Take all of your so called problems...

I've always been an emotional person...that's just the way that I am. I cry at happy things..I cry at sad things..I cry at funny things..I'm a crier. That's just the way that I am. I get upset over things that are happening around me personally and I can get just as upset over things that I read about in the news or things that I see on TV. If something is really happy and exciting I can cry because it's so amazing and wonderful for someone. If something is sad and awful..I'll cry as though their pain is my own. I've always been like this..and always get emotional whenever someone else around me is going through something rough..because I hate to see anyone in any sort of pain.

Then take the issue of death. It's a scary thing. It's a sad thing. The unknown..the unfamiliar..the uncertainty.

It's one of those things that I hate it, a lot. But then, who actually likes it?

Throughout my years growing up I've seen more people's lives than I would ever like to imagine been cut far too short. (In my own humble opinion..) And it breaks my heart to think about people who are so young dying..it just seems so unfair that someones life can end so quickly and so early..and I just don't understand why.

The worst part for me is funerals..I prefer to live in my own little world where bad things don't happen and I don't have to deal with the fact that people I know and love die. I repress all of those emotions until I don't feel them anymore..and then I push the fact that they're gone out of my mind until it's as if they've just moved away and I've lost their phone number. A lost contact instead of a lost soul I guess you could say. Instead of dealing with the heart wrenching pain and turning into the emotional girl who can't handle life, I just push down deeper and deeper..constantly repressing and constantly attempting to forget. I don't like dealing with death because then I have to face the fact that these people will never be a part of my life anymore..and that's just not the way I want things to do..so I avoid it. I hate going to funerals..they always just seem to be so depressing that I end up loosing it...and this is when I'm not very close with the departed soul. At funerals of people that I am close with..it's beyond awful. It's as if I'm in a trance and just going through the emotions..barely surviving..somehow managing to go through the motions. I'm really awful for forgetting people have died..I will see someone who looks like a person..or be listening to a song or read something that I know they would have loved..and pick up the phone or go to write them an email..and then suddenly realize that they really are gone..and it's back to the repression where I suddenly have realized that my emotions have managed to escape and I need to push them away again..but these realizations always hit me hard..and it seems as though my grieving process is very long and drawn out..but I guess it works for me...or even if it doesn't work for me..that's just how I am.

I went to a small town high school..everyone knew everyone. Even if you weren't 'close' friends with someone..you usually ended up at the same parties or at the same events or knew people who knew people or had classes together. Everyone ALWAYS knew everyone elses business..It's kind of nice some times with small towns because you do have that sense of community. But is common in these small towns..when something bad happens..you always know within mere hours...When a good friends brother died a few summers ago..we heard only hours after..before they had even found his body...news travels fast in small towns. And I can remember sitting there with my friends..crying on the kitchen floor as the news of yet another friend gone, another child without his father, lost. Throughout my years spending time at this school, there were always more deaths than teenagers should ever have to deal with. Car accidents after a weekend where there was a big party were (unfortunately..) not uncommon. Teenagers have this surreal view that they are infallible and that they can somehow beat the odds..even after years and years of proof that they can't beat those odds.. and too many are still under the belief that they will.

Each year that I was in high school there were at least a few car accidents a year. either from teenagers making foolish mistakes or from driving when they shouldn't have been. Driving too fast or making turns when they weren't really safe to do so..those sorts of things seem to be all too common. And then there are the completely different realm of accidents..the accidents after the big 'field party' that would always leave a car full of teenagers with various injuries lying in hospital beds..and 99% of the time would leave one unlucky teen in the hospital morgue. Far too many people from that high school died because of drinking and driving..so many that it almost became normalized. It makes me cringe to even write that..but unfortunately, it's true. Whenever I hear of another death, my first thought is always that they or the person they were driving with had been drinking..and this was the cause of yet another death. Hearing that someone else had been in a drinking and driving accident always has left a sour taste in my mouth..and I've always been adamant that I would never drink and drive..too many lives cut short to take that gamble. I will sometimes drive after having one drink or a glass or wine with dinner...but I've only done this a couple times in the years since I've had my licence and been old enough to legally drink..and this usually fell where there were hours in between the drink and the drive or with a full meal or when I knew that my driving abilities could never be called into question. As much as I will go out and drink and 'have a good time'..I know my limits and if there is the slightest doubt in my mind that my abilities would even be slightly altered or impaired, I refuse to drive. I call a cab, I call a friend, my parents, I stay over night, I do WHATEVER. I've lost too many friends and acquaintances over the years from their own stupidity or the stupidity of others on the road to ever take that chance.

