Secret Love Affair..

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on slash, favorite type of underwear, writing techniques etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

Shop Girl* Said: I challenge you to write about something that you secretly love but don't normally admit to other people.

This one is hard for me..harder than most people would ever think..because most things that I secretly love..I secretly love them for a reason! At first I thought about sharing my random love for certain objects..or this or that or the other thing..but then today, it came to me what I secretly love, probably the most out of anything.

I think that my secret love affair is something that most people love as well..but at times, I've found myself rather obsessed with this...it's rather simplistic when it comes down to it...

Ever since I was a small child I've always found myself wanting to please people. It's what I do. I go out of my way to try and accomplish this..I compromise many things to do this..I spend hours of my own time doing things for other people..I do things when I don't have the time, money or resources to do those things..and I do it all because I love the praise and any sort of positive reinforcement I get. That's my secret...Basically is what it comes down to is that I don't really care about any emotional/physical/monetary pain..as long as I have that little reward of someone telling me that I've done a good job or that they're proud of me or can give me some sort of encouragement. In fact, I thrive upon this.

It's odd to be sitting here trying to write this..because I like to pretend that I don't need this..and even reading this..you may not think that it's that big of a deal..everyone LIKES positive feedback..who wouldn't?! But really, to me, it's rather like an addiction. I don't just like positive feedback..it doesn't just make me feel good about things..I love positive feedback...I NEED it. It's not just that I want it..I actually get quite out of sorts without it..which again, I know, sounds ridiculous..but hey, it's me we're talking about here.

It's frustrating as well..because I know a lot of people who are able to give themselves their own little version of positive feedback..people who can tell themselves that they're doing a good job..and don't rely on other people to feed their ego. Unfortunately though, I'm not one of those people. I find it difficult to find things that I like about my own performance and my actually rate my own ability to do things, so instead I rely on others to rate my abilities...and rely almost entirely on those. If someone asks me to list the positives and negatives about something I've done or about myself..I can give you entire books about the negatives. I could go on forever..but ask me to think of just one positive..and I'm speechless. My mind is literally blank. It's taken me years to be able to accept any form of a compliment, and even then..they still make me anxious and uneasy...I don't know how to react or behave because I never feel as though I live up to what anyone else is saying about me..but still..I need it..and will replay it over and over and over again in my head..gaining some sort of internal satisfaction from a simple little phrase, note or comment.

If I get a really good paper back, or a good review from a supervisor..that paper can keep me going for days, weeks and months. I still have reviews from advisers just pointing out my abilities in my field and my strengths and those things stashed away..and whenever I'm feeling down and low, I pull out those things and read the comments in hopes that there is some truth in them. I will read the over and over and over again..analyzing every line and ever word..looking for everything that helps me to feel as though I can actually be successful and accomplish something.

But then, if there is anything negative (even just slightly) combined within this, the scale slides entirely to the negative spectrum. Virtually anything that is said that is negative when mixed in with the positive, has the ability to change everything that has been said into a negative attribute (at least in my own mind...). If you were to write three pages of good things about me, and one thing that was negative, I would focus entirely on the negative and any positive would be dismissed and considered effectively null and void. I don't know why exactly I do this..or when exactly it started..but I know it has gone on for years. I pick up on the negative things much more quickly, and will exaggerate and extrapolate them to the extreme at times.

I know that I do this, and yet, I cannot manage to find a way to stop myself. I wish I knew how to be able to believe in myself and what I do..I wish that I could rely simply on knowing and feeling as though I've done something good and meaningful instead of having to have someone else tell me so..

The only thing that keeps me from loosing at times is that ever constant reward and desire for praise to boost my feelings of confidence and self worth.

It really can (and does) make all of the difference if someone says to me 'good job, I like the way you ____' compared to if they just nod and say 'it's fine' or worse yet, say nothing at all.

So that's my little secret of something that I love but haven't admitted. It's probably unlike what was expected when this question was asked..but it was the thing that I felt would probably give any or all readers of this little bit of cyberspace a glimpse into the depth of this anonymous girl.

So there you have it, I love praise and encouragement..a lot. Probably more than most people would have ever guessed, even more than my closest friends would guess...I doubt even anyone who is reading this understands the depth to which I rely upon something so difficult to pinpoint. I like to pretend that it doesn't bother me when things are overlooked and I often pretend that it doesn't matter if someone just brushes of something that I've done....But the truth is..meltdowns over feelings of self worth, self doubt and other general inadequacies happen far too often behind closed doors...but I'm working on it.