tools' from the garage and house to aid us with our building techniques. We could spend even more of these wonderful hours making up our own little worlds in these places, school being the farthest thing from our minds. After a long day in the fresh air we'd come inside to hot chocolate and other random snowday activites. In our younger days I can remember finding an empty box that transported into a spaceship, a canoe and houseboat. All to provide us grand adventures in the span of mere minutes. The imaginations we had ran wild and we were completely satisfied to let them take over our minds and fully enjoy our newfound freedom. There was just something so exciting about having an entire day where you couldn't go anywhere and nothing needed to be done..you were simply allowed to BE..with no restrictions or obligations looming over your head.

For certain members of my family, the best part of a snowday was if they power went out. Especially if they power went out at night before the dreaded bedtime. When this happened we always dragged candles out and lit them until the house basked in the glowing light that only candles can give off. It was then that we'd pull out boardgames and over the dining room table would play games for hours together as a family. No distractions, no electronics, nothing that could hinder the fun and adventures. There was something magical about knowing that you couldn't just go and do something else, there was nothing else to do. You were granted the time to spend with your family without feeling like there was something else that you wanted to do or had to do and you could just truly enjoy each others company. That feeling is one of the nicest memories of my childhood that I have. That pure and utter love and contentment of knowing that when it came down to it, even if you were trapped in the same house and no electricity, you still had each other.

But now, I must run, because even on the days when children are still being given that little bit of paradise called a 'snowday'..adulthood is calling my name and I must go and be a productive member of society. But don't feel sorry for me as this lovely snowday continues without my participation because every now and then during my busy day I'll sneak a memory of past snowdays into my thoughts if for nothing else but to warm my soul.

Another Blog, Another Day

The internet is a rather funny place.

It can be a terrifying place full of people pretending to be people they're not. There are people who just generally aren't nice people who exist in the wide realm of the cyber world. It is these people who ruin it for those of us who try to be generally nice people who are also floating around out there in the lovely place that is the world wide web.

At the same time though, the internet can be a place where people can really be themselves. They don't need to hide behind insecurities and fears and those pesky little (wonderful) flaws that we all have. It's almost easier to be yourself online under the premise of anonymity (or even partial anonymity) beacuse at the click of a button anyone who you no longer fancy can be rid from your life with little or no consequence.

Now, this isn't to say that you can't be yourself in the 'real world'. Because clearly our society has existed for thousands of years being able to exist without the help of the internet and it's only within the past decade or so that we've had this crazy new source of technology. For some people though.. (myself included) it's a lot easier to be yourself when you don't feel the pressure from outside sources to fit in and 'be cool'. The internet has always been a place where I can just simply be me..and I like that. I can sit in my pj's on a Saturday morning and update about how I don't know what I'm going to do with my life or where I'm going to be in 20 years. I can write about walks in the park or lollipops or whatever else happens to pop into my head. And from there, people have the option to respond or not respond..and it really doesn't matter either way. It's not like having a conversation with people where you're required to follow proper conversation techniques. People are allowed to read at their own pace, re-read, think before they speak and ignore the topic completely if they so desire when participating in blogging, they're not forced to respond immeadiately, or even at all if they so desire. Granted, I do have a lovely group of friends who I couldn't live without and depend on in the real world to listen to me at those times when I do need someone to participate in a real conversation. I have to admit though, there is just something about always having my own seperate online world to run to when the real world becomes too much to handle that is rather comforting and nice.

Now what happens when those two worlds meet though?

Where do we go from there?

It's an interesting thought that has been plaguing my thoughts for the last few hours when I really should have been more productive than I was.

Oh thinking! Always getting in the way when you least expect it to!