The memory of the first friend I lost from a drunk driver is ingrained still in my memory. It's been almost 20 years and I still can remember her as clearly as ever. She was killed when we were only just three, and I still remember her laugh, her smile and I still remember the day my parents told me that she had died. I didn't understand death then, and I didn't realize until years later that it was a drunk driver who was responsible for her death, but the memory of the pain and the taste of the tears falling down my face as I came to the realization that she would never be able to play with me again have never left me. The feeling of the warm sunshine rays beating down on my back as I lay on the couch sobbing at the loss of my best friend at such a young age will stay with me forever.

Anyways though, it is sad that it has become so normalized that, yes, even though it shocks and saddens me greatly, I come to accept this form of death a lot easier than I would ever think should be acceptable. Friends, friends of, siblings of, and a multitude of other acquaintances have been lost over the years. It makes my heart hurt just thinking about all of the wonderful people, the lost lives, the lives of parents, siblings and children that are changed forever because of someones decision to drink and drive..

And then word comes. Another high school alum has also passed away.

This time though, it was expected. It had been coming for years and despite his best intentions, everyone knew.

I had heard word through the small town grapevine and other 'gossip' sources that he wasn't doing well and that his battle was harder than ever...but I still didn't expect that it would come to a close so quickly.

I wasn't close to him by any means. We went to elementary school together and since we were in a small town where there was only one grade of each class, we were always in the same class. In middle school we had some classes together, and others not. At this age, we knew who the other was, but were never by any means close. High school was the same as middle school, he had his group of friends and I had mine..we never really interacted because we just ran in different circles.

He was the ultimate jock. On every sports team known to man.

I was the shy yearbook editor, the VP of our Amnesty Int. chapter and the school council gopher.

By all means, complete opposites.

We had no real reason to interact and besides brief mentionings between friends in the past years, I knew little of his current life. But still..I couldn't help but weep when I heard of his death. Just the fact that someones life is cut so short, and by something completely out of his control, was something that struck me harder than I thought it would. Even though I knew it was coming...the fact that his mother, his brother, his friends and other family are left behind with only memories of the man he was..tugs at my heart.

Perhaps it's a sign that times are changing when such young peoples lives are cut so short by the power of something which really, is out of the control of most, if not all. I feel old as people I know, who are my own age, are dying from diseases instead of accidents. It just seems even ore unsettling that people my age are dying by no fault of their own than the lives are cut short by their own drunk driving. I don't like to think that people are so powerless, that we have so little control. It's terrifying to think that life can end so quickly without a second thought. It's also terrifying to realize that I can have days where I walk around in a daze and just..waste that entire day. I'll never get that day back..and there are so many people who never get the chance for that day. I waste so much time and energy being miserable and upset and it just isn't worth it. Even if life sucks, even if I'm stressed, even if I feel as though I hate the cards I was dealt..I need to remember that I have had better card than others. I have parents who are still married and in love after what is closing in on 40 years. I have a good education. I live in a country that allows me the freedom of speech and the ability to make my own decisions. I'm healthy...I've never been REALLY sick, nor have I had to suffer. I have friends who I love and who love me. I've had the opportunity to travel, and will have many more opportunities to travel more. I have money in the bank. I have a job..and I don't ever foresee a time when I wouldn't. I have a nice house to live in..and will always have somewhere to go when I don't know where to go next. I have access to all of the things that I've ever needed..and have never gone without. Whenever there was something that I needed, it was there. If there was something that I wanted..it was likely there as well. I'd be willing to guess that I'm luckier than at least 98% of the population.

..And yet at times I still get discouraged and upset and miserable. And really, what right do I have to be? It's like I'm playing poker..and I've been dealt a full house..yet I'm greedy and really just wanted four of a kind with an ace high, instead of just being content to accept my already wonderful hand.

I guess the point I'm trying to make with this long rambling non-sensical post is that life really is short. That you really do need to take advantage of every single moment because you never know when the game will be over. You need to take each day, each hour, each minute, each second..and appreciate it..whatever it is. Find the best in it..and take it for all that it's worth.


And suddenly..the song that plays randomly as I sit here hits close to home. And as I sit here smiling at the irony of it all...as the tears drop onto my keyboard on this dark Saturday evening...I realize that this is what I'll leave this post with.

So there you have it folks. Saturday night ramblings from a small town country girl.

Take out of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walkin like a one man army
Fightin with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end its better to say too much
Than to never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Why?
Say what you need to say